Chapter 45
“Just that he was in intensive care.”
“Oh.”Luke’s mind was a swirl of emotions.He remembered the last time he’d seen Roger,theanger on his face,the twitching of his muscles.He’d been ill;Luke knew he should have tried harder to get him to seek help.
“Luke?”Andy asked.
“Oh,sorry.”He realised Andy had been talking to him for the past couple of minutes,but he hadn’t heard a word.
Andy organised for him to leave work early,telling Tony that he’d just had news of a family emergency and might need to take a few days off.Luke,though numb,felt bad that he’d only just got the job and was needing time off.
“These things happen,”Tony said.“Just come back as soon as you can.”
“Thanks,”Luke said.
“I hope your brother feels better soon,”Tony said.
Luke opened his mouth to tell Tony that Roger wasn’t his brother,but closed it again without speaking.How could he explain that Roger was his ex-boyfriend,and his‘illness’was probably drug related?
Luke convinced Andy he was okay to drive,though later he couldn’t remember anything of the journey back to the farm.
He sat at the kitchen table,drinking an overly sweetened cup of tea,while Andy fussed around him.Roger had been correct in one thing he’d said that last time.They had been good together,once.When the number of scenes being offered to him had started to diminish,Roger had been there,encouraging him not to give in,telling him more work would come.
Luke stood.“I have to go to London and be there when he wakes up.”
“Huh?”Andy said,pausing his washing up of a large casserole dish.
“He doesn’t have anyone else.His family kicked him out when they found out that he was gay.As far as I know he doesn’t have any friends.”
“I see.”Luke didn’t think Andy did.But then he wasn’t sure he did,either.
****
The various machines to which Roger was connected bleeped,dinged,clicked and whooshed.Luke didn’t think it was possible,but Roger looked even thinner and paler than the last time he’dseen him.It was eerie,watching him just lie there.Normally when Roger slept,he was rarely still for more than a few minutes.But now he just remained unmoving for hour after hour.
Luke remembered seeing a TV programme once about how people in comas could often hear,and thattalking to them could help wake them up.It took him a long time to think of something suitable to say.Haranguing him for taking whatever he’d taken probably wouldn’t be wise.Eventually he decided to talk about Andy and his new life in Yorkshire.If nothing else,it made Luke feel better at least.And if Roger doesn’t like it,then he can wake up and tell me to shut up.This made Luke smile as he tried unsuccessfully to make himself more comfortable in the hard plasticseat.
****
Luke felt a touch to his shoulder,making him jump.He looked up to see Donnie’s concerned face.
“Any change?”
Luke shook his head.
“You need to come back home and rest,have a bath.”
“But what if he wakes up while I’m gone?”
Donnie gave him a sad smile.The doctors hadn’t given Luke much to cling to when he’d asked them about Roger’s chances.
“And besides,you need to give Andy a ring.He’s called a few times.”
Luke stood and stretched.“Okay.”
“Sam’s been cooking.He’s convinced you’ve not been eating since you came up here.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Well,you can tell him that.I’m not brave enough.”
Luke laughed.It felt good to do so after the past couple of days of uninterrupted gloom.
****
Andy didn’t do fretting.Nor did he allow things to nag at him for hours on end,distracting him from what he was doing,and so there was a perfectly logical explanation as to why he tried to castrate the latest batch of newborn female piglets.
Entering the living room,he wondered if he could get away with calling Sam and Donnie’s again.He’d already rung them three times that day and each time Luke wasn’t in.Or so Sam hadsaid.No,Andy told himself,that wasn’t fair.Luke would never do that to him.But he missed his boyfriend;more than he thought was healthy.At least it proves that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.
Hovering over the phone,thinking he might just try a fourth time,Andy was scared out of his wits when the thing started ringing.
“Hello?”He tried to steady his breathing.He knew he didn’t do well with sudden noises,butit’s just the phone for God’s sake,he told himself.
“You okay?”Luke asked.
I am now,Andy thought.“I’m fine.How are you?You sound tired.”
“Yeah,it’s been a long day.And there’s no change with Roger.”
Andy grunted.He wasn’t interested in Roger’s condition,but realised he probably should have asked about him for form’s sake.
“I miss you,”Andy murmured.
“Me,too.It’s so boring just sitting there.I think I must have read every magazine the hospital owns.”
Luke had been away for three days,and Roger’s condition hadn’t changed at all.Just fucking hurry up and die,will you?Out loud he said,“Let’s hope there’s some change soon.”
“Yeah.”
They stayed on the line,just listening to the other breathe.
“My appointment with the shrink went okay,”Andy said,more for something to say than anything.
“Shit.I’d forgotten that was today.Sorry.What did he say?”
“It’s all right.Christ knows you’ve got plenty going on.We talked,or rather I did.And you know how much I like talking.”
Luke chuckled.“Did he say anything?About dealing with how you felt?”
“Yeah.But this was just the first meeting.He thinks it might all be tied up with failure.”
“Huh?”
“The doc thought I’d got it into my thick skull that what happened with you and Craig was because I’d not satisfied you,that I’d failed you.”
“What?I don’t think you—”
“I know,I know.”
“And you aren’t thick,either.”
“Thanks.”Andy couldn’t help his smile.“It’s nothing you did or didn’t do.It’s just what my mind had conjured up for that brief second.You see,I still think I failed my men that day when we were travelling back from patrol.I didn’t see the ambush,the bomb,the—”
“But how could you have?Andy,no one blames you for what happened over there.”
Phil’s parents do,Andy thought.“I suppose.None of it’s logical.It’s just my crazy imagination.”
“Andy,please don’t.You’re not crazy.You’re big and strong and loving and…I don’t have crazy boyfriends.”
Roger was hardly the model of stability,he thought.
Luke continued,“Well,maybe I should have said I don’t do crazy boyfriends any more.Learnedmy lesson with Roger.”
Andy smiled.“Thanks.”They still had their weird mind-reading thing.
Luke yawned,then apologised.“I can’t sleep properly without you holding me,making me feel safe.”
“Yeah,me too.”Andy had spent each night tossing and turning,his mind churning with all kinds of scenarios,each more scary than the one previous.The worst was that Roger pulled through,but needed to be nursed,and Luke,out of some sense of guilt,agreed to do it.“I’d best let you go get some sleep.”
Luke yawned again.“Thanks.I’ll call you tomorrow,okay?
“Love you,”Andy said,already feeling lonely.
“Love you,too.Bye.”
Andy kept the receiver to his ear,but put it down when he heard a click followed by the dial tone.