Chapter 164 164
"I'll go ahead. Maybe Cad is just pranking me or something," Luca said and scratched the back of his head.
He looked at Havannah for a moment and smiled again. After that, he was about to turn his back and leave, but I don't know why my hand seemed to move on its own to hold his wrist.
Luca looked at me, he was obviously stunned by what I did.
"L-Luca... t-to tell you the truth..." I took a deep breath, my lips are literally quivering right now.
Should I just say it? Should I just tell him the truth? It will make him feel better. The burden that he has been carrying for years because of my secret will be gone... If I tell him, he won't live a miserable life anymore...
I'm not a good person... but my conscience can't handle him being like this. It's also heavy on my chest that I'm denying him his right to Vanna... After all, I loved him... He's not a bad person... and I know he'll be a good father.
"L-Luca... our c-child..."
"Mommy! Why are you touching him?!"
I was stunned when Vanna took my hand away from Luca. She pouted her lips and stomped her feet.
"Mommy, if Daddy sees that, he'll get jealous. Daddy is the only guy you should be holding hands with," Vanna said with a pout.
Luca just gave a faint smile while looking at Vanna. "I'm sorry about that, little kid. I won't take her away from your Daddy," he said in a soft voice.
Luca didn't say anything else after that and turned his back on us. I sighed because I lost the strength to chase after him or call him. I weakly held on to Vanna's shoulder. My daughter hugged me.
"Mommy, you're pale. Are you alright? Are you scared of that big Grandpa?" she asked and pointed at Luca, who was already far from us.
I hate myself because I was somewhat relieved that I didn't get to tell him about our child... I hate myself for feeling this way.
Right. Maybe I'm still scared. Maybe I'm still not ready for this... I still don't have the courage to tell him the truth. I'm still selfish... and heartless to him.
I TRIED TO DISTRACT myself by reading books. I think I did everything to fall asleep, but nothing happened. I still couldn't settle down. My chest is still heavy.
"Hello! Crescent! Are you still awake?!"
I stopped typing on my laptop when I heard that familiar voice. I'm on the veranda, so I can hear the voice from outside the gate. I immediately stood up and went there to open the gate for the person calling... I was so surprised when I saw Cad standing and leaning on his car while smoking. I immediately went to him.
"W-What are you doing here, Cadmus?"
Cad threw his cigarette on the floor, then stomped on it. "I just wanted to tell you something, Crescent."
"About what?" My forehead creased.
"Don't you remember what day it is today? September 20, the death anniversary of your and Luca's child," Cad said seriously while staring at my eyes.
I was stunned by what he said... Oh, right. September 20... the day I thought my child was no longer with me.
I swallowed and nervously looked at Cad. "I-I remember."
Cad nodded, then held the back of his neck. "Well, hmm... How should I explain this?" He licked his lower lip. "This is the day of the year when Luca is not in his right mind... For the past six years, every September 20th, he'll drink a lot, more than he usually does... He almost finishes all the liquor in my bar, then... he'll go home to his house and try to kill himself... he tried to hang himself, slash his wrists, or shoot himself..."
I gasped at what he said. My hands were shaking as I covered my mouth... It's as if all the blood drained from my body because of what he said.
"We always manage to save him every year when that happens, but he doesn't remember it the next day. Maybe it's also our fault that we don't tell him he does that every time he gets drunk... He only goes to one place when that happens, so we already know where to find him when this day comes... but now, I don't know where to look for him." Cad smiled bitterly and rubbed the back of his neck.
My breathing was heavy. My chest was tight because of the mixed feelings in my heart... Luca... He was suffering even more than I imagined.
"You see, Luca is suffering too. It's so painful to lose a child, Crescent. I know that feeling very well... especially for Luca, who thinks it's his fault what happened to you and your child, that he killed his own child. As his friend, it was so unbearable to see him like that. He begged me not to look for you before. Even though I really wanted to find you for Luca, I couldn't because he asked me not to. I respected his wish. I didn't look for you, I didn't find out where you were or the details about you... I'm not taking his side because he's my friend... but aren't you being too cruel, Crescent?"
I was stunned by what he said. My breathing was still heavy, and it's as if what he was saying wasn't processing for me.
"All this time... your child is alive." Cad rubbed his face and sighed. "I wish I looked for her sooner. I wish Luca's suffering didn't last for six years."
"I-I'm sorry... I-I was scared at that time. I almost lost my baby, and I don't want it to happen again. I don't want to--"
"You had all the chance to tell him after you gave birth, Crescent. You only cared about what you felt was important. You underestimated Luca's love for you and your child. You probably thought Luca would be okay and live a normal life, that it would pass... it's not like that, Crescent... You're living happily with your daughter, but Luca is living like he's in hell, atoning for what he did, without knowing that his child is alive... His child is even calling that idiot doctor who lied to you before her father. Damn it, it's so unfair for Luca..." Cad bit his lower lip. "I know you were hurt, Crescent... but Luca is also hurting. He's suffering until now... Isn't more than six years enough?"
My hands were shaking. I couldn't do anything but let the words Cad was saying slap me... Everything he said... all of it is true.
Cad sighed, then moved away from leaning on his car. I was stunned when he just got inside his car.
"C-Cad! Where are you going? What about Luca? W-Where is Luca?" I asked nervously.
"I will look for him... though it will be hard as I can't track his phone. But I'll do everything to stop him from what he's planning to do... As for you, do what you want." After Cad said that, he immediately drove the car fast.
Even though my system was still shocked by what Cad said, I didn't waste any time and went back inside to get my car keys. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to think of where Luca could have gone.
My hands were shaking as I drove the car fast to the unit where Luca was staying. I can't remember how I managed to get there safely despite my vision getting blurry from the tears that were about to fall.
All this time, I only thought about myself, I only thought about my suffering... I was living peacefully with our child while Luca is still suffering... I was unknowingly invalidating his feelings all this time.
"Please... p-please, open this door, please." I'm pressing the doorbell on his unit nonstop, but no one is opening it. My hands shook even more because of my nervousness. Is he here? Where is he?
I was stunned when I looked at the stairs from a distance. Even though the chance of him being there was small, I ran to it and went up. Even though my knees were about to give up, I forced myself to go up to the rooftop of the building... and I was right... he was there...
...and it looks like he's planning to jump.
"L-Luca! Luca! Don't!"
I immediately ran closer to him. This is probably the first time I ran this fast. Even though my knees are about to give up, I did everything to get closer to him.
Luca looked at me. My tears finally fell because with just one wrong move, he'll fall... I really want to pull him, but I'm scared that he might fall with just a little movement.
"L-Luca, g-get down from there... P-Please, come here, please..." I held out my hand to him.
My tears fell even more when I saw his face... He's crying. His lifeless eyes aren't lifeless after all. His eyes scream pain, regret, and guilt... I can almost see all of the negative emotions in his eyes... He's suffering... so much.