Chapter 20
“Don’t you see? If I wasn’t gay, if I hadn’t been having sex, then I wouldn’t have lost my leg and Dad would still be here. The shock of that was too much for him.” Tears were running down Tate’s face. “That’s why whenever I feel attraction to a man I remember that was what killed my father. That’s why I don’t want to have a new leg, and be what Mary calls normal. I don’t want to go out and be tempted. It’d be like I was doing it to him all over again.”
Julian took the young man into his arms. Tate’s emotions were clouding his logic, leading him to conclusions that weren’t based on reality.
“Tate,” Julian began, not sure how to make the young man see his faulty reasoning. “Your dad died of a stroke. Not brought on by his discovering you were gay, but more likely a combination of his poor health and the shock of your being gravely injured. Your being gay had nothing to do with it.”
“But it happened because I was having sex with a man.” Tate pulled away from Julian, went back to the couch, and sat down.
“It may have happened because of the situation you created when you were having sex, because you made a poor decision, but the fact that it was with a man is irrelevant. Your dad died never knowing you were gay,” Julian said, resuming his seat beside the young man.
“He died thinking I was some sort of hero for saving Tony, not knowing who I really was,” Tate said sadly.
“Look, Tate, I’m not a psychologist, but I think the real issue here is your guilt over your dad’s high esteem for you, while not knowing you were gay. You wanted, needed, him to accept the real you, all of you, the gay part as well. You never got to have that. What I think you have to do is come to the point where you can separate your dad’s image of you, and yours of yourself. Just because you feel he couldn’t accept you were gay, doesn’t negate all the other qualities that gave him so much to be proud of. And who knows, if he had known, maybe he’d have been able to deal with it.”
“I don’t know,” Tate said sadly.
“Do you think that if you’d been having straight sex and then the accident happened, he wouldn’t have had the stroke?”
“No. Well, yeah I guess so.”
“But, Tate, he didn’t know you were having sex at all, gay or straight. The only ones who know that are you, Tony, and now me. It makes sense for you to feel guilty because you were doing something against orders, which may have led to the mine going off, but the fact it was sex with a man doesn’t figure into the equation. You could have been playing cards or taking a nap. Being caught doing anything you weren’t supposed to could have led to you and Tony panicking and running out of that house.”
Tate shuddered. It seemed he was struggling to take in all that Julian had said, to have it make sense to him.
“I need to think,” he said, rising and picking up his crutches. He looked at Julian, then sighed and made his way out of the sunroom.
* * * *
Julian watched him go. Julian had said everything possible to help Tate see that he was carrying an unnecessary burden. After a few minutes, Julian, too, left the room, retrieved his overnight bag from the entry hall, and made his way to the kitchen.
There he found a note from Mrs. Butler, again expressing her thanks and giving instructions as to where to find the soup and other things she had prepared for dinner. Julian found dishes and utensils and set the table for two.
It was only a little before five o’clock. Julian decided to wait before actually heating the soup and getting the sandwiches and salad from the refrigerator. Julian wanted to give Tate all the space and time he needed to sort through what Julian had offered him.
Julian got out his laptop and began to look over his lesson plans for the coming week one more time. He found it hard to concentrate. He went over the conversation the two men had had in the sunroom. Had Julian seen things clearly enough to help Tate see he was looking at the accident in the wrong way? If Julian had succeeded, and Tate was able to follow through with what the two of them had begun to share physically, was that a place Julian was willing to go? He certainly found Tate attractive enough, there was no doubt about that. But what of his decision to not get involved with someone again, to move into a new way of life?
Tate had awakened in Julian the realization that he still had needs, both physical and emotional. He hadn’t accounted for this when making his declaration to leave behind the life he had been living with Virgil. Had he really believed he could live the rest of his days without love and its physical expression?
One thing he knew for certain: he didn’t want to hurt Tate in any way. He wasn’t one to play around with meaningless sex. Virgil had been his first and only love. He and Virgil had been monogamous. At least Julian had believed they were. If he had sex with Tate it would have to be for more than physical release. It would have meaning beyond that.