147

147
DREW
I groaned as I rolled away from the streaks of sun shining across the bed. As I buried my face in the pillow, I realized that the scent of Camille’s perfume was missing. I had grown so used to waking up to the smell of her
perfume that I didn’t know what to do without it.
“Where the fuck am I?” I muttered as I sat up in bed and leaned back against the headboard.
There was a pounding in my head as I looked around the room, taking in the cheap motel room. The two queen beds were covered with brown bedding and the pillows were slightly lumpy.
As I yawned, I got out of bed and the floor seemed more like a rolling ocean than a flat surface. My memory of the night before was hazy but there was something tugging at the back of my mind.
I stumbled to the bathroom, grimacing when I caught a whiff of stale beer and sweat lingering together.
After scrubbing my skin until I could no longer smell the night before, I got out of the shower. While I toweled off, I tried to think about what I had
said and done. I knew that I’d been with Camile for a few hours, but I didn’t remember why I was in a hotel room.
“Fuck,” I said, groaning as I stooped down to pick up my clothes and nearly fell over from my spinning head.
As soon as I was dressed, I started searching the room for my phone. There were several missed calls from Leigh and Haley. Neither of them had left any messages, but it was strange to see over a dozen calls that I had missed.
How much did I have to drink last night?
That was when I saw the pictures. My stomach dropped to my feet as I stared at the photos of women draped over me. I was laughing and smiling for the camera. When I got to the one that showed a woman sitting in my lap, I knew that I had fucked up more than I’d thought.
As I scrolled through the articles about last night, my memories started to come back to me.
I could remember arguing with Camille. Most of what I had said to her came flooding back. I had told her that I didn’t want to be a father. The night had ended with me walking out of her life.
“Fuck.”
I called for a car and waited outside. As soon as I was in the car, I tossed some money over the seat at the driver and asked him to get me to my house as soon as possible.
Throughout the long drive, all I could think about was how I was going to apologize to Camille. I felt sick. I knew that I wasn’t ready to be a father but was anybody ever ready?
When we pulled up to my house, my heart was hammering in my chest. I hurried out of the car and went to the front door. As soon as I unlocked it, I stepped inside and looked around.
“Camille?”
I was greeted with silence as I moved from room to room, looking for any sign that she had been here. All her clothing and personal items were gone. Her side of our closet was cleaned out and there wasn’t anything of hers in the dirty laundry pile either.
“Fuck!” I shouted, leaning against a wall. I ran my hand down my face and looked around our bedroom.
She was gone and it was my fault. I didn’t even know where she would have gone. Since we started dating, she hadn’t bothered looking for a new house yet. Although, given the missed calls from Leigh and Haley, it was likely that she was with one of them.
I went back into the nursery and stared at the cribs sitting beneath the window. Nothing else in the room had been touched either. All the furniture was where we had put it. There were clothes still scattered around the room, waiting to be put away.
When I looked at the changing tables, I saw a note on one of them that I had missed on my first search of the room.
Drew,
I’m going to stay in a hotel for a little bit until I get some things sorted out. I’ll let you know once I have a place. I’ll keep you updated on our daughters too, just in case you change your mind. Other than that, separation is the best thing for us right now.
You don’t want to be a father and I’m going to respect that decision. I’m still going to leave the door open in case you change your mind. I think our daughters deserve to know their father.
I put down the note and pulled out my phone. As I listened to the ringing, hoping that she would pick up, I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t
believe that I had made such a mess of things in one night.
Though I knew I had been telling her the truth last night, I hadn’t thought it through. I’d spoken to her without thinking.
“Hello,” Camille said, her tone cool. “Camille, please come home.”
She sighed. “If you meant even half of the things you said to me last night, there’s no point in me coming back. You need some time to think about what it is you really want. That’s not going to happen if you’re living with a constant reminder of what you’re afraid of.”
“I shouldn’t have let that woman sit in my lap last night and I should have called you when I knew I was going to be out later. As for what I said about being a father, well, I still don’t know about that.”
“And that’s why I’m not coming back.” “Camille.”
“No. You need to think about what you want. I have no problem letting the girls see you, but that’s if you want them in your life. We were both raised with parents who didn’t want us. I’m not going to subject our daughters to that.”
Camille hung up before I could say anything else. It felt like I couldn’t breathe as I stared at the black screen, wondering what the hell I had done.
All it took was two weeks of distance and one night of saying everything that was on my mind to destroy my family. If I had been open with Camille over the last couple weeks, she would have stayed. She had been willing to work through everything with me.
I was the one who kept pushing her away. This was my fault.
As I put my phone in my pocket, I looked around the room. There was no
way that I could stay here and look at the evidence of the lives that I had destroyed.
I’m no better than my own parents.
The need to drive far away rolled through me. I went to the front door and grabbed my keys before heading into the garage.
There was only one person other than Camille who might understand what was going through my head.
“What are you doing here?” Jessie asked as she opened her front door.
“Hey sis,” I said as she let me inside. “Can’t I come visit you every now and then?”
“Yes, but you don’t. You’re the kind of person who calls and sets up appointments to see people. If you’re showing up on my doorstep, something happened.”
“I made a mess of things and you’re the only one that might understand where my head is at.”
Jessie gave me a soft smile and nodded to the living room. “Go sit down.
I’ll make us some coffee and then we can talk.”
She disappeared into the kitchen while I walked into the other room. As I wandered to her couch, I looked at the pictures hanging on the walls. It had been a long time since I’d been to Jessie’s home. Happiness filled me when I saw the photos of her and her friends.
Even after the shit childhood we had, Jessie was happy. She was doing well with her life and she wasn’t letting the past hold her back.
I envied her in a way for that.
If I could have worked through my problems before shoving Camille out of my life, I would be starting my own picture wall. There would be pictures of my daughters and Camille on the wall. Outings with friends. A life lived beyond my past.
“Alright,” Jessie said as she joined me with a mug of coffee in each hand. I sat down on the couch and took one of the mugs from her. “Start telling me about what happened. I assume it has something to do with that woman you’ve been seeing and your babies.”
“I told her that I didn’t want to be a father and that she and our children would be better off without me in their lives.”
Jessie’s lips disappeared into a thin line. She took a sip of her coffee and sat down in one of the armchairs. I watched as she leaned back against the cushions and crossed one leg over the other.
Rarely was my sister quiet.
“What?” I asked, panic surging through me at her silence.
“Do you think that they would be better without you because somebody thought the same shit about you before putting you in the system?”
“Of course,” I said. “My parents—from what little I do know of them— never wanted a child and didn’t care about what happened to me. They just knew their lives would be better without me in it.”
“So, you’re doing the same thing that was done to you to your daughters.” “In a way, yes. They have a mother who is going to love them
unconditionally though. They never have to worry about going into the
system and trying to find a family that cares about them. They’ll never have to go through what either of us went through.”
Jessie sighed and set her mug on the table beside her. “You need to get over your shit, Drew. You’re going to have daughters who need their dad in their lives.”
“I don’t know how to be that to them.” I glanced at the pictures on the wall. “I know that no parent is ever ready to be a parent, but it feels like I’m exceptionally unequipped to deal with it.”
“Everybody is unequipped. You’re not special, Drew. It’s your job to be better than all those foster families were.”
“I don’t know if I can do that.”
“By taking the time to figure out if you really want to be a father, you’ve already done more than all of those families ever did.”
“I guess you might be right.”
“I am right,” Jessie said. She smiled and shook her head. “You’ve always been too hard on yourself. You need to let go of everything that happened in the past. Focus on moving forward with your family.”
I sighed and ran a hand down my face. The more I talked to Jessie, the more I thought about what my life would look like with children. Most of my childhood had been horrible. I knew that I would work hard to make sure that my daughters never felt unloved a day in their lives.
Being a father was going to be a challenge, but for the first time since finding out Camille was pregnant, I felt a sense of peace with the decision.
“You love Camille, don’t you?” Jessie asked.
“Yes,” I said without hesitation. “Of course I love her. I really do.”
“Then stop being scared and start living. Everything you’ve done for the last who knows how many years has been based around a fear of the past and
trying to cope. It’s time that you move on with your life.”
“She said she would let me have a relationship with our daughters, but I don’t know if she still wants one with me.”
“You’re never going to find out what’s happening there unless you talk to her.”
“I know.” I took a long drink of my coffee. “I’m going to go see her and apologize for everything. I’m not ready to give up on us yet.”
“Good. I want you to be happy, Drew.”
I looked around at her apartment again. It was comfortable and cozy, the kind of place she had always talked about owning.
“Are you happy?” I asked.
She smiled and nodded. “I am. I’m going to be even happier once my little nieces are here and I get to meet them.”
“You’ll get to meet them as soon as they’re here—as long as I can convince Camille that I’m not a complete idiot.”
“She’s a smart woman. She wouldn’t have walked away if she didn’t love you the same way you love her. Both of you are in love with each other and willing to leave the other to make sure you both are happy. If you’re this upset about what happened, I’m sure she is too.”
“I know. I never meant to hurt her.”
“You’re going to hurt the people you love. It’s inevitable. All that matters are your actions after.”
I smiled and shook my head. “When did you get this smart?”
Jessie laughed and finished off her coffee. “One of us needs to be the emotionally stable one.”
Our laughter blended together, filling the room. It was what a happy family sounded like. Jessie and I might not be related by blood, but she was the first
person in my life who stuck around when nobody else did.
“Now,” Jessie said as she leaned forward in her seat with a grin. “Let’s talk about what you’re going to do to win Camille back.”
I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.
Though I would understand if Camille didn’t want to get back together, I was going to fight like hell for a chance to grow our lives together while I still had a chance.