fucked up

“do you know…” i said, standing up from my chair to pull him to me. I needed him to be close so that he did not go away. “that you are selfish?” i completed my words when i had him in close contact.

He turned to look at me, but then that was the only was he could continue to stand, leaning on me so that he could get his balance.

“i am selfish?” he said, a little in disbelief. Just like the several times where we have had conversations and a little voice in my head would tell me to shut up, a voice whispered, pleading for me to shut the hell up so that i would not cause things to blow out of proportion but as usual, i did not listen.

“you heard me right Andrew, you are selfish. Have you thought of how i would feel in all of this? Leaving me out of this?”

He looked like he was ready to explode. “i am doing this for all of you!!!” he yelled, looking at me with a hint of annoyance.

“i fucking leave you out of things because every bloody time, i think if you can handle it, or how you are going to feel if you find out a certain way. The past fucking three to four months, every thing i have done, every decision i have done, i have done it for you!!! so you have no right to call me selfish for wanting to keep this little detail to myself!!!” he said, looking annoyed and tired, he was agitated, it was easy to see that.

“i did not ask for that” i said in alow quiet voice but he heard it, he heard it loud and clear.

“oh” he said, the shock on his face was one that could not be hidden. “ i see” he said, taking a step back and breaking out of my hold.

I should have shut the hell up, but i could not stop myself, not when i had the upper hand here.

“everything you have done, i did not ask for any of those, the only thing you owed to me was to not keep me on the side and you did that..” i could see the look of betrayal he had in his eyes, as though i had carried a knife to his throat, threatening to cut it off.

“ah… everything i have done…” he shook his head, a clear sign that he was done with the conversation. “it does not matter what your ungrateful self think Samantha” he said, grabbing a chair to sit down, everything i have done, i am glad i got to do it. Whether you see them as selfish acts or not” he said, resting his back on the chair before he closed his eyes.

“so you are not telling me? You really would not tell me? You don’t think it affects me too?” i said, looking at him. I hated the way he sat there, unbothered.

“yes Samantha, my point stilll stands in all of this”

“fine then” i said, looking at him for the last time, before matching back into my/our room.

For some reason, i needed to hurt him. I needed him to feel this sense of hurt i felt shutting me out of his life.

I looked to the closet, seeing my clothes laying around.

I need to leave.’ i thought, walking as fast as i could, as though i was being chased.

“fuck” i muttered. Shoving all the clothes into a box, not caring if the clothes were rumpled or not.

“what are you doing?” i heard the voice, his voice from behind me, shocking me for a bit.

I did not answer him for a moment, not caring for him, that was until i was spinned, causing some of the clothes to fly every where.

“Samantha” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose, showing a bit of iritation.

Good. He was not the only one that was irritated at the moment. “what in the goddess’ name are you doing?” he said, looking from me to the box that laid open beside me.

“what does it look like i am doing?” i said, looking at him in a defiant gaze. He looked at me, giving me this look that told me that he was running out of patience.

“don’t play with me, what is this box for?” his eyes darkened as i mentioned the box.

“well, i feel like i am not welcomed here, so maybe, just maybe, my mate would be more welcoming of me if i go back” i expected him to shout, to yell at me and maybe throw the box away to prove his point that i could not go to him and even maybe in a feat of anger tell me what his mother was talking about and even maybe tell me why he was talking about dying when he assured me that he was not.

All those were what i had evnisaged to happen when we had the arguement. What i did not plan for was the broken look he had in his eyes when i said that.

“you…” his hands fell from me, falling limbly at the two sides. “you really mean that?” he said, looking at me with something in his eyes.

‘no” i wanted to say, but then what if it works? What if i have to push a little further and i get the results? “yes” i said, after thinking it through. “i really mean it Andrew” i said, crossing my hands over my chest as i spoke.

He took on step away from me, then another and then another, making the gap between us bigger and bigger till he was no longer in the room and till i could no longer have his scent around me.

I said nothing, not really knowing what i could do. For some reason, it felt as though i had just fucked the whole thing up…