Chapter 48 The Apology
I continued until I got to my room. With my body shaking from a new wave of embarrassment I had dashed up the grand staircase.
The elegant hallway seemed to go on forever. After locating the door I slammed it behind me.
A loud defiant punctuation to the stiflingly quiet dinner the sound reverberated throughout the quiet house. My chest heaved as I leaned against the door.
I finally shed the tears I had so desperately suppressed.
They were stinging and hot as they ran down my face. I moved to the bed after pushing myself away from the door. My legs felt weak.
I slumped onto the plush mattress and covered my face with my hands.
Now I let the tears fall freely and let out a soft sob. It was a cry of complete defeat grief and rage. I had made a mistake by coming here.
I was familiar with Victoria's personality. I had anticipated this. However a tiny optimistic part of me had thought that Carson's presence would suffice.
This had been my mistake. I had been foolish.
I had let myself get sucked into this icy hideous home. This was a cage, a prison that was gilded. Victoria and I were ensnared within it.
Another wave of pain came when Victoria's smug contented face came to mind. Her victory was assured. I had felt inconsequential and tiny because of Victoria.
Because of her I felt like a burden.
It felt as though all of the happiness and light had been sucked out of me because the air in the room was so thin and oppressive.
I came here hoping for a friendly greeting or at least one that was neutral but all I got was cold disdain.
Until my throat hurt I sobbed. I sobbed until my head hurt and my eyes were dry. Time was no longer meaningful.
Curled into a ball I lay there gazing at the gray walls. The chaos inside of me was completely contrasted with the rooms heavy silence. I felt totally isolated.
I hoped Carson would show up.
I hoped that he would come and reassure me that everything would be alright. But he didnt. I was aware that he was with his mom.
He had made the decision to remain with her.
It must have been an hour. The moons gentle light was now filling the room.
My tears had turned into quiet chills. My eyes were red and swollen. I felt devoid and empty.
The door opened at that moment. I stayed put. I chose not to look up. I simply gazed at the wall.
And then Carson entered.
He did not fully shut the door. With slow gentle steps on the plush carpet he entered the room. He sighed which I heard. A few feet from the bed he came to a stop.
Despite sensing his eyes on me I chose not to look at him. He stuffed his hands into his pants pockets.
“Annabel.” He said in a low almost casual voice. “I apologize for what happened during dinner.”
I didn't reply.
I just used the back of my hand to wipe my face while maintaining eye contact with the wall. The apology didn't seem sincere. It was merely a formality. It seemed as though he was compelled to say it.
He let out another sigh.
“My mom is a little. . . challenging at times. You're aware of that. She simply requires some time to adjust to you.”
Finally, I turned to face him.
My eyes were inflamed. I wanted to shout at him. I was itching to yell. I just stared though. No words could have made the silence louder.
His body shifted uneasily.
“You know I love you. You're aware of that. But she is my mom. She is my only remaining person.”
I said nothing.
I need to do anything to make her happy and I must take certain actions.”
He hesitated while he waited for me to speak. I didn't.
“She has gone through a lot. She lost my dad.”
The remarks seemed betraying. He was defending her. He was defending her harshness.
A deep profound sadness tore at my heart. I was completely mistaken about him. I was hoping he would defend me. I had assumed that he would protect me. Rather than that he was sacrificing me.
With a shock of pain I understood that maintaining the peace was more important to him than protecting me.
My emotions were never really defended, they were treated as a secondary issue that needed to be handled and covered up.
With an increasingly pleading tone he said “I need you to try. For me.”
I felt a knot form in my throat.
“Can you do that? Can you just try to get along with her?”
I took a deep swallow. “‘That girl’ was what she called me.”
“She didn't mean it that way.” he said hastily with a falseness in his voice that I found intolerable. “You are aware of her nature. She simply says things she doesn't intend to say.”
I shook my head. He was telling lies. If he was lying I knew it. In addition to lying to me, he was also lying to himself.
He was not the Carson I knew.
With a softer tone he repeated “I’m sorry.I simply want everyone to be happy. Is that really so much to ask?”
I remained silent. I had nothing to say.The disappointment and the pain took all of the words away.
He was on her side. Great!
I had to be by myself. I had to fight this battle by myself. He let out a last sigh. The sound was one of surrender.
With a flat voice he said “I’ll let you be.”
He turned and left the room.
With a soft click, the door shut behind him leaving me by myself in the icy quiet. Now the silence felt even worse.
My hope was gone and it felt like an open wound with a huge hole in it.