Distance
Lilieth
When the morning comes, as soon as I'm alone, my hand moves tentatively over my belly.
There's no bump yet—in fact, I don't know how the healer figured out that I was with child. It's incredible to me, how they always know.
Tingles spread across my fingertips as I caress my belly. This is just the aftermath of the shock that took hold of me when Cadeon told me the truth. Pregnant. I can't believe it. Every time the word crosses my mind, I have this feeling that I'm going to pass out.
How can I be pregnant?
Yes, it is a shock to me. There's a concoction we take once a month to prevent pregnancies, but I didn't think I had to start taking it now. I mean, it's so soon. Isn't the bond meant to be stronger before my body becomes receptive to his seed? Well, I guess the only thing that can explain this is the fact that we've always had a strong connection.
Heck, I think that when he gave me his blood and I could feel his emotions, a partial bond formed between us, which is why this happened to begin with.
It all started from that day, I guess.
Everything we are. Everything we're yet to be.
My teeth sink into my bottom lip as I continue rubbing my belly. Although I don't feel anything on the surface, I feel it in my soul. There's someone inside of me, growing. Someone's who's half me and half Cadeon.
I never really gave a thought to having kids before—I've only been focused on the present and not starting a family—but now that I'm forced to confront this, I'm genuinely imagining it. I start seeing his or her little face, and the feeling of needing my baby in my arms is so strong that I start to tear up.
When Mom told me about how her pregnancy felt for her, I didn't think to relate her situation to mine. I've also been paranoid and extremely suspicious. A few days ago, I could barely sleep. And yes, right now, there's a reason for that, but I've become somewhat difficult to deal with, even for myself.
A knock echoes through the room and I wipe my tears away quickly. "Yes?"
"It's me," says Deo.
My heart sinks a little but I ask her to come in. Deo flashes me a broad smile as she enters the room. "Lili. Oh, by the goddess. How are you feeling?"
"Great," I say, though I'm not sure if that's true.
My best friend sits on the edge of my bed. Deo genuinely looks happy—I don't detect an ounce of sadness from her. "And? Tell me how you're feeling!"
"I don't really know how to feel."
She frowns, concerned. "What do you mean? You're not happy?"
"I am?" I say. It doesn't sound like a statement—it's like more of a question.
"Lili, what's wrong? Talk to me. I'm just trying to understand what's going through your mind right now."
I sniffle. "I just don't think it's right to celebrate at a time like this, and I'm so sorry if this was distressing to you, or—"
Deo raises a hand, her expression serious now. "Lili. You didn't just say what I think you did. What? You don't want to be happy about this on my account?"
I don't know what to say, so I keep my lips sealed.
"This is the craziest thing I've heard," she claims almost angrily. "Have I given you that impression? That I'll act out? That I'll hate every pregnant woman out there because of what happened to me? Yes, it was tragic, and yes, it broke me, but I'm more than capable of being happy for a friend when something wonderful happens to her. I'm complex, you know? I'm not a simpleton?"
"I didn't mean to offend you, Deo. I'm just trying to be considerate."
"I didn't ask for the kind of consideration that chips away at your happiness," she declares. "Everything has a limit—this is where your consideration ends. If you won't draw that line, I will, got it? I'll be mad if you don't allow yourself to at least be happy about this. How dare you?"
I wipe my tears and Deo tilts her head to the side.
"Lili," she finally says. "Come on. Come here. Let me hug you properly and say hello to my niece or nephew, okay?"
We embrace and her hand settles over my belly gently. How great would it have been if she were also carrying? We'd give birth at about the same time. Dammit, I'm giving birth? I can hardly believe that.
Actually, I can't believe it at all.
"The healer said you should rest, so that's what you're going to do, okay? No more running around for you. I won't let you get stressed about anything."
"I'm fine, Deo. Really, I am."
"No, you're not. You passed out, remember?"
I take a deep breath. "I feel better now."
"Well, as your family, it's our job to make sure you stay this way. I've already sent word to Mom. She'll be here soon. She's been helping a few of the villagers make some clothes and she spent the night there. She didn't know until today. Until the donations come in from the other packs, we'll have to make do with what we have."
"I want to go down to the village. Let's go."
"No."
"Come on, Deo. Resting doesn't mean I have to be bedridden. I don't have to lift heavy weights or do anything that makes me tired, but sitting around will only make me more distressed. I hate not being able to do anything, even if I complain about having too much on my plate."
She arches a brow at me. "That's called being a hard-to-understand person, Lilieth."
I shrug and offer her a small smile.
"Oh, Corey's been out since last night. I didn't tell him anything. When we get back, I think you should. That will really cheer him up."
Together, we head down to the village. I think about the argument I had with Cadeon last night, and to be honest, I do feel like I could compromise a bit more. I know he's only worried about me and that he said those things because he cares, but I'm determined to help as much as I can.
I'll be fine. I've been fighting for weeks and I was pregnant at the time.
Why should knowing about it change anything? Yes, I passed out, but I also hadn't eaten anything, and I was so worried about Timmon. I still have all those concerns in my mind, but I feel better now. It's easier for me to push them to the back of my mind.
I like the atmosphere—there's something so different and more optimistic about it. Some of the houses are being rebuilt, and it doesn't take me long to spot Cadeon.
I stagger to a stop, Deo right beside me, when I notice that he's talking to Draven. That sight is so surreal to me that my head spins a little. I've never seen them talking—not the way they are now. All their interactions are always so detached, and Draven speaks to me about any matter concerning Cadeon, even the one about Timmon.
"What's going on?" I ask.
"No idea," she claims. "Come on. Mom wants to see you."
We find her sitting in front of a newly renovated cottage, sewing furiously, but when she sees me, she nearly drops the dress and races toward me.
Seeing her this happy lifts my spirits.
"Lili, my darling!" she exclaims, kissing my cheek repeatedly. "Oh, you don't know how happy I am! I'm overjoyed! I can barely contain my excitement!"
"Thanks, Mom."
She pinches my cheek. "My daughter, pregnant. By the goddess, the timing is perfect, isn't it? Are you happy?"
I sigh. "I don't know yet."
Mom draws her eyebrows together and smiles. "I was the same. In fact, up until I held Corey in my arms, I was sure I didn't want a son. Once things settle down, I think you'll be happier."
"I hope so, too."
Cadeon joins our side, and Mom gives him the same treatment she gives me. One thing I notice is how he's not looking at me. I'm not sure why, but I sense how cold he is.
As soon as we're alone, I ask him, "Is everything okay? Did Timmon send word?"
"No," he claims. "He didn't. Everything's fine."
With that, he turns on his heel and walks away from me, and I know right away that he's upset with me. It's about me wanting to fight, I know it.
And honestly, it makes me feel upset.
I fold my arms and join Mom and Deo, determined not to think about it. However, all my thoughts along with my buried anger are hammering against the side of my head, threatening to drive me crazy.
I won't change my mind, though.
Why can't I have an opinion of my own?
Why can't I do what I want?