Chapter 19

Julian tightened his embrace as Tate bowed his head.

After a bit, Tate continued, “My body shielded Tony from the blast, but shrapnel tore into my leg. I was bleeding badly. The sarge and the other guys ran up. They had to tourniquet my leg to save my life. But by the time they got me back to the base and the medics, the tourniquet had been on too long. My leg was dead. So they amputated it.”

Julian waited, puzzled. Tate’s story was tragic, but how could he believe it was his fault his father died as a result of the accident? Yes, the stress of hearing your son was severely injured could cause someone to have a stroke or a heart attack, especially if in poor health, but Tate hadn’t been killed. His injury, while serious, had been managed well. His actions had saved his friend’s life. He’d been injured when a land mine went off, not doing something stupid like drinking and driving. Surely all these facts had been conveyed to Tate’s parents.

“But why do you feel you’re responsible for your father’s stroke?” Julian asked.

Tate looked at Julian. A great sadness filled his eyes. “I just am.”

“I don’t understand.”

Tate sighed and went on, “When we heard Sarge call to us, we panicked, especially Tony. We didn’t want to be caught. Even though ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is behind us, it can be pretty rough on guys like us in the military, especially in the Marines. And besides, we were on duty and messing around. There would be hell to pay. We ran out of the house, forgetting all precautionary protocol regarding IED’s. If we hadn’t been so freaked out about being caught doing what we had been doing, we wouldn’t have set the thing off. Our heads would have been on straight. We’d have been more careful.”

“But you did see the mine. You saved your friend’s life,” Julian said, hoping to assuage some of Tate’s guilt.

Tate shrugged. “If I hadn’t been so horny, we wouldn’t have been fooling around in the first place. It never would’ve happened.”

Julian considered this for a moment, then said, “I can understand how you’d feel that way but…your dad?”

Tate, who’d been leaning into Julian, whose arm was still around his shoulders, pulled away. “Dad and I were very close. I thought he walked on water, and I…I was his golden boy—his only son, a source of so much pride for him. I was a model student, a star athlete. But he didn’t know my secret. I felt so guilty seeing how proud he was of me. I kept thinking that if he knew the real me, he’d reject me. I felt like a hypocrite accepting his praise when if he knew I was…” Tate’s voice trailed off.

“You never considered coming out to him?”

Tate huffed. “No way! Dad was a homophobe. Not because of any religious belief, but merely based on his absolute aversion to, and distaste for, anything gay. He’d often point out some effeminate looking guy we’d pass and say how disgusted it made him. Sometimes he’d even make offensive comments when they were within earshot. When TV shows and movies started to come out with gay characters, he vowed he’d get rid of the television rather than watch crap like that. He probably turned over in his grave when same-sex marriage was approved. I don’t know what he would have done if I’d ever come out or got caught. And I could have.”

“How so?” Julian asked.

“You remember when I came to see you last week?”

Julian nodded.

“I said the cottage held a lot of memories.”

Julian nodded again.

Tate rose once more and hobbled to the window. Julian followed him.

“I had sex over there with guys more times than I can count, right under my father’s nose. Often he and Mom were sitting right here.” He gestured around the room.

“Why, if you knew your dad was so anti-gay? Why take the chance?”

Tate thought for a moment and then said, “I’m not sure. On the practical side it was convenient. There weren’t many places teenagers could get privacy, especially for gay sex.” He paused, then continued, “I think on some level I was doing it to feel some sort of acceptance.”

Julian gave him a questioning look.

“You’re going to think it’s weird but I guess in my mind, if I could do it right here, at home, when I knew my dad was just yards away, it was like he’d be okay with it. I know it sounds crazy.”

Julian smiled.

“So that’s why I feel like I killed him.”

He turned to Julian, who was now looking at him with a bewildered expression.