144

144
DREW
Then I told Camille that I would find her attractive no matter how large her stomach grew, I was being honest.
What I didn’t tell her was how terrified I was about having children.
She looked up at me from where she was splayed in bed on her back, her hand drifting up and down her stomach. The babies were kicking. It was difficult to pretend to be excited to feel the kicking, but I did it for her.
The last thing she needed was to know how scared I was.
“Clarke isn’t going with you?” she asked as my phone buzzed in my pocket.
I pulled it out and checked the message. “Not tonight. He and Leigh are doing something else tonight. Tyson is here though so I have to go.”
I bent down and kissed her quickly before taking off. My heart was hammering, and my stomach was rolling as I walked out to Tyson’s car.
Thankfully, as soon as I was in the car, Tyson started rambling about the latest small business he was planning to flip. He kept his conversation going with minimal input from me until we were at the bar and our order had been placed.
“You look like you’re going to throw up,” Tyson said as our beers were brought to our table.
There was a band playing on a small stage, covering some of the popular songs. People were dancing and laughing, looking like they were having a great time.
It only made me feel worse.
“We felt the babies kicking today.” I reached for my beer and took a sip. “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to be able to do this parent thing. I wasn’t built to be anyone’s father.”
“That’s what I thought too until Haley brought Trinity back into my life.
Now I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“I don’t think it’s going to change like that for me. I didn’t have parents in my life growing up. I had a shit childhood and I’m sure that I’m going be a shit parent. I never want to see my children go through anything that I went through.”
Tyson sipped his beer and shrugged. “I don’t think it’s as simple as being a good or bad parent. I think it’s more about doing the best that you can.”
“That sounds like a cop-out.”
He laughed. “I know it does. Believe me, there are still times when I think that I’m doing the worst job at parenting. Haley makes it look so easy.”
“Camille is going to be a great mom. I know she is. But I think that I’m going to fuck it up.”
“You need to have a little more faith in yourself than that.”
The waitress brought over two baskets of wings and put them in the center of our table. When she took off, we dug into the wings. There were a few moments where I had enough time to not think about anything other than my food.
“I think you don’t give yourself enough credit for the person you are,” Tyson said. He took another sip of his beer. “Despite your shit upbringing, you built a company that earned millions before being brought on as the third partner of Crestwood Capital.”
I sighed and finished my beer before ordering another. If it was as simple as what I had done to transform my life, I wouldn’t be worried. Instead, I would have been heading into the birth of my children feeling a little more capable than I did.
Camille didn’t know about the nightmares I woke up from in the middle of the night. She didn’t know that each time I closed my eyes, I saw our babies being ripped away from us.
“All that I’ve built means nothing,” I said as my second beer was set on the table. “I don’t think that I’m cut out to be a father.”
“Because people were terrible parents to you?”
“That’s a lot of it.” I drank half my beer in one go before reaching for another wing. “But what happens when our kids get older and they come across some of the shit that I’ve done?”
“Everybody has a past.”
“Not all pasts are as horrible as mine. I did a lot of things that I’m not proud of.”
“Well, you keep working on making sure that those things don’t happen again. You’re a good man, Drew. You made some shitty choices, but everything is going to be fine.”
I finished the second beer and ordered a third. “I hope so.” “Camille won’t let things not be fine.”
Even though I knew he was right, it wasn’t fair to expect Camille to be able to hold our family together. Neither of us had been raised with a good
family life.
We were two broken souls just doing the best we could to hold ourselves together.
When I got home that night, my mind was fuzzy but I wasn’t drunk. At least, I didn’t think that I was. The ground seemed like it was staying in place, but I could have sworn that the trees were dancing.
I walked into the house and headed straight for the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water.
“Good to see you came home,” Camille said, a teasing smile on her face as she walked into the kitchen.
“Yeah,” I said.
Camille’s grin widened. “Have a little too much to drink?”
I looked down at the floor, only to see the woodgrain moving. “Maybe a little bit.”
“Alright,” she said as she rounded the island and took my hand. “Let’s get you to bed.”
I smiled down at her, abandoning my water to wrap my arms around her waist. My chin was on her shoulder as we stumbled to the bedroom. Camille wriggled her way out of my arms once we were at the edge of the bed and helped me out of my clothes.
When I lay down on the bed, she turned off the lights and got under the covers beside me. I looped my arm around Camille and pulled her closer to
my side.
“Your heart is racing,” she said as she put her head on my chest. “Are you okay?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” She traced patterns with her fingers over my skin, following the planes of my stomach.
I bit my bottom lip and tried to think of a way to avoid telling her what was bothering me. Though Tyson had said that I should talk to her, it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to put any stress on her.
She had more than enough.
“Drew, you know that you can tell me what’s wrong.”
“It’s not that simple, Camille.” I kissed her forehead. “It’s not worth getting into right now.”
“I asked you what’s wrong. Clearly, that means that I think talking about it is worth it.”
When I glanced at her, I knew there was no way she was going to drop it. There was a stubborn set to her jaw that she got whenever she was prepared to go to war over something.
“I’m going to be a shit father.” “You’re not.”
“I am,” I said, running my hand up and down the curve of her waist. “I don’t know how to be a father. I’ve never had one.”
“I don’t know how to be a mother.” Her fingers trailed up and down my stomach slowly.
My heart was speeding up as I thought about the future. There was no way that I could see myself being a good father. I knew that I wouldn’t be as
terrible as the ones that had raised me—though there was a part of me that doubted even that.
“What are we even doing having children when we’re this fucked up?”
Camille sighed. “I don’t know. I’m glad that we’re having them but I go to bed every single night worrying about them.”
“I think that’s just part of being a parent.” “Are you worried?”
“I have nightmares every single night.”
She propped herself up on her forearm. I could see her looking down at me as the moonlight glowed through the windows. Exhaustion rolled through me in waves. This was a conversation that I didn’t want to have right now.
“Drew, you didn’t tell me that you were having nightmares.”
“A lot of them.” I reached up to run my thumb over her cheekbone and catch the tear that fell. “Mainly ones about our children being taken away.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“I know you won’t let that happen.” I squeezed her hip lightly. “But I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Usually, my fears showed themselves in nightmares. Recently, even watching a movie or a show with a family in it was enough to send me spiraling.
I didn’t tell her that though.
She sighed and cupped my jaw. “We’ll get through this together. Parenting is just one giant learning curve.”
“We’re going to fuck it up.”
Camille shrugged and leaned down to brush her lips over mine in a soft kiss. “If you can find me one parent that’s never fucked it up, I would still call you a liar.”
I closed my eyes. “I don’t know, Camille. I still think that our children might be better off without me in their lives.”