Depression

Depression
HER

I wasn't hungry. I asked about Derik, and he lowered his head, hesitating before answering that he was busy and would return when he could.

I knew he was lying.

With a heave heart I went to bed, it took me a long time to fall asleep. The night was terrible, full of nightmares about the humiliations I suffered in captivity. Phrases repeated, familiar bees, about how I was nothing, no one wanted me, a worthless slave, a female to be sold...

I woke up sweaty and scared, turned to hug Derik, as always did when I had nightmares, but he wasn't in bed. The metal mug I placed on the doorknob, to wake me when he opened the door, was still there, untouched. The sun was already back, birds sang joyfully, but he hadn't returned to the room...

I cried, I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't hold it in. I was alone, I had no idea where or with whom Derik spent the night. My insecurities returned with full force, and I began to doubt everything he claimed to feel.

Midday mealtime arrived, but I didn't get ready, I had no energy to go out to eat. A small part of me hoped he would come for me, as it was part of our routine, but he didn't come.

Where was all the possessiveness of his nature, when he wouldn't let any male near me, if he didn't care to have other males bring me to the room? Where did he put his jealousy if he ordered males, practically strangers, to stay at my door without him around? He was like a tick, saying he couldn't stay away from me, but he spent the whole night out! Without knowing how I was, didn't he care?

My wolf curled up inside me, confused and disappointed, just like me. Well, we are the same person, and when we feel the same, the emotion is even stronger. My heart ached terribly, emotionally and physically, and I cried until I had no more tears left.

I heard light knocks on the door, I opened it and one of the guards smiled with a tray of food in his hands.

— Luna, you didn't come out to eat today, so my female took the liberty of bringing something special, she prepared it herself!

I didn't smile back, and his smile faltered.

— Don't be like that, Luna. You are pregnant, you should be happy. I heard that pups feel everything their mother feels!

— Thank you!

I forced a fake smile, out of gratitude, accepted the tray and closed the door. I wasn't hungry, my stomach was churning. The smell of the food was making me feel worse, I almost vomited, so I threw it in the trash and covered it, to contain the smell.

I looked out the window, very sad, confused by the contempt Alpha Derik was showing me, when I remembered the words Hira once told me: She said that Derik didn't love me and never would, all he wanted was a Luna to save the clan, which was on the verge of extinction.

The pack was saved, the females were getting pregnant, and there was a pup of his in my womb. I guess now he didn't need me anymore, he didn't need to pretend to care anymore, that's why he slept out...

Did he sleep with Hira?

They must be happy stepping all over me.

I'm such an idiot for thinking my life would change so much and so quickly. I'm just a worthless slave, the females here are much prettier than me, Hira is beautiful and has had an affair with him for years while I look more like a pup playing with her mother's clothes...

For a moment, I thought I had no more tears to cry, but I did. I lay on the bed and curled up trying to sleep, too depressed to stay awake.

When I woke up, it was night again, the metal mug still on the doorknob. I managed to smile when I realized he hadn't shown up.

I'm really pathetic, thinking I was the Luna of the pack. Furthermore, I'm just a prisoner, nothing new about that, the guards are still in the hallway. My cell has changed, it's comfortable, with a bed and furs, but I'm still the same useless slave.

If Derik doesn't want to come, I don't care anymore. If he doesn't care, why should I? Come to think of it, now I don't want him to come back! I won't catch fleas from wherever he lay down!

My heart no longer ached, it was cold, icy. My wolf was angry, and her anger made me laugh. I tried to calm her, now we have a pup in our womb, we are no longer alone.

One of the guards called me, I didn't open, he told me he brought dinner, I sent him away, he insisted, I yelled at him to stop bothering me. He stood there for a while, until I heard his footsteps retreat. I locked the door, I don't want anyone to enter my cell!

Rebecca always told me that at least the locked cell protected us from perverts.

I pushed the dresser against the door, making it harder for them to open it.

Vivi must have already been exiled, one of my females expelled from the pack, and I wasn't there to see her leave. The Luna should be present at this time, but I guess I'm not anyone's Luna in this place.

I have no value, and my word means nothing, right?

I think I'm not well....

The nightmares during the night were with Derik instead of the jailers.

I don't feel my wolf...

I filled the bathtub, need to wash myself, I'm so dirty! I scrubbed my body, but the dirt wouldn't come off, so I scrubbed harder. My skin is red, but I feel better, I'm going to sleep now, I'm tired.

I opened my eyes, my eyelids were heavy, and I closed them again. Is it day or night? It doesn't matter. I hugged a pillow, the bed was too comfortable for me to get up. I heard knocking on the door, I didn't answer. The knocking got louder, but I didn't turn, I was so tired. I needed to sleep a little more, why were the jailers making so much noise?

Someone called my name, I think it was all a dream. Rebecca must still be sleeping, she would wake me up if it was time to work.

I heard a bang, then another, and the sound of the metal mug hitting hard somewhere, but the sleep was so strong…