Chapter 16 — Jack

Jack had gone over what he was going to say at least a million times since he’d gone home from Calvin’s house the night before.

Still, as much as he’d rehearsed and practiced every possible scenario he could think of, it was all forgotten the moment he was face to face with Calvin again.

Now, alone in the office with him, the space was too small and too quiet. It felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, but Calvin didn’t seem to notice. He was just standing there, too close and not close enough at the same time, waiting for Jack to say something.

“Thanks for letting me come in to talk,” Jack said, stalling for more time. How could it be that he had gone the entire night barely able to sleep for all the thoughts that were bouncing around, but now? Now it was like his head was completely empty, and he was trying hard not to panic.

“Anytime,” Calvin said. “I know that this is probably hard for you…”

Understatement of the century. It was excruciating. But only because Jack couldn’t find the right words for what he was feeling.

He was going to have to try, though. Quickly, before Calvin got tired of waiting.

“It is hard,” Jack admitted. “But I came here because I want to talk. I want to do better. I-I want our friendship back, Calvin.”

“I want that, too,” Calvin’s voice was soft, barely above a whisper, and his eyes were already bright with emotion. “I really do.”

“But I also want more than that.” Jack paused to take a breath. This was the moment he had played over and over in his head, and it turned out a different way each time. The part that he said would stay the same, but the thing he could never be sure about was how Calvin would react.

Which was what made it so difficult to get through when it wasn’t just a scenario that was playing out in his head.

This was real, and there were real-life consequences that would go along with whatever words he and Calvin were about to say.

How in the hell was he supposed to say those words, though?

Jack might not have known what he was doing, but he had to hope that Calvin would be able to tell his heart was in the right place.

“Remember when I first came here?” Jack asked. “When I first stopped in to see you here at this bookstore just last week?”

“Of course,” Calvin said, a smile spreading across his face as he leaned back against his desk. “I’ll never forget seeing you again after all those years.”

“And remember what I said?” Jack continued. “That I was here for you? Because you needed me?”

Calvin nodded.

“That was true, but…” Jack paused, then took a breath. “But it wasn’t the whole truth. The whole truth would have been me saying that I was here because I needed you, too. Because I needed clarity, and I needed answers. More than all of that, though, I was here because I needed forgiveness.”

“I forgave you years ago,” Calvin said, a stray tear finally spilling over. “I forgave you as soon as you took off that night after prom, because even though I didn’t like it, I understood why you would—or I thought I understood. But I’m the one who should be asking for forgiveness here, Jack.”

Just hearing that Calvin understood—even if he didn’t have all the details yet—took a weight off Jack’s shoulders that he’d been carrying around for too many years. Knowing that Calvin had been carrying that same weight, though?

It broke Jack’s heart.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Calvin.” Jack shook his head and smiled. “There’s nothing for me to forgive. We were so young, and you were just caught up in the moment. I get that now. I really do get it.”

Calvin swiped at his tears as Jack crossed the small space and pulled him close, enveloping him in those big, powerful arms and squeezing so tightly it would have been uncomfortable if Calvin hadn’t been so happy about it.

“I never wanted to put our friendship in jeopardy,” Calvin said into Jack’s shoulder, his voice shaky and muffled. “If I could go back and undo those last few minutes of that night, I would in a heartbeat, Jack. I promise I would.”

Jack winced as if he’d been hit across the face, then held Calvin even tighter for a moment before letting go just enough to step back and look into his eyes again. “No, please don’t say that. Please don’t feel that way. If there’s anything to change about that night, it’s the stupid way I reacted. But just know that I wasn’t running from you, Calvin. I was running from myself, from my own feelings and my own fears. Never from you, though.”

Once he had started talking, the words just kept spilling out of him. The denials that he’d meticulously crafted for himself over the years were quickly coming unraveled, replaced by the one simple truth he had never quite been fully able to deny.

“I want to kiss you again, Calvin,” Jack said, gently swiping a thumb across Calvin’s cheek as another tear rolled down. “But I want to do it right this time. May I?”

Calvin nodded, dashing at his cheeks again quickly as he smiled widely. “Oh my God, yes. Of course. The answer to that question will always be yes for you, Jack.”

Jack mirrored his smile, then tipped Calvin’s head up and captured those sweet lips again. Except this time really was different. This time, Jack wasn’t rushed. He wasn’t in a frenzy. This time, he could spend as long as he wanted savoring the taste and feel of Calvin.

He had permission, after all.

Jack let his hands roam up and down Calvin’s back as their tongues met, exploring his body just as he was exploring the man’s mouth. It was such a strange feeling to touch a man like that—to touch Calvin—but at the same time, it felt so good.

It felt right. It felt like he wanted more, like he might never be able to get enough now that he’d finally let himself go.

He kept kissing Calvin, that hunger and need inside of him not letting him stop for several minutes that could have probably stretched on forever if they both didn’t have other things that needed their attention that day.

When he finally stopped and pulled back, they were both still smiling.

“Thank you, Jack,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “Thank you for that, and for being so amazing.”

“I haven’t been amazing for a long time,” Jack said. “If I’m being honest, I don’t know if I ever was. But I do want to start. And part of being amazing, in my opinion, is keeping things open between us now that we both know the truth about that night—and about last night.”

Calvin feigned surprise for a moment. “You mean… you weren’t really stopping by my house last night to make a marketing plan? I never would have known…”

Jack laughed. “Hey, I needed something to fall back on, and that was… something.”

“It was something, all right,” Calvin agreed. “But whatever you needed to tell yourself in order to get there, I’m just grateful for what happened afterward. I’m grateful for that kiss and for the fact that you let yourself be open to those feelings—to these feelings—after all these years.”

“I’m definitely open to it,” Jack said, feeling good about finally being able to speak the truth to his best friend. “But I still don’t know what it means. Does it mean I’m gay? Bi? Did you ever struggle like this when you came out?”

Calvin laughed. “No, not like this. But my situation was completely different from yours, Jack. It’s not fair to compare them. Your coming out—if that’s something you’re comfortable doing—is going to be different from mine, just like mine was very different from Gage’s. It’s a personal journey, your journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it.”

Jack exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Of course everything Calvin was saying made perfect sense, but it was good to actually hear the words after years and years of self-doubt and self-loathing.

“I’m sorry I’m not very good at any of this,” Jack said, quietly. “It’s all so new to me, but I want to get better. I want a chance to do some of the things with you that we’ve missed out on over the years, if you’re up to it.”

He held his breath again while Calvin took a moment—or was it a minute? Five minutes? Ten?—to think.

“What kinds of things?” Calvin asked.

Jack was almost giddy with excitement, and it started to bubble over as he continued to speak. “I’d like to do a lot more of that—to kiss you and hold you and just be with you—but I’d also like to go on an actual date with you. A real date. And then…”

“Oh my God,” Calvin said, shaking his head in disbelief. “I want those things, too. I always have. This is like a dream come true for me, except better.” His eyes welled up again as he spoke, and Jack couldn’t help reaching out and pulling him close again. This time, Calvin was the one who pulled away, though. “What about Boston?” he asked, searching Jack’s eyes.

“I don’t know,” Jack said, truthfully. “I thought I had my whole life figured out up to this point, but… I just don’t know anything anymore. All I know for sure is that I want to try this. I want to experience this with you. Here. Now. And maybe Boston can wait another week.”

“Jack, I don’t even know what to say…”

Jack felt his cheeks ache a little from smiling so widely. This was the easy part. This was the part he had imagined and daydreamed about.

“Say you’ll go on a date with me, Calvin.” He kissed Calvin on the forehead and smiled again as his lips moved against Calvin’s skin. “Say you will, please.”

“I will,” Calvin said, laughing. “I can’t believe you’re even asking. I can’t believe any of this, really. But I will. I’d love to. A date with you would be… it would be perfect.”

Jack couldn’t have said those words any better, even though he was thinking the exact same thing. A date with Calvin would be perfect. It would be like a dream.

Except better than any dream.

Because this was real.

This was happening.

“Okay,” Calvin said. “Let’s go on a date. This weekend?”

Jack nodded. “Perfect.”

He didn’t have to wonder or worry or be afraid of what he felt anymore. Calvin understood him. Calvin got him.

And now, with Calvin in his arms and the truth shared between them, Jack felt like nothing else mattered, like nothing else could stop them.

For the rest of the week, at least, that would be true.