Not all fine

Not all fine
I let out a breath, trying my best not to faint from how overwhelmed I just felt. ‘What the fuck just happened?’ I asked myself over and over, standing alone in the empty room that he just left me in. 
I got what I wanted, for him to leave me alone, but something about the way it happened just felt a bit… 
“hey” my grandma? If I was allowed to call her that, called me from the door way. “The men are back” she said, a little bit of light in her eyes as she spoke
“Oh… yeah” I said wanting to go out but she stopped me, pushing me further inside before I could make it out
“Are you okay? Are you good?” She asked, looking at me with a bit of concern. 
“I am perfect… why do you ask?” I asked, feeling a bit weird that that she would even ask me how was I. Yes after the attack she seemed to be a little more friendly towards me, but this was a little disturbing. 
“Darling” she said, looking at me with what looked like pity. “I did not mean to eavesdrop but I heard your friends’ words before he stormed out of here, and your eyes” she said, stretching her hands to me, wiping my tears away. “It’s okay to have a fall out and be in your emotions you know” something about the way she said it made me burst into more tears. 
“It’s for the best” I said, the tears and the stinging in my throat betraying what it was that I had to say 
“Are you sure?” She asked, pulling me in a hug.
And I cried. This was the first time someone was this close to me after Eric, aside from Aiden but he did not count because we were in and off. 
“No” I said, letting myself bask in the hug. “But it has to be, I don’t think I can let anyone around me get hurt and die again” I said, my voice coming out in a wail, but I did not care “it’s all my fault” I said, trying to sniff in the mucus coming out of my nose while I blinked away the tears that made my eyes blurry. 
“How can you say that” she said, rubbing my back in a consoling manner. 
“Because if I had just let baba come back to the pack as he had wanted to, then he would still be alive now” I said, feeling my throat close up while i tried to speak. “If I did not make Olivia false promises and bring her close to me then she would still be alive to and then so would her sister” I pulled away from her, shaking my head. I did not miss the way her eyes widened slightly when I said the word baba, but she schooled her features just as fast 
“None of those are your fault” she said, looking at me with a smile. But you could tell that even in the smile, she felt my pain. 
“But…” I tried to speak, tried to explain what I felt inside without it feeling like I was crazy but she was not having it. 
“None of that nonsense!” She snapped, looking at me with annoyance. “The moon goddess would never allow her faithfuls suffer unjustly!” She said, looking me straight in the eyes. 
I wanted to say a lot, about how she sure did let me suffer a lot at the hands of my human parents down to the bridal farm but I kept my mouth shut. It was easier for everyone like that. 
“Now” she continued when she saw that I had put myself back together. “The men would see you. You have to be careful though they are a bit on the edge now” she said, looking out the door as though they could hear us which kind of made my whole body shake. 
I nodded, following her lead to the outer room where I helped earlier, down to the room where we had the meeting before the attack. 
It was more like dust now, everything burned down to the ground. 
“The fae king attacked” one of them said before I could fully get myself into their inner circle.
I nodded “show no fear” the words from the beta of earlier came floating in my head. 
“So I came to see” was all I said, my voice coming out as flat and as emotionless as I could get it. 
“She even talks to us with audacity” someone from the crowd said, looking at me with so much rage. 
“We spent years making a barrier strong enough to keep him out one this one just comes from nowhere and…” the one who seemed to have a lot of control, their Alpha cleared his throat, cutting that one off midway and then silencing the rest that had been mumbling. 
“Miss Advika, we hear you are from the castle” I opened my mouth, not really knowing how to respond to the question. 
“I.. I am” I said, hating myself for the crack in my voice. 
“No person from the castle is a friend of the pack. And worse, no relationship with the fae king is welcomed into our pack” the man said, his eyes clouded with emotions. I opened my mouth to say something, but what could I really say? 
“I might be of the crown but…” 
“Please” the man said again. “You have done enough damage, at first light the guards would escort you out” he did not sound stern, he did not sound like he was demanding, but you could hear the resolve in his voice. “You can complete the mourning rites back at the castle” he said, after which he left. 
I could see grandma at the back, looking at me with a bit of helplessness I nodded, as t was not her fault. I went to meet her, trying to say something, anything as it felt weird to just.,. Stand. 
“The journey would be long, but I would prepare you sweets for the journey” she said, smiling at me but for some reason, I could not help but feel like something was definitely not going to be fine…