Chapter 82
Rogues tend to be on the move a lot, it makes sense to not carry luggage. But she's a baby...how can she not have clothes? Or diapers? Or a bed?
"No, just herself and this." Luther places the blanket on the coffee table next to me.
"She's so beautiful." I say softly, staring down at her little face, watching her watch me curiously.
Having never had this with my pups, it's all new, and a painful reminder that I will never see their smiles. Despite my sadness, and heartache, I felt the instant change in my wolf as I let the baby grab my finger.
Hesitantly, I unclip her from the car seat and gentle lift her out. I didn't plan to, but I couldn't help myself, I cradled her against me. The feeling of her living, breathing chunky little body against my skin, it upsets me so much that I couldn't blink away the tears.
Because it wasn't a painful upset, it's like instant relief. Like all the pain, and the loss, and grief just suddenly fade in one moment, and I'm still grieving for my own babies but it's not consuming me.
For the first time since I lost them...I felt my wolf settle, peace finally filling her, allowing her to rest.
"I'm sorry but this isn't right, they're still grieving their own pups-"
"Those tears are not of sadness, Lori...but relief." I heard someone tell her.
Using my sleeve to wipe my face, I blow out a breath of air and take a mouthful of water before finally meeting Hardin's silverish grey eyes.
"Your wolf." Hardin murmurs to me, glancing over my features, seeing the beast isn't lurking beneath the surface anymore.
"She feels peace." I whisper, settling baby Mila between us, allowing Hardin to see her up close.
I could see the worry in Hardin's eyes, and I don't have to ask what's wrong, I already know. He's concerned about what will happen to me, to my wolf when the Elders find Mila a more suitable home. Right now I don't want to worry about that, I just want to enjoy the fact that I'm not drowning in my own grief. It's there, it's just faint.
"She's cute." Hardin agrees, staring at the baby with a slightly distant look.
I know he never wanted a baby, I understand why, and I get that he feels more disconnected to Mila because she's not ours. So I don't try and force him to hold her, or interact with her, because I don't want to make him uncomfortable, or like he has to love her in any way.
"We'll call in a few days to see how you're all settling in, if you need anything until then, don't hesitate to call us." The Elders say goodbye to Hardin, and Dom, before exiting the house.
"I thought rogues had a distinctive smell?" I wonder out loud, realising she just smells like a fresh clean baby.
"They do, it's called not bathing." Dom responds, and I smile slightly, glancing at Hardin and noticing him doing the same.
Dom and Zed begin to schedule border patrols, and Hardin and I head upstairs to get Mila settled so we can figure out what to do next.
***
"Are you ok?" I ask Hardin quietly, climbing into bed next to him. He's been a little off since Mila arrived, I get that it's not what we wanted to happen but Hardin also agreed to do this with me.
Has he changed his mind?
"Don't worry about me." He sighs lightly, turning and dragging me closer to his warmth. I smile at the action, snuggling into his bare chest.
"It's only temporary." I remind him of the words he said to me not so long ago.
Hardin's fingers bury into my hair, gently massaging my scalp like I'm the one that needs comfort right now. Maybe it relaxes him, knowing that he's able to relax me.
"I love you." Hardin whispers wholeheartedly in the darkness of the bedroom.
The joy, and warmth that I feel from those small words, knowing that despite everything he still chooses me, it's indescribable.
Tilting my head back so I can gaze at him, my eyes glowing brilliant red, allowing me to see him in the night. I lean in, lightly pressing my lips against him, physically melting against his chest.
This is the first kiss we've shared since he woke up, intimacy has been at the bottom of our list.
"I love you." I mumble, my hand on the side of his face as I press myself further against him.
Hardin is eager to respond, and although we don't do anything more than kiss, it's a huge accomplishment for us. We've been so out of tune, acting more like friendly enemies than mates, that this just awakens the bond we've been neglecting.
For the first time in a long time, we find ourselves completely at peace. Even if it was only for a couple of hours.
***
The days fly with Mila around, I felt comfort and peace, like part of me had begun to heal. It was nice hearing little giggles, and seeing her smile, and make a mess with her food. I loved it, but Hardin didn't. He hated the mess, her smiles irritated him, and her giggles just pissed him off. I wasn't sure why he disliked her so much, if it was because she's a baby, a rogue, or just because we lost ours.
With time, all good things come to an end.
Mila wouldn't stop crying, and no matter what I did she didn't want it. Food, bum change, a bath, toys, attention, I even took her to the pack doctor because I thought something was really wrong with her. Until I realised that the one thing she wanted, needed...I took from her.
Her mother.
That feeling, knowing she still cries for a woman she probably doesn't even remember, it breaks my heart. Suddenly her cries made me sad, and her laughter broke my heart, her smile just reminding me that she isn't mine. That I will never see my own pups at this age, they will never giggle, or make a mess, they will never say their first word or learn the alphabet.
All the things that I thought I was finally getting past, just become more painful. As I fell into depression, Hardin finally began to accept Mila. When I couldn't even bare to look at her face anymore, Hardin was playing peek-a-boo.
I felt awful, knowing it's not the baby's fault, but I just hated her. I couldn't stand being around her, because all I felt is agony. Hardin did his best to make sure I was eating, and drinking, and he provided as much comfort as he could. But I didn't want it, I just wanted to be left alone, in the silence of our bedroom.
Hardin gave me space, as much as I needed, figuring time will help me heal. Days became weeks, and then months, in that time I had lost weight, I was barely eating, barely sleeping, the nightmares were back, sometimes I sat around in pyjamas for days, or I would wake up and just lay in bed.
I was mentally broken, and when the Elders came to take Mila to her new home, I asked them for help.