Sleepless

Sleepless
Lilieth 
I can't sleep.
I'm lying awake in bed hours after our exchange in the kitchen, thinking about it nonstop. 
If his words meant what I think they did...
No. I close my eyes, hoping that it'll help quiet my thoughts. I'm thinking about this too much, and there's absolutely no reason why I should read between the lines. If he's not being straight with me, that means that I'm reading into things too much. 
Besides, what do I even want? To hear that he has feelings for me? What would I even do then?
I haven't thought about it yet. I do recognize that something inside of me feels different whenever I'm around him. I'm finding myself looking at his face and realizing just how handsome he is, whereas before, his face was just...a face. 
His eyes are so green, and whenever he's the slightest bit excited, they seem to glow. 
I turn on my side, sighing. I won't be able to sleep. 
I should walk around for a bit. Have some water. Breathe in some fresh air. 
Sitting up, I scoot closer to the edge of the bed, looking around the room briefly. I'm in one of the only two bedrooms down the short hall. The room I'm in is the one his parents usually occupied, with the low-set double bed and heavy handmade quilts. 
Cadeon offered it to me because he thought I'd be more comfortable. 
Whenever I think about these things, I feel this tightening in my chest that makes it a little hard for me to breathe. I feel like a different person out here, in the middle of nowhere. My conservative ways and sensible thoughts have fled me. 
I'm thinking about him in ways I really shouldn't, and I don't know if it's because he saved me when I least expected it, or if this was something that was already brewing inside of me for some days now, ever since that Gamma stopped Rivonia from getting close to me. 
Rivonia. Wenton. Petra. Noctem Lunae. They all feel so far away now. So out of reach. 
I thought I'd be alone in the living room, but I realize just how wrong I am when I see him seated on the couch, stoking the flames with a long iron rod. 
His eyes meet mine when he hears me approach, and for a moment, my heart drops really low, and the butterflies in my belly go rabid. 
"Is everything alright? Are you cold?"
"No, I'm fine," I assure him. "I just couldn't sleep."
I sit next to him on the couch, aware of his eyes on me. I meet his gaze briefly before averting mine and staring at my hands. They're red from all the heat flowing through my body. 
Cadeon says to me, "I hope that what I told you earlier didn't cross a line between us. I had to be honest with you. I didn't want you to think that I was lying about everything else."
"It's fine," I say too quickly. "I didn't feel that way at all."
I'm lying, and I wonder if he knows it, too. 
My focus is on the flames. After a while, I get positively distracted and even feel sleepy. It's almost hypnotizing, the way they lick the wood. I feel so warm. I move back, resting my back. I decide to close my eyes just for a few seconds, and before I know it, I'm fast asleep. 
I wake up in the morning, lying on my side. There's a pillow behind my head, and I'm covered by one of the quilts in the room he assigned to me. 
I rub my eyes, looking around the light cabin. It's pouring outside, and I mean pouring. The rain's beating down on the roof and windows relentlessly; it's a ceaseless drumming. A thousand fingers tapping at once. The wind is howling, too, screaming like a wild, feral animal. 
I look around the living room and don't find Cadeon. He must've been the one who covered me with the quilt and placed the pillow behind my head. 
I can't believe I fell asleep here. 
I grab the quilt and the pillow before heading back to the room. Then, I use the en suite bathroom to get cleaned up. I had a few supplies with me in my rucksack, and they're definitely going to come in handy now. 
Twenty minutes later, I walk out of the room, teeth brushed, washed, and feeling better than I did last night. My mind is clearer and isn't burdened by the shock of watching people die right in front of me. 
I also realize that Cadeon and I didn't discuss something of utmost importance. 
Golen. 
I find him in the kitchen, the smell of coffee permeating the air. I approach him and he looks over his shoulder. His hair is damp and falling over his eyes, which look so bright now that it's daytime. 
"Good morning."
"Good morning," I say, hating his my voice halters right toward the end of my greeting. 
"How did you sleep?"
I flush. "Pretty well. Thanks for the quilt."
"You're welcome," he smiles. "I'm making some breakfast. Eggs?"
"Sure. Thank you."
I stand by the counter and watch as he moves around the kitchen. His face is relaxed, and he looks like he's genuinely enjoying what he's doing. Seeing him kind of reminds me of my brother and how I'd usually find him in the kitchen in the morning, making us all too many eggs my mother never had the heart to complain about. Corey always makes the best eggs. 
I miss them. So much it hurts. 
But I'm not seeing a brotherly figure as I'm watching him. No, I'm oddly impressed, and watching him fills me with that fluttery feeling once more. 
The one that's too dangerous for me to acknowledge. 
"Here," he says, handing me a plate and a mug of coffee. 
We sit at the counter. I decide to keep what I have to say until after breakfast because I don't want to ruin the mood. In five minutes, his plate is clean, and he's eyeing me over the rim of his mug. I try to focus on eating and not how close he is to me, so close that his knees are brushing against mine under the counter. He smells clean, too. His scent is...No, I won't think about it. 
"There's something I wanted to say to you," I begin, hurrying to quiet my disturbing thoughts. "About something I saw the day before yesterday."
He's eyeing me with interest but doesn't say a word. 
"Golen," I begin, bringing that specific memory to the top of my head. "I watched him kill someone."
Horror mars his face. "What?"
"I know I should've mentioned it earlier," I say. "The truth is that so much happened...it slipped my mind. I only remembered it this morning. I don't know how it happened, but it did."
I think a part of my brain suppressed that memory because I wouldn't have been able to think if I had that in mind. Maybe those Gammas would have caught up with me. 
"Tell me everything you know."
I begin to explain exactly what I saw that night. I'm horrified just thinking about it. 
"And you're sure the man was dead?"
"Sure, sure? No. But I heard that crack." I pause, thinking about it. "I didn't think to call for help. I stayed away all night thinking about it."
Cadeon appears thoughtful. "I'll have to look into the matter when we get back. Dammit. I don't know what's going on anymore. He clearly isn't up to any good."
"Is there something you know?" I ask curiously. 
His face hardens slightly. "He was in the meeting I overheard. He mentioned that he'd kill you if the Gammas failed. I guess I forgot to mention that, too."
I stare back at him wide-eyed. What? I knew he didn't like me, and I was never once fooled by him, but for him to want to kill me?
I'm in more danger than I thought. 
This friend of my mother's wouldn't even have helped in such a scenario. I think about that person all the time. 
"What a mess," I mutter. 
We sit in silence afterward, consumed by our own thoughts.