Chapter 26

*Livie*

I pulled into the parking lot of Lyndsie Francis’s office a little before two in the afternoon. It was James and my first appointment together. Lyndsie suggested we meet as a couple a few times to help me communicate with James about everything I had been struggling with. He wanted to help, but there was so much that didn’t make sense, and I found myself obsessing and shutting him out. Over the weeks of sessions with my trauma counselor, I was slowly accepting that I wouldn’t be able to understand everything, and that would have to be okay. The anger over a nameless, faceless being that took my child, my security, and my memory had become all-consuming. For the first time since James found me at the lake that night so many months ago, I felt alone and hopeless.

James was right to suggest getting help and reminding me I am a warrior was the push I needed. I survived nearly two decades of emotional abuse from Nick. I will survive this too. In so many ways, I wish we could prove that Nick was behind the attack. Since the attempt to destroy James’s career was thwarted, he would need to find another way to make us suffer. The devastation of knowing your father has such malice towards you is impossible to comprehend. While I kept telling myself being able to put a face on the monster would be so freeing, I also knew confirming what I thought to be true would destroy me further.

Neither of my parents had reached out since the attack, which didn’t do anything to deter my belief that Nick was somehow involved. Nick’s lack of concern was not surprising, but mom’s silence hurt worse than I could have imagined. How could a mother have such indifference to their child? I knew she was upset we eloped, but this had to go much deeper than that. All of this added fuel to the growing inferno that was my anger. Anger at Nick. Anger at mom. Anger at the twisted fate that would give us a glimpse of joy only to snatch it away.

I walked into the office building, finding James waiting in the lobby. We rode the elevator up to the third floor, where Lyndsie’s office was located. The waiting room was warm and inviting, with various hues of blue, green, and cream. She had done a wonderful job of decorating the space to feel as if you were in someone’s living room, making it much easier to feel relaxed while here. James held my hand while we waited on the pale sage overstuffed couch for our appointment to begin. This was the most physical we had been since the attack. Any touch was almost too much, and while I wanted to find my way back to him, the road was long and winding.

He caught my eye and lifted my hand to his lips, just barely brushing my skin with a kiss. Desire pooled low in my belly until I closed my eyes and the smell of cheap cologne filled my nostrils, making my stomach turn sour. I yanked my hand back to my lap, biting back the bile that threatened to erupt from my mouth. Afraid to confront the hurt that was surely written all over his face, I kept my head down, staring at my hands knotted in my lap.

Intimacy, or lack thereof, would definitely be a sticking point during our appointment today. Neither James nor I entered physical relationships lightly, and ours had been intense since the first time he kissed me. Since our wedding night, we rarely spent a night together without making love. Since the attack, memories my mind couldn’t fully grasp have marred each moment, and while he wasn’t pushing the issue, I knew he had to be frustrated. I certainly was.

*James*

The counseling session took a negative turn quickly. Every time she pulled away from my touch hurt me, and that added to her fury. I had no idea how we had gotten to this point, and the words she spoke stung, but I couldn’t explain just how well I understood. “You’ve never been violated like this. You have no idea. I’m so angry!” She was struggling to control her breathing and maintain her composure. “Anger doesn’t even begin to explain it.” The restraint in her voice was wavering. “Rage isn’t even strong enough. I want to burn the world down until I find him!” Every time she opened her mouth, my heart cracked a little further. I wanted to apologize, but that always seemed to make it worse.

“You pour the gasoline. I’ll light the match.” I held my breath, waiting for her response. When she remained silent, likely shocked by my commitment to arson, I continued. “We are a team. Til death. Baked right in, right?” My lips turned upwards ever so slightly as I spoke her words back to her. She rewarded me with a smile of her own. “There she is.” I whispered softly, then squeezed her hand and continued. “Baby, I love you. The last few months have been a whirlwind, and it’s no wonder we don’t both have whiplash, but I’m in this.” Tears slipped from her eyes down her cheeks, and I reached out to wipe them away with my thumb. For the first time in a long time, she didn’t pull back. We still had a long way to go, but that day I could see the walls coming down around Livie’s heart.

As we left the counselor’s office, I was still involved in an intense internal battle. I knew if I told her the truth, she would know I did really understand what she was going through, but I couldn’t tell her parts without telling her everything. Once she knew the whole story, she’d hate me. I was a selfish coward. Too afraid to bare the deepest, darkest parts of my soul. Too selfish to risk losing her forever. Travis had encouraged me repeatedly to come clean, but once the charges that Nick tried to throw at me didn’t stick, the need to tell her wasn’t as urgent anymore.

The next day, we spent the day around the house. It was the first weekend we had both been off work in a few weeks and it was nice to slow down and spend one-on-one time together. Since our appointment with the counselor, Livie seemed lighter, and I felt hopeful again. Liv was curled up next to me on the couch, deeply invested in a novel, and I was reading an article on the latest medical research when we heard a knock on the door. I glanced at Liv, asking, “were you expecting someone?” She shook her head, her expression mirroring my confusion.

I walked to the front door, looking out the peephole, not seeing anyone on the porch. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as fear slithered up my spine. Grabbing my phone, I pulled up the security app that linked to the cameras placed around the exterior of the house. The area was empty, so I slowly opened the door, finding a brown envelope sitting on the doormat just outside. I stooped over and snatched it up before closing and locking the door behind me.

Liv had abandoned her place on the couch and was standing behind me when I turned back from the door. “What’s that?” Her voice betrayed her calm demeanor.

“I have no idea. No one was on the cameras. I’ll call Trav and get him to pull the recording and see if we can find out who left it there.” Time seemed to stand still as we stood in the foyer, staring at the package in my hands. I took a deep breath and walked to the living room, lowering myself onto the soft leather. Liv sat next to me as we both eyed the package. The feel of it led me to believe there were papers of some sort. Taking another deep breath, I tore open the seal and dumped the contents onto the coffee table in front of me.

“What is that?” Liv’s voice was barely audible above the blood rushing through my ears.

“A police report.” She grabbed the pile and started thumbing through the different documents.

“This is an autopsy report.” Confusion settled over my wife as dread smothered me. “Who would send us a police report and an autopsy report?”

Her question was meant to be rhetorical, but in my bones, I knew who it was. Trav suspected there might be more to the story, but I didn’t think it could be possible. I also knew there would be no security footage to find. It would be too important to leave no trace.

She kept rifling through the papers until she got to the last page. Her hands began to tremble, and the color drained from her face. The panic I felt earlier was replaced by something new.

“Fuck.”