Chapter Thirty-Two

I remember everything that happened last night. Everything. We didn't stop once, and my body is marked with his teeth and his nails. It'll all heal soon, I know that. But still, whenever I look at them, they serve as a reminder of what transpired between us. I feel his hand on my waist, but I get out of bed.

There's a mirror in the bathroom, but I can't look at myself right now. Is this the same person who vowed to love Raphas forever and is now riding his brother till sunrise? It can't be. I don't recognize this Bea. This Bea is a traitor and a liar. This Bea belongs to Reed. Raphas' Bea is somewhere inside of me screaming for help.

I enter the shower and I opt for cold water. I'm burning on the inside and I need something to cool it down. Reed comes into the bathroom and joins me in the shower. He towers over me and I feel his hands on my waist.

"You can't deny it, Bea. Stop fighting with yourself. It's me you want." I know he's right, but how can I just let go of Raphas? How do I give up on what we had?

"Stop thinking about him."

"I can't."

"Then try."

He kisses my neck and then bends me over. I'm disgusted with myself, this lust. Disgusted at the way my body reacts to his touch. I close my eyes and wait for it to end. He grabs a towel and pats me dry. Then he opens the closet and picks a random dress for me. I don't even notice it's details. He puts it over my head and tugs it down.

Then, he kisses my neck.

"Join me for breakfast in my office, Bea."

How do I say no after last night? And this morning? I lost. I gave into him. Declining his invitation won't change that. The marks on my body are proof of my defeat.

I follow him wordlessly. There are two trays on the table. I wash the lump on my throat down with orange juice. He looks content and smug, but he's trying to hide it. He knows I could draw back in my shell and ignore him for another week, and he doesn't want that. I see no point in fighting something inevitable. I won't fight him anymore. I surrender. It's too painful, having to betray Raphas time and time again. I'd rather just forget he ever existed, and live this unhappy life with Reed.

"Eat," he command, and I do so automatically. Now that I've let him in, it's gotten harder to push him out. I finish the toast, but I leave the omelet. He eyes it distastefully, but doesn't comment.

"What do you want to do today?"

I shrug. "It doesn't matter."

"I'll ask Bianca to give you a massage. You need it after last night."

I wince when he mentions last night and he notices. He sighs. I wish I could grow wings and fly away from this mess. Things were easier with Raphas. They were difficult at first, since I left my life with Gavin behind, but now life is impossible.

I leave his office and I return to the bedroom. I lie down, but I can't sleep. I stay awake and think about Raphas, of the camp. I wonder how things are going there. Does Penelope miss me? I think of the dress she was supposed to make for my mating ceremony with Raphas. That lovely material. I can't believe I won't ever wear that dress. We had so many plans, and Reed flushed them all down the drain for his own selfish reasons. I wish I could hate him, but I can't. Something forbids me from hating him, and I'm sure it's the fucking bond.

I think of Emilio, killed be Reed's pack mates. He deserved it, I won't feel sorry for him. Ever since I rejected him, he was trying to make my life miserable. And Bernard, who whipped me mercilessly with silver. I had bad and good moments there, and all my good moments were with Raphas. If I could preview the future, would I have wasted so much time hating him and pushing him away? Would I have asked him where he went every day? I would never leave his side. This is all Dantes fault, but then again Reed already had males waiting for the perfect opportunity to take me to him. Maybe all this was inevitable.

What do they think actually happened to me? Sandra was my friend, too. Would they care if I died? Would they spare me a second thought? Is Raphas there now, or somewhere else and if he is there, what did Dantes tell him. Did he tell him I ran away again? But Raphas knew I would never run, not after we got together. I'd never betray him like that. But I did betray him with his brother, and it's abominable. He will never forgive me for this. Never. And I won't forgive myself.

Lunch comes and goes. I sit next to him at the table and the entire pack looks at me. I don't look at anyone. There's someone new sitting on his left, most likely his new Beta, but he doesn't introduce him and I don't ask. Of course I don't. I don't say a word to him throughout lunch, but he keeps sparing glances at me, tries to analyze my face.

I go back to my bedroom, but there's nothing there. Everything has been moved. I find a female outside his room and she tells me she received orders directly from him. She's pretty. Curly red hair, soft blue eyes. I wonder if he's slept with her before, and my heart clenches painfully even though my brain couldn't possibly care less.

She explains that he ordered to have my things moved to the master suite. I thank her. I don't fight him on this. I've given up on that. This shell of me has nothing else to give. His bed is huge and his room more luxurious than the others.

He pats on the spot next to his. "Come, Bea. Let's celebrate."

I go to him. It's a celebration to him, but defeat to me. He knows this, but he's ignoring it well. I sit on the place next to his and he pinches my thigh. "We'll make all of our pups in this bed, Bea. How does that feel?"

I look at him with a blank expression. He grabs my face and kisses me. I kiss him back.

What else can I do?