Chapter 30-1

"So, that's pretty much it."  Ali drew a circle in the sand with her toe, unable to look at Otis.  The beach sha-sha'ed softly, the sound filling the space between them as they sat on the shore.  She'd talked non-stop for hours, and now everything was out and she was waiting for his response. Considering the weirdness of the situation, it had actually been a pretty good night.  Thomas had seemed to recover quickly from the revelation his girlfriend had been flying under multiple monikers and that Otis was her significant ex.  He kissed her on the forehead, told her he would meet her back at the room, and had left her and Otis alone to speak. There wasn't any time to get all deep and meaningful right then because Otis was due on stage, so she ended up watching his set.  Ali sat in the back of the room, feeling simultaneously ashamed that this was the first time she'd ever seen him perform and it was five years too late, and elated because he was brilliant.  His voice had developed, a huskier, more soulful tone than he'd had when they were together; it was no wonder she didn't recognise his songs when she'd heard them played before. The audience were similarly captivated, the hipster crowd singing alone to his words, the guys and girls both equally enraptured by his stage presence.  He wasn't a household name, but he had his niche, and the people who knew about him obviously loved him. After the concert, he'd stayed in the bar, drinking and chatting with the fans who'd come out to see him, and in his easy manner with the people he talked with, Ali could see a shimmer of the man she'd once known.  His ivy eyes locked onto whoever he was talking to, and his smile was still pure magic. When the crowds were gone, Otis said goodnight to his band, and together they'd walked down to the beach.  In all the weeks she'd been in Newcastle, Ali had never been down to the beach, and by the pale light of a crescent moon, she could see how stunning it was. She'd started talking about his music, which had led her to ask, "Hey, weren't you supposed to play in Newcastle the night after..."  She trailed off, unsure if either of them were ready to open that bag of crazy. "The night after we broke up?  Yep." "Otis...  I have to tell you..." Now the moon was in the opposite corner of the sky and the quiet seemed to compress the air around them.  For everything she'd told Otis, all about her arrival at the hospital, her disgraceful exit from her job, her time on the road, Haven, she still hadn't said the words she'd waited five years to say. Steeling herself, she turned her body towards him and allowed their gaze to meet.  It was excruciating to look into his soul as she spoke but it was how it was meant to be.  "Otis, I know this is too little too late, but I'm so sorry.  I ruined your life, your career, your heart, and I won't ever let myself be happy because of that, and it's still not enough. "I was so young, so completely selfish and stupid.  I always acted as though you were too immature, but it was the other way around.  You knew what was important, and I just didn't want to listen.  I'm not asking you to forgive me, but I want you to know that stupid girl is gone, and I'm here, paying the price for her stupidity.  I'm so sorry." His brow was lowered, and she could see him processing as he said, "Lexi...  I came back to see you, a few months after that night." "You did?" "I did.  I knew we could never work as a couple ever again and I'd made my peace with that.  I had moved on, had even had a taste of what a healthy relationship was like.  But I wanted to see you, to put everything right between us." Despite the fact it was all ancient history, Ali felt her chest hitch.  He'd moved on so quickly, even while I was grieving?  But it didn't hurt as much as it should; she'd wanted him to be happy, to not pine for her. He played with a handful of sand, passing the grains from hand to hand.  "The terrace house was for empty, the apartment had a lovely South African family living in it, and security at your office building all but threw me out the door after telling me you'd 'moved on.'" "That's a really nice way to put it.  I actually saw MacNamara in the city a few weeks ago." "How did he look?" "The same.  Like he hates the world almost as much as he hates himself."  She shuddered at the memory of almost running into him on Walker Street.  "No matter what, I'm actually grateful they sacked me.  If they didn't, I might still be there, living in a soulless vacuum without any family or friends.  I have you to thank for teaching me there was more to life than money." Otis raised and dropped his shoulders.  "You would have discovered that little fact eventually.  I always believed in you, Lexi." "You shouldn't have, but I'm glad to hear you tried to come and see me.  I'm just sorry I was already gone."  She'd been doing an admirable job of keeping her tears concealed, but now they began to flow in rivulets.  "I'm sorry about so much.  Your career.  You gave up an amazing opportunity for me, for nothing, and I have always wished I could change the past so you could have another offer like that one." "I did.  When I left you that night, I went straight to JJ, and he said it wasn't too late; I could still go on tour with Sam E's band if I wanted." "Oh, thank god!"  Ali allowed a sob to gush out.  For years, she'd carried the heavy load of guilt for wrecking his career; now it was finally lifted.  "Was it amazing?" "I didn't go.  I realised if I let JJ help me, it was no better than letting you pay for my life.  I had to get my shit sorted.  Of course, not before I decided to go out with him for a drink or forty..."  He shook his head at his own idiocy.  "I remember thinking, this is awesome!  This is why people drink - it fixes everything!  Next thing, I'm waking up in hospital, with the world's biggest hangover." "I should have come." "Yep.  But I didn't die, and it was all okay in the end.  I left the hospital and did something I never thought I'd do - I went home." "You saw your parents?  How were they?" "They were freaking over the moon to see me.  All the stupid arguing over my career suddenly didn't matter anymore and they told me they'd support me no matter what direction I decided to go in.  So, I organised some performance dates and hit the road.  I've pretty much been touring ever since." "Your music is amazing.  You're amazing," she said simply, because he was.  "You should be huge - bigger than Faker." "Don't let Chet hear you say that."  He laughed and the sound was familiar and warm.  "I have passionate fans, so I'm happy for now.  Me and the band, we make enough to support ourselves and we spend our time doing what we love.  Maybe one day things'll take off, but for now, it's all good.  This is the life I was born for, and I'm happy." Relief flooded through Ali, pushing more tears out.  Otis didn't touch her, but she could feel that he wanted to and was worried about mixed signals. Instead he asked softly, "So, what about you, Ms Carson?  Are you happy?" "I've tried really hard not to be happy.  I figured I never deserved it again after what I did to you, to the baby..." "Yeah, about that..."  He looked out to sea, as if the answers he needed were floating beyond the breakers.  "Lexi, you were right.  It wasn't the right time for us to be parents; I wasn't ready, you definitely weren't ready.  I'm not sure where I stand on the whole abortion debate, but I'm actually grateful you never forced me to decide.  You shielded me.  Yeah, maybe we could have had a kid, adopted it out, or struggled along for a while as a family, but that wasn't the path.  We are exactly where we're meant to be, right now." "How do you know that?" she whispered. "Because we're here," he said, as if it was the most obvious answer in the world.  "Listen, you don't need to punish yourself for all that stuff - it was years ago!  I'm fine, I'm happy, I've moved on, my life is good.  You can be happy too, you know." "I'm not sure I know how to let myself be happy." "Yeah, you were always a bit shit at that." "Hey!"  She punched him lightly, and he smiled to see her brighten. "Seriously though, let it go, yeah?  You can keep a big list of all the stuff you've screwed up in life, hell, we could all do that, but it won't get you anywhere.  Did you learn anything from being around me?" "So much."  She wiped her face, feeling salt gritty on her cheeks.  "I worked out that people are more important than money, that everybody has value, no matter what their clothes or bank balance looks like, and that you should be open to love in all forms."