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"When did these feelings start?"

"About a month after Mila was brought to us." My voice is quiet, exhausted.

"Do you recall anything that could have potentially triggered these feelings?" The man asks me softly.

I didn't raise my eyes from my hands, crushing guilt, and shame consuming me. It's fresh in my mind, it feels like it only happened yesterday.

"No." I whisper.

Doctor Kaleb exhales quietly, calmly. "You have to be honest with me, Katalayha. This room is a safe space, just between me and you, without any judgement."

No judgment. I silently repeat, wanting to scoff. My whole life I have been judged.

"You can't tell me that you're not sat there judging what I am, what I've done." I say, meeting the doctors eyes for barely a second.

"I choose to help people, no matter who they are, or what they've done. You asked for help, and I'm going to...but you have to help me, so that I can do that." Dr. kaleb tells me, so calm, so assuring that I didn't feel uncomfortable.

Talking about my past? Yeah, that's a little more than uncomfortable but that's why I'm here. I have to go back, so that I can move forwards.

My leg begins to bounce slightly, a action of nerves as I nod my head, agreeing to tell him whatever he wants to know.

"Good, now...the potential triggers." He says, leaning back in his chair as he gets more comfortable.

"I had pups...two boys, and a girl." I finally admit the words out loud, and it hurt just as much as I'd imagined it would. Like a fresh wound carved into my chest.

"Can you tell me what happened to them?" He asks, resting his chin in his hand.

I nod my head slightly.

"I had a wolf birth, I thought it would be safer...I'd be able to protect them if anyone attacked the pack. They were healthy...thriving in their natural environment, and then I...I shifted back." My head falls as I shield my face, hating that all I do is cry.

"Take your time." Dr. Kaleb says softly, sliding me the box of tissues. Taking one, I nod my head and wipe my eyes.

"They started crying as they shifted, and I thought it was normal...I thought they were fine. I read the books, I did everything right but they just...they didn't make it the whole way...I listened to their heartbeats begin to speed up, so fast I thought they were going to explode...and then they began to slow down, and they stopped shifting...I just froze." I breathe shakily, gulping down the huge lump in my throat.

"I screamed, and begged, and I cried for the moon to show mercy, and when the third heartbeat went silent...I realised there's no such thing as gods." I wipe my nose with the tissue, brushing my hair behind my ear.

"Can you describe what you felt?"

"I don't think there are words that can possibly cover the extent of the agony, and soul crushing suffering that I felt...that I still feel." I gulp, turning my eyes away from the man.

"The entire pack watched as I carried them out, looking at me like I was a monster...all I wanted to do was lay my pups to rest. So I did, I walked a whole day to find them the most peaceful place I could find, and I buried them...and as I buried them, I cried, and the pain became anger...blinding rage." I admit quietly.

"Most often than not, we let the anger in because it's better than dealing with the pain. But with anger, comes an uncontrollable urge to lash out every time we become aware of the pain." Dr. Kaleb says to me.

I nod my head. From experience I know he's right, and him knowing and understanding what it's like, does relax me.

"I think it had been about three days, and the anger wasn't fading, and that infuriated me. I wasn't eating, or sleeping, I just sat staring out of the window...like the world around me didn't exist anymore. I couldn't feel anything...and I wanted to, even if it was the guild of taking someone's life."

"I went hunting, and I killed a wolf from Kade's pack. I tore this person apart, and my wolf...she was uncontrollable, and I didn't care. I went home, and I bathed in the stream like it never happened." I whisper.

"How long was it before you killed again?" He asks me, somehow knowing that I would've done it again.

"Two days, at first I did it because I thought I'd eventually feel something. After the second time, I just did it for revenge, because instead of being numb I started feeling this bloodlust, this need to hunt them all down and kill them. It consumed me." I admit to him.

"I lost all hope, every time I shut my eyes all I could see was my pups. Over and over, and over again I relived it all, and it broke me...when Lori tried to comfort me, I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell...I wanted to shout about it, but all I could do was whisper...I'm fine." My voice is quiet, but I know he hears every word.

"Katalayha...what was your childhood like?" Dr. Kaleb asks me curiously.

I raise my eyes to his, frowning. "Why?"

"I'd like to know more about your past, because I think this pain started long before your loss. We must go back to when it began, in order to gain anything out of our sessions." He tells me.

"Ok." I agree.

Talking about my childhood is nothing to me anymore, they abused me, and they were wrong for doing so. I don't blame myself for anything that happened whilst I was with them.

"Tell me about your family." Dr. Kaleb takes out his book and pen.

"My mother, Sasha, and my father, Kade. I have two brothers, Sebastian who's almost eighteen, and Kage...he was my twin." I tell the man, glancing between him and his notebook.

"Was?"

"Can I explain that later?" I ask, knowing it'll just get things jumbled if I mix up the timeline story.

"Of course." Dr. Kaleb smiles.

"My parents didn't want a girl, and when I came out first they naturally disliked me, even more so when they realised I had the Alpha gene. They would punish us if we did the slightest thing wrong, scream at us if they didn't want us in the same room." I explain without flinching.

"My mother became obsessed with this prophecy, that two children of the same blood would birth a child like no other. She would tell us these stories, about this child born of two siblings, and when I finally got old enough to understand...I helped Kage escape." I sigh.

"You didn't go with him?"

"No, Sebastian was just a baby, I knew that if I left they would take their anger out on him." I tell him.

"That's when the abuse really started, they made me clean the entire house, they made me cook without even teaching me. They would beat me until I couldn't walk, and lock me in the basement in a cage when I fought back. Eventually I stopped fighting physically, but mentally I was stronger than either of them, I didn't let their words or attacks make me question my self worth." I admit with a shrug.

"This went on for years, I was terrified of them. I was almost eighteen, and they took me out of school one day because they needed me home to start cooking for some meeting they were having. Everything had to be perfect, they picked which dishes they liked best, and the next day I made it all again for their guests."

"That was the night I met Hardin." I say quietly, my heart aching. I miss him so much.

"Our relationship was different back then...he didn't know how to be gentle, or love someone, and I was this terrified thing that could barely breath around him. My parents owed Hardin a lot of money, at the time I wasn't allowed to know anything so I had no idea what was happening. In exchange for more time to pay back their debt, they gave me to Hardin." I sigh.

"At first it was the end of world, I felt like I'd just had my entire future stolen from me by the people that took my childhood. Hardin wasn't soft, or gentle, or loving...but he saw me, he never hurt me, he never shouted at me...he was kind in his own way, loving me without being able to say he loved me." I smile.

"Did things get better after Alpha Hardin took you?"

"Not at first, he married me the day after we met so I wasn't exactly happy. But with time I realised that I wasn't a prisoner with him, he wanted me to be free, to have a voice, to stand my ground again the pack, against him. I think that when I started figuring out who I was, he started learning how to be gentle." I say.

"Were you open about your past with him?"

I nod my head. "He knew they abused me, yes. But the years of beatings had made me mentally tough, and when Hardin gave me his bite...he couldn't get into my head. I was one giant wall that he couldn't get through."

"Eventually Kage turned up in the pack, and Hardin was questioning him, I didn't realise it was Kage at first. When I did I tried to stop Hardin, and we ended up clashing for the first time, but having Kage back made me vulnerable, and the block vanished. Hardin saw and felt everything, and he finally understood why I was so...resilient to pain." I tell the man.

"I fell in love with Hardin, and it took me by surprise, I never expected to actually accept him. Everything was great, we were happy...Hardin wanted me to see the world, to enjoy life, and I did. We missed each other, and it was lonely, but I knew we'd be ok. I spent a month away, and when I got home I found out my parents had declared war against us. Hardin said he could handle it, and I trusted him...so I left within a week because I knew he wouldn't be able to be the person his pack needed, with me around making him vulnerable." I explain, exhaling heavily.

"You mentioned that Hardin almost died in the war, how has that affected your relationship?" Dr. Kaleb asks.

This is where the real questions are asked. I thought, trying to prepare myself to just tell him whatever he needs to know.

"At first it wasn't good, and then when we finally started talking I think we realised just how out of sync we were. I did my best to be open with him, and he did the same, and it takes time but I think that's the key to us moving forwards." I say, furrowing my eyebrows slightly as I nod my head a little.

"Yesterday you mentioned that Hardin doesn't want pups, is that why you kept the truth from him?" Dr. Kaleb wonders.

"No." I deny immediately.

"I was feeling the pain, and the grief, and the bloodlust was still there. I had all these feelings, and I hated it, I hated myself...and I kept him from the truth because I didn't want someone I love to have to feel that kind of suffering." I quietly admit.

"I'm responsible for enough already. I became a monster...and having Hardin back was a wake up call, I couldn't stand the thought of him finding out, and looking at me the way that everyone else did."

"Katalayha, have you ever heard of PTSD?" Dr. Kaleb asks me, shifting his position slightly.

I immediately feel like I need to defend myself. Because for wolves having such disorders is like carrying a disease that is passable. But this doctor acts like it's perfectly normal, like there's nothing wrong with me.

"I don't have that." I whisper, my heart racing slightly. What will everyone think of me?

"PTSD is a natural response to trauma, just as bleeding is a normal response to being stabbed." Dr. Kaleb offers me a comforting smile.

"Wolves are supposed to be strong, I'm a Alpha-"

"You are strong, Katalayha, more so for being able to come here, ask for help and actually be brave enough to open up to me about your trauma." Dr. Kalebs words make me want to cry.

How can he be so kind to me after everything I've done? Do I deserve it?

"So often we feel like we are going crazy and some people feel a sense of shame for developing PTSD. Would you feel that same sense of shame for bleeding, though? Or breaking a leg?" He asks me.

"No." I whisper.

"This is the result of your experiences, it says nothing about you other than that you are a survivor." Dr. Kaleb tells me.

I take in his words, saying nothing in return.

"How about we call it? We've made a lot of progress today, tomorrow we can discuss your wolf and how she is coping?" Dr. Kaleb offers kindly, always giving me the option.

"Yeah, sure. Same time right?" I ask.

"On the dot." He smiles.

"Thank you for...not judging me I guess." I say softly, standing up.

"It's no problem." He waves me off.

Heading for the door, I give him a small wave as I exit his office. The second the door is shut, I wrap my arms around myself.

The Elders huge mansion is still as large, and as empty as I remember. The fact that I haven't seen Hardin in over two weeks doesn't help.

I've been talking with Dr. Kaleb since day one, but until today I haven't dug into anything painful from my life. It feels refreshing in a way, but also scary, knowing someone knows me better than I know myself.

Hardin's comfort is something that helped, but I went with the Elders because I knew Hardin wasn't enough anymore. I needed professional help, and as much as I love him, and as highly as I think of him...this isn't his speciality.

"I feel like you made progress, did you make progress?" Dom asks the second I enter the room.

Wait, Dom? I thought, utterly confused.

"You're not here just to see little old me, right?" I ask him with a frown.

"Hardin wanted me to check in on my way, so give me all the gossip." Alpha Dom smiles at me.

With a small smile, I wrap the large man in a warm hug. "Thank you." I murmur.

His arms tighten around me with a gentle squeeze, before releasing me completely. I join him near the window, taking a seat on the large L shaped couch.

"How is Hardin? Is he eating, and sleeping properly?" I ask, one of my biggest worries.

For the sake of both of our mental health, we've been staying out of each other's heads. It's just until I'm feeling better, I don't want any of my feelings inflicting Hardin's.

"Zed, Beck and Jackson have been on his heels making sure he takes care of himself. He hates it, but he understands." Dom shrugs slightly.

I sigh with relief. "Good."

"He's given the entire pack a reboot, ensuring things are better for when you go home. So, don't worry about what anything thinks...you do what you gotta' do, alright?" Dom nudges me.

His support makes me upset, because all my life I've never had this off anyone except Hardin. It's overwhelming, and the fact that Hardin has gone ahead and rebooted the entire pack on what I assume is attitude adjustment, just tops it off.

"I will." I whisper, wiping my eyes quickly so he doesn't see me cry.

"Feel like pranking Luther?" Dom asks me like it's the most normal thing in the world.

As ferocious as this guy can be, he has this man-child side to him that just reminds me of all the males I'm missing from home. Beck, Jackson, Zed, and especially Hardin, hell, even Hardin's dad has a childish side to him.

Why are they so different to my father?

"Only if I get to pick the prank." I retort.