Chapter 30 Jealousy in the Dark
Calix Pov
I heard it from Rowan when he was talking to someone in the locker room after practice about winter break plans. He said Maddie was leaving campus to go to Elara's family home for Christmas. The words hit me like someone punched me in the chest. She was leaving and going somewhere I couldn't follow her. She was going somewhere I couldn't watch over her or make sure she stayed safe.
She would be with someone else's family and in someone else's home with someone else's warmth around her. The jealousy stabbed through me deep and sharp and violent. I knew it was stupid to feel this way because I had no right to be jealous when I was the one staying away from her. I was the one refusing to claim her and the one choosing distance over everything else.
But knowing that didn't make it hurt any less. The pain still burned inside my chest and made me want to punch something or break something or destroy anything I could get my hands on.
My wolf whined in my head and the sound was pathetic and sad and lost. "She's leaving us," he said quietly. "She's going to be with other people and other wolves and we won't be able to see her or know if she's safe."
"I know," I said out loud even though I was alone in my dorm room. My voice echoed off the walls and sounded hollow and empty. I had been alone since I confronted Simone in her room. I had been alone since my father lectured me about duty and responsibility. Everything had gone to hell and I was still here alone.
"We should go with her," my wolf suggested and there was hope in his voice. "We should follow her and make sure she's okay."
"That's stalking," I said back to him. "That's completely insane."
"We're already insane," my wolf pointed out and he wasn't wrong. "We watch her every single night from the shadows. We hide behind trees and follow her around campus like a creep. How is this any different from what we already do?"
He had a valid point but I ignored it anyway. I just sat on my bed and stared at the blank wall in front of me. The jealousy kept eating away at my insides like acid burning through metal.
She would probably be happy there with Elara's family. She would be with people who actually wanted her around them. She would be with people who showed up for her and gave her what I couldn't give her myself.
They would give her a real Silverfallwith real family and real warmth and real love. They would give her everything I wanted to give her but couldn't. They would give her everything she deserved but wouldn't get from me.
I stood up from the bed and walked over to my desk. I opened the bottom drawer and pulled out the bottle I kept hidden underneath some old notebooks. It was whiskey and it was cheap and it burned going down but it was exactly what I needed right now.
I unscrewed the cap and didn't bother getting a glass from the kitchen. I just lifted the bottle straight to my lips and took a long drink. The liquid burned down my throat and made my eyes water. It made my chest feel warm for just a second before the cold came back.
I took another drink and then another one after that. I walked back to my bed and sat down heavily. I took another drink from the bottle.
The room started blurring around the edges like someone smeared vaseline on a camera lens. Everything went soft and fuzzy and out of focus. The sharp pain in my chest dulled just a little bit. It was just enough to make breathing feel possible again.
"This won't help anything," my wolf said and his voice was quieter now like he was fading into the background. "This won't change what's happening."
"I know it won't," I said and took another drink. "But it makes everything hurt less and that's something worth having right now."
I thought about her and about Maddie and about what she was probably doing at this exact moment. She was probably packing her clothes into a suitcase. She was probably getting ready to leave campus tomorrow morning. Maybe she was excited about it. Maybe she was happy to finally have somewhere to go for the holidays.
That was good for her. She should be happy and excited. She should have people who cared about her and wanted her around.
Even if those people weren't me and would never be me.
I took another drink from the bottle. It was much lighter now than when I started. The bottle was maybe half empty or half full depending on how you wanted to look at it. The room was spinning slowly like I was on a carousel that wouldn't stop turning.
My phone buzzed on the nightstand next to my bed. I picked it up and looked at the screen. There was a text message from my father.
"Silverfalldinner at pack house. You will attend. You will bring Simone as your date. No excuses accepted."
I stared at the words on the screen for a long time. I felt absolutely nothing when I read them. No anger or frustration or even annoyance. Just this hollow empty feeling that the whiskey had created inside me.
I didn't respond to the message. I just set the phone back down on the nightstand. I took another drink from the bottle.
Simone would be there at Silverfalldinner sitting next to me like we were actually together. She would smile that fake smile and touch my arm and pretend everything was perfect between us. My father would watch us and nod with approval because I was finally doing what he wanted.
But Maddie wouldn't be there. She would be somewhere else entirely. She would be at Elara's house eating dinner with Elara's family. She would be laughing and smiling with people who actually cared about her.
I took another drink. The bottle was almost empty now. Just a few more swallows left at the bottom.
My wolf had gone completely quiet in my head. He wasn't whining anymore or suggesting things we should do. He was just silent and sad and defeated.