146

146
CAMILLE
Ever since Drew confessed his fears to me two weeks ago, I had been watching him decline. I had seen the distance forming between us from
a mile away but there was nothing I could do to stop it.
If he needed space to see that we were going to be able to raise our daughters, then I would give him the space to figure that out.
However, hearing all his fears had only brought up more of my own.
If his distance continued after the babies were here, I would have to take a bigger step back from my career than I had been preparing for.
Having to walk away from what I had worked the hardest for killed a small part of my soul. I didn’t want to sit around thinking that Drew was going to keep backing away, but I knew that there was a possibility he would.
Everyone who had ever meant anything to me—other than Clarke and Tyson—had left me to fend for myself. They had never given a shit about what happened to me after they were done with me.
I had hardened myself after high school and more so after university. Focusing on my career had been what pushed me through the pain of the past.
Now, I was going to have to look at giving up some of the things that I had worked for.
You have to have more faith in him than that. He isn’t your mother. He isn’t all those other people who left you to suffer because caring for you was too much. Drew is a good man who loves you. He isn’t going to leave.
That was what I told myself as I walked into the kitchen well after midnight, looking for Drew. I had known that he was going out tonight, but I didn’t think that he would be gone this long. There were only a few more hours before the sun would rise and Drew was still out.
I sighed and grabbed my phone from the charger on the kitchen counter. My phone started buzzing, dozens of notifications appearing on the home screen. As I unlocked the phone and started scrolling, a pit opened in the bottom of my stomach.
I felt like I was going to throw up and for once, it wasn’t from the pregnancy.
The front door opened as I looked at yet another picture of Drew stumbling out of a club with models hanging all over him. My stomach lurched as I scrolled to another picture of him in the club with a model in his lap.
Even though I knew he wasn’t out cheating on me—he wasn’t the kind of man to do that—I was still pissed off about the model in his lap. It was blatant disrespect for me. He had another thing coming if he thought that I was just going to let it fly.
As he stumbled into the kitchen, I could smell the alcohol wafting off him.
My nose wrinkled as he wandered toward me with a lazy smile. “You smell like a bottle return.”
Drew tossed back his head and laughed like it was the funniest joke in the world. “I had a good time.”
“I thought you were going to be home hours ago,” I said, putting my phone down on the counter and pushing it toward him. “What the hell is this?”
Drew grabbed the phone and looked at it. His smile fell slightly but it was still there, turning up the corners of his mouth. He shrugged and scrolled to one of the other photos before passing the phone back to me.
“Nothing. I was just at the club letting off some stress.”
“Drew, I swear to fuck if I hear I was at the club or I was having a good time one more time, I’m going to explode.”
He shrugged and walked to the fridge. His gaze never left me as he opened it and pulled out a bottle of water. His eyes were glassy, and I knew there was little point to having this conversation with a drunk person.
I was hurt though. He had hurt me.
Years ago, I had promised myself that I was never going to give anyone the power to hurt me again. Now here I was, letting a man stomp on my heart.
It wasn’t going to keep happening.
“You promised that you were going to be home hours ago,” I said, hating the way my voice cracked. “I stayed up, waiting for you.”
“I don’t know why you bothered.”
“Because I love you, Drew. I thought that something happened to you.”
He gestured to his body. “Well, as you can see, nothing happened to me. I went out to have a good time and let off some steam. You know I like to stay out late.”
“That’s not the point,” I said, frustration rolling through me. “You told me that you were going to be home by midnight. When I didn’t get a call or a message, I started to worry about you.”
“Camille, enough. I don’t have the energy for this right now.”
“Not enough,” I said, my tone harsh. “We are going to deal with this right now. I know that you’re drunk, but you’re still sober enough to understand what we’re talking about.”
Drew rolled his eyes and downed his bottle of water. “I don’t know why you bother.”
“I’m starting to wonder the same thing.” My hands clenched into fists as I tried to remain calm.
“I wasn’t out cheating on you.”
“You know what, I know that you weren’t out cheating, but if your answer to some woman sitting in your lap is that you were just letting off some stress, then I’m out either way. I don’t deserve this shit.”
“You would like that, wouldn’t you?” he asked, his tone low and his breath smelling like stale beer. “Make it easy for you to run.”
“I don’t think running is fucking easy. I’m willing to do the hard work. I’ve always been willing to do the hard work. You’re the one that’s been pushing me away for the last two weeks.”
“I haven’t been trying to push you away, Camille. I just needed some time to myself to think about what it was that I really wanted.”
“And what is it that you really want?”
“Camille, you make it sound so easy. The way you say that makes it sound like I’m supposed to have the rest of my life planned to the day.”
“I just want to know what’s going on in your head. You and I can work through a lot, but not if you’re not willing to let me in.”
Drew sighed and moved into the living room, tossing himself down onto the couch. He draped an arm over his face as his legs hung over the side of the couch.
I stared at him for a moment, wondering if it was worth it to fight for the
relationship. Though I loved him, I wasn’t going to put up with the man I chose to spend my life with running around with other women—whether he was cheating or not.
Even after everything that had gone wrong in my life, I deserved better than that.
“Camille, can we do this in the morning?” He peeked beneath his arm at me. “I feel horrible.”
“Nope,” I said as I crossed the living room toward him. “We are going to do this right now because you’re not going to want to talk about it in the morning. Just like you haven’t wanted to talk to me about what’s been happening in your head for the last two weeks.”
Drew sat up and looked down at the floor. He shifted in his seat before looking up at me. “I can’t do this.”
“What can’t you do?” I stood a few feet away from him and crossed my arms. “Be specific.”
“This,” he said, gesturing between us. Drew nodded at my stomach. “That.”
My eyes burned as tears gathered in them. Even though I wanted to cry, I wasn’t going to. He didn’t deserve my tears.
“Great. Thank you for making this easy.”
“I know I’m a coward. But it is better this way. If I’m not in your life, I can’t hurt you or our daughters.”
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing now?”
“I know. You can stay here as long as you like. This is your home too. I’m not going to ask you to find somewhere new to live with the babies on the way.”
None of this made sense. I didn’t know how we had gone from happy, in
love, and excited to have children, to this. We were drawing further and further away from each other.
I wasn’t going to beg him to stay though.
I raised an eyebrow, my chest constricting. “So, we’re going to live in this house together? You want to spend time walking around and avoiding each other? What about work?”
“We’ll avoid each other the best that we can. You’ll avoid me and I’ll stay away from you.” He got up and pulled out his phone, his thumbs flying over the screen before he looked at me again. “You stay here. I’m going to go stay with a friend until we get everything figured out.”
“Just like that, you’re walking away?”
He took a deep breath, and I could see the tears gathering in his eyes. “Do you think that this is easy for me?”
“Do you think it is for me?”
Pain blossomed in my chest as I looked at him. It felt like the ground was falling out from beneath my feet. I was plummeting and there was nothing that I could grab onto to save myself.
We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. It was likely less than a minute, but time seemed to stretch as the walls closed in around me. I was being left again. Yet another person had seen something in me that wasn’t worth staying for.
Why am I never good enough for anyone?
The voice in the back of my head was that of the hurt little girl who used to watch her mother walk out one morning to disappear for days. It was the same little girl who had learned that the only person she could depend on was herself.
I felt like an idiot for letting him in. I never should have.
From the beginning I had known that it would only lead to heartbreak, but I had wanted to believe the best about him. I thought that there was someone in there who was waiting for the right person to give him a chance.
It turned out there was someone just as damaged as I was who wasn’t ready to heal.
I put my hand on my stomach as I looked away from him and bit back tears. As much as I wanted to cut him out of my life, our daughters deserved to know what a good man their father was—if he ever changed his mind.
“I’m not going to keep you from the girls if you ever want to see them.”
He shook his head and gave me a small smile. “You know better than to wait around for me, Camille. I’m sorry for wasting your time.”
With each step he took to the front door, more cracks ran through my heart.
It was only when the front door slammed that my entire world shattered into a million little pieces.