20. Gaslight.

20. Gaslight.
When I had finally wept all the tears I could last night, I agreed with Kaleisha and Mrs. Macrae that I would spend no more time on self pity. Instead, I would focus only on my survival. The thought seemed excessive to me, but I must admit there was a solace to be found in one's own determination.

After I had settled somewhat, the women helped me to bathe, an experience I was initially reluctant in. Until that is, Kaleisha mentioned if they didn't help me tonight, then Edward may insist upon aiding me tomorrow.

The thought of any man touching me was enough to bolster my courage. Edward aiding me in such a way was not to be borne, and I must try and grasp back at some of the dignity I have already lost.

So, instead the ladies helped me wash away the dirt and dried blood of my injuries, and once I was dressed in a fresh and much more modest nightgown, I do admit to feeling entirely better.

The only thing I found strange was their insistence that I keep their helping me a secret. They would not explain the reasons behind this necessity, however offered me many assurances that this requirement was for the best. Thus, I agreed to avoid telling anyone of their kindness, and would keep the true particulars of this evening to myself alone. Deciding if pressed, I would declare I managed quite fair and respectably by myself.

This new morning, I do feel rather weak though. Mostly I am tired; my pains restricting me somewhat from a comfortable night's sleep. However, I do believe they are easing and the meal last night has done wonders for me. As such I have managed to rally myself enough to wrap my body in a morning gown, before stoking the fire up and returning to bed.

I hav refused to allow myself to believe such slanders about Edward that were superfluously implied, without any particulars to act as evidence. That being said, I like to think I am not a fool, and Kaleisha's kindness has opened my eyes to the fact that I do not know the depths of their grievances with one another. Thus, I am in no position to judge in either of their matters, other than from my own experiences.

The realisation both excites and concerns me. For while I enjoy the prospect of another companion to spend time with; I am starkly aware that Lord Edward Sorrell and I must establish again the proprietary boundaries between ourselves.

As flattering as his attentions are, I must take pains to remind him that I am not the woman he should be taking such an interest in; for I am not so naive that I believe society will approve of the sphere in which I was raised. I am merely Catherine Innes, a farmer's daughter. I am not a fit choice to be the next Dutchess of Erneska, journeying to and from court and entertaining the peers of the realm and their wives.

Which is why my modesty must be protected, and though I am not able to stand the full weight and trappings of a dress upon my body, I am determined that I will stay modest and decently attired at all costs.

It is a little before lunch, and I am picking at the leftovers of my breakfast, when I finally hear the twist of my door handle. I do find it odd that no one has returned to collect the tray, yet I do not question it too much as there is peace in solitude.

The loud knocks that echo on the door, signal that I must make my way across the room after all.

"Why am I locked away from you, Catherine?" Edward asks sternly, as I open the door.

"What?" I ask in return, confused by his tone and disapproving expression.

"The door was locked, Catherine, preventing me from entering. I am asking why?" He responds, pushing the door open further and away from me.

I sigh at a loss, not only at his temper, but at what response I should give.

"Lore Sorrell, I do not know what to say. Except that I was not singling you out. I was simply trying to feel safe from everyone." I offer, watching as his face remains with an unreadable expression on it.

I wait as he looks at me scrutinizing my appearance, he is displeased.

"You are feeling better it seems," he states, moving into the room.

"Yes, food, sleep and the opportunity to be clean once more has done me wonders. I must admit I had expected your presence sooner," I state somewhat tersely, his mood souring my own.

Closing the door behind him and his questioning expression, I move to return to my seat, while waiting upon his response. Once I am seated, I resume picking at my food ignoring the foreboding presence Edward Sorrell has become.

I can sense his foul mood as it surveys my room, before he comes and sits in the chair opposite me, beside the fire.

"Catherine, picking at left overs is hardly ladylike behaviour," he reprimanded me.

"True, but I am no lady, remember? I am a farmer's daughter and I am hungry." I respond, seeing as the lord stifles his smirk.

"But, if you are to meet my father, certain behaviours will be expected." He further goads me.

"Ah yes, the elusive Duke of Erneska." I respond, thoroughly fed up, "I wonder if I would be better just going home, maybe I could meet him at a time that is more convenient for him. He is such a prestigious and busy gentleman, I could almost believe I will be stuck here forever waiting on his benevolent condescension."

"Catherine, it almost sounds as though you are not happy here. What could have possibly conjured up such unsettling ingratitude?" He asks me sternly, his finger agitating against the arm of his chair.

"After being abandoned to such a fate, that I cannot sleep without my door being locked, is my attitude really so surprising, Lord Sorrell?" I answer with a question of my own, "My home may not be much to a person of your standards, but I felt safe there, wanted."

Lord Edward Sorrell flew out of his seat in such a fury at my words that the chair itself splintered upon hitting the stone floor behind him.

"You dare accuse me? Lay blame at my door, and cast accusations of being undesired my way! I who am in love with you! I who wished to marry you! I who planned, and still do plan despite your cruelty, to tie myself to you for the entirety of my existence! You dare accuse me of abandonment!" He roared, laying his truths before me in a terrifying manner. "Yes, I may have left you alone, but I needed to gather myself after being so callously rejected. If you had waited where you were supposed to, instead of traipsing through the wilderness on your own false confidence, I would have found you sooner. But no, I was left panicking because you had disappeared. I had no idea what had happened to you Catherine, or where to look for you, I was terrified. Anything could have happened, and it did! Six men lost their lives because of you, Catherine. Yes, they were degenerates, but still they deserved a trial and a just execution. Though none of that I could allow, because of the views it would shed on your owl moral fiber. In everything I do, I try to protect you, but you seem determined to demonize me. Do not think I have not noticed your use of my full name and title. Do I mean so little to you? That you can cast aside my adoration so easily."

My stomach opens horrendous at his words, leaving me feeling empty and aghast.

Is this all my fault?