Chapter 46

Sitting in his usual seat,holding Roger’s hand and looking round at all the machines doing their thing,Luke thought about how intelligent someone would have to be in order to operate all the hi-tech wizardry.He didn’t think he’d be able to cut it as a male nurse,even though the uniforms were kinda hot.

He’d long since exhausted the subject of Andy and how wonderful he was.It only served to highlight the stark differences between his strong,supportive boyfriend and the man lying in the bed in front of him.

“Why?You could have done so much more with your life.I know you were smart.But you mucked about at school,didn’t even sit half your GCSEs.You could have been anything you wanted.”Luke didn’t think it was a good idea to go any further down that path;so he started to talk about his childhood,how he’d realised he was gay and a bit about his first fumbling attempts to explore his newfound sexuality.“And no,in case you were wondering,I never shagged a sheep.I doubt they’d have stood still long enough.And have you ever seen a sheep’s arse close up?”Luke shuddered.

Tuesday night saw him on the phone with Andy as usual.And as usual,Andy offered to come up to London.

“It’s great you keep saying you’ll come,but you know you can’t really spare the time.It’s not fair on Tom and Paddy.Plus you’ve got your visits with the army medics.”Andy always referred to them as shrinks.“And you’d be bored.”

“I wouldn’t be bored with you.”

“Thanks,love.But honestly,there’s nothing you could do up here other than sit at Roger’s bedside.”

“I hate the thought of you being up there by yourself.”

“I’m not by myself.Sam and Donnie are here.”

“You know what I mean.”Andy sounded hurt.

“Sorry.I’m tired and still not sleeping well.”

“What if I came up for the weekend?I could just stay the one night,if you’d rather,and—”

Luke gave in.“Okay,love,you’ve twisted my arm.”

“I’ll be there about lunchtime on Saturday.”Luke smiled to himself as he detected the excitement in Andy’s voice.

“I’ll tell Sam you’re coming.It’ll give him a chance to try out some of his new pork recipes on you.”Andy had arranged for his butcher to send Sam a few prime cuts.Sam had gone on for hours about the quality of the meat.It had just tasted like normal pork to Luke.

****

Luke was woken later that night by his mobile phone ringing.

“Hello?”he fumbled in the dark for the bedside lamp.

“Mr Matthews?”

Luke knew who was calling,and why.He only half-heard what the female nurse was saying.“…Without regaining consciousness…multiple organ failure…peaceful—”

“I,er,what do I do now?”Luke asked the woman when she’d finished speaking.

“You can arrange for Mr Ryan’s body to be collected after midday—”

Collected?Luke thought.The idea gave him the shivers.Then he realised she meant collected bya funeral director.The full impact of what Roger’s death meant suddenly hit him.All the funeral arrangements would fall on his shoulders.He didn’t have a clue as to where to begin.He didn’t know the names of Roger’s parents to let them know.Assuming they’d even want to attend.

Luke had only ever been to one funeral,that of his grandfather on his mother’s side.He’d been about eight at the time.

“I’m sorry for your loss,”the woman was saying.

“Thank you.I’ll,uh,be in tomorrow.To collect Roger’s things.”

****

Sam and Donnie showed what true friends they were.Seeing that Luke was way out of his depth,they asked if they could help.Luke gratefully agreed.

Burial or cremation,oak or pine,flowers or donations?They helped him with it all.Luke felt helpless and numb.

“It’s all part of grieving,”Sam told him when he was asking Luke to make yet more choices.

Luke didn’t think grieving was the cause.He just felt nothing.It wasn’t as if he was still in love with Roger.He didn’t miss him now he was dead.

“Reverend Alsop rang earlier.Do you want the 23rd Psalm sung or spoken?I think spoken might be better.”

Luke didn’t feel especially angry with Roger for doing what he had.It seemed the small amountof cocaine they found next to his unconscious body was purer than street quality,and he’d merely taken too much.

“I think donations to a drug awareness charity would be better than asking for flowers,”Sam continued.

It disturbed Luke that he didn’t feel anything about Roger’s death.The most he could say he was experiencing was relief.It was all finally done with,over,finished.He could move on with his life.

“I wonder if we should have the Book of Common Prayer?Common Worship is a bit,”Sam pulled a face,“Modern.Though,as Roger wasn’t that religious,maybe a less traditional service might be better.”

Luke didn’t feel especially guilty at not feeling sad.Should he be feeling guilty?He didn’tknow.One thing that did disturb him was the realisation that it might be better,in light of developments,if Andy didn’t come for the weekend.He hoped his boyfriend would understand.

“We shouldn’t need anything fancy for the post-funeral tea;what do you think about ham…?”

“Sam,”Luke finally spoke up.“No one’s going to come.Roger didn’t have any friends.We don’t need to go to all this trouble.”

“It’s better to be prepared.Maybe just a couple of dozen ham and cheese.Oh,better do something for the vegetarians as well.”

Luke sighed.“Okay.”

****

“I am the resurrection and the life,says the Lord.Those who believe in me,even though they die,will live,and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die.”

The dimly lit,inadequately heated church was about half-full.Luke couldn’t understand why there were so many people.Then,as he continued to walk down the aisle behind the vicar and thecoffin,he began to get a clue.

All eyes were on him.“He’s still gorgeous;why did he retire?”one person asked his neighbour.

Donnie indicated that they should sit.Spaces had been left for them in the front pew.Distantly,Luke realised this was because he was the chief mourner.Sam and Donnie seated themselves to either side of him.Luke picked up his order of service,feeling as though he had no part of what was going on.

“Since we believe that Jesus died and rose again,”the vicar said from the altar,“even so,through Jesus,God will bring with him those who have died.So we will be with the Lord forever.”

Luke looked around the church,still unable to comprehend why so many people would show up.Oneman,a couple of pews back,raised a digital camera and took a picture of him.Luke was too stunned to react.

“Blessed are those who mourn,for they will be comforted,”the vicar continued,causing Luke to face front again.

The vicar droned on,Luke only half-aware of his words.The door at the back of the church squeaked open.Luke didn’t turn around to look.It was probably another of his so-called fans.Word must have got out that he would be making a public appearance,and the gossips did the rest.

Donnie began to shuffle away from him.Luke looked up from his order of service to see what was happening.“Andy!”he said,more loudly than he intended.

“I had to come,”Andy whispered,sitting in the newly created space and taking Luke’s hand.

“I’m sorry.”Luke gripped Andy’s hand.“Thank you for coming.”

“Had to,”Andy murmured.

“We have come here today to remember before God our brother,Roger;to give thanks for his life and to commend his body to be cremated—”

Ever since Roger’s death,Luke had found it difficult to talk with Andy on the phone.He knew his boyfriend didn’t like Roger,and his being there wouldn’t have felt right.He’d be a distraction.So he’d asked him to stay away.

“I just want to deal with everything here,”Luke had told Andy one night,just after Roger had died.“I need to put Roger in the past.Then I’ll be able to come home to you,because you’re my future.”

He’d known Andy didn’t understand.He wasn’t sure he did himself.

But having Andy there with him in the church,sitting by his side,Luke knew he’d been wrong tokeep him away.His emotions—held back ever since the news that Roger had been found unconscious—overflowed.

“You’re my future,”Luke tearfully whispered up at Andy.

“Hush now.Shush.It’ll be all right.”

Luke continued to cry.He tried to do it quietly,but there was too much pent up emotion to hold in.He turned to Andy and buried his face in his broad,strong shoulder and just let go.

“You’re my future,”he kept repeating.

Andy’s arm reached round and held him tight.“You’re my future,too.Come on,let it all go,love.”