Chapter 25

*Livie*

I couldn’t remember much of anything from the attack, and with each passing day, I grew more angry at my failed memory. The doctors thought it might be a combination of trauma and the blows I sustained to my head. My brain and body had both failed me. The blood tests done at the hospital showed elevated hormone levels, which made the doctor believe I was pregnant. The ultrasound tech couldn’t find a heartbeat, though. They told us it was possible the pregnancy wasn’t viable regardless of the attack, but there would be no way to know for sure. James and I spent most of the next week at home, together, struggling through the grief and panic of another possible attack.

Since I couldn’t remember anything about who attacked me, the police had nowhere to start looking, and without an arrest, we were certain another attack would be forthcoming. Neither of us believed this was random. Carter was ruled out as a suspect, and eventually Nick was as well. I was grateful Carter had pleaded guilty to the assault, and we agreed to him receiving community service and a minimum of twelve months of court mandated therapy. He clearly had some significant issues to work through, and I prayed that it was the right decision. If he attacked someone else, I may never be able to forgive myself.

Nancy and Nick were out of town the day I was attacked, but it took some time to verify his alibi and ensure he hadn’t slipped away. This didn’t exclude the possibility that he hired someone, though. Not knowing who would have so much hatred towards me instilled a constant panic that lived just below the surface of everything in my world. I insisted James and I start getting things back to normal, though. We needed to move on with caution and continue living our lives.

Working with Noah and Chris by my side every day helped James feel confident I was protected, and we installed additional security systems around the house with the guidance of Detective Shepherd. He had actually become a great ally, though James was still wary around him.

I had been back to work a couple of weeks when Chris and Noah announced they needed to fly out to Mormont and start the staffing process for the new location. Chris was only going for the initial interviews and then would be back, not wanting to leave Sam alone with an infant for too long at a time. Sam had lots of help between Beth, Mrs. Wilson and her own mom, but he was insistent on being a hands-on father. The Wilson brothers had a great role model in Mr. Wilson, and I was sure each of them would be great parents one day.

Noah planned on staying in Mormont for several weeks at a time after they finished hiring staff. He wanted to work closely with the new office manager they had brought on board while this location was getting up and running. Jessie had to stay behind for work, so Noah would be flying in and out. “You two will keep her entertained, right?” Noah asked Beth and me one evening when we were all gathered at the Wilson family home for dinner.

“Of course! We’re sisters! She won’t even notice you’re gone!” Beth teased her brother mercilessly.

“We will be sure to check in with her and make sure she’s doing ok.” They had another miscarriage shortly before the attack, so things were particularly fragile, and I had a better idea of exactly what she had been going through. I looked over at my new sister-in-law, holding her niece, and the pain in her face just broke my heart.

I absentmindedly rubbed the spot where the life was once growing in me and blinked back the tears. “Hey are you, ok?” My best friend had two sisters to be concerned about. The words were caught in my throat, so I simply nodded as she reached out and pulled me into an embrace. “You’ll be a mom, too, one day. I just know it.” I didn’t have it in me to tell her I was already a mom, just without a baby.

*James*

It was hard to concentrate on my brother’s words. He and Trav had been bantering back and forth about the new expansion, and the challenges of hiring decent staff. Their voices were muffled though, as all my focus was on my wife and the look of longing she had on her face watching my baby niece playing with my sister-in-law. It wasn’t like we had been trying to get pregnant, but to have it dangled in front of us only to be ripped away was cruel. I had no idea how my brother had been handling this, since he and Jessie had been through this for several years now.

On top of this, I missed my wife. We shared a life, a home and a bed, but since the attack, she had been withdrawn. Before we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and now, there is a mountain ridge growing between us. She still hadn’t told me all the details of the attack, some of which she couldn’t remember, but any touch from me was met with recoil, so I could only assume the bastard had violated her in ways I didn’t want to imagine.

While physically it has been challenging to go from having sex almost daily, to not being touched in weeks, more than anything, I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and make her believe I’d keep her safe. I knew I had failed her that day, but I didn’t know how to get us back to where we had been before. Worse, I didn’t know if that was even possible. We weren’t the same people, but could we find a way through this?

The knowledge that whoever did this was still walking around in the world, waiting for another opportunity to strike, didn’t help. “Did the police ever get any results from the crime scene unit?” Detective Shepherd had sent a crew to scour every inch of the house while Liv was still in the hospital.

“No, man. I’m so sorry. Whoever did it knew to cover his tracks.” Trav’s voice echoed my own disappointment. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but things don’t look promising.” I nodded my head at him, resigned to living in a state of limbo for now. The rest of the evening, I tried to push the attack from my thoughts and focus on spending time with my family. We had been through so much over the years and I needed to focus on enjoying every moment we had together.

Later that night at home in bed, I sat up, watching the love of my life sleep. It seemed the only time she looked peaceful was when she slept, but tonight her eyes moved frantically behind their lids, telling me she was having a nightmare. I gently ran my hand up and down her arm, hoping the touch would ground her, releasing the grip of the nightmare, but again, my touch only made it worse. She began to whimper, muttering unintelligible words. My heart continued to break as my once exuberant wife fought an internal war.

*Livie*

I sat at the breakfast table, picking at the eggs James had made for me. The nightmares started right after the attack, and with each passing day, left me more on edge. “I think maybe you should see someone.” He spoke the words in a rush, as if he had been holding on to them for a while. I made no effort to meet his eyes, but kept my head down and gaze securely fixed on the meal in front of me.

“Livie, you’re not doing ok. And that’s ok. You’ve been through so much. The attack, the baby.” His voice cracked, emotion bleeding into the air with his words. “I feel so lost, and I look at you and you’re lost, too.” James settled into the chair next to mine, reaching out to hold my hand before hesitating and dropping his hands on the table.

I knew he was right, but I was terrified of what would come to the surface once I started digging. The nightmares grew more intense each day, and it felt as if something else was just behind the images that flooded my mind each night, desperate to break through. Whatever was hovering out of view left me panic-stricken, and I didn’t know if revealing the unknown would be better than this.

“You are a warrior, Olivia Wilson. Don’t forget that. You aren’t battling alone, either.” He stood, placed a soft kiss on my temple, and walked out of the kitchen. I mulled over his words, setting my plate in the sink, unable to choke down another bite. Deciding to get a shower, I walked into the bathroom, but rather than turning on the water, I stared at my reflection in the mirror. The woman James married was a warrior. I needed to find out if that woman was still in me.