Chapter 191 Second Thoughts
"Please don't throw me away," the words repeat in my head over and over again. Like I could actually do that. I couldn't throw him away even if I wanted to. And I don't.
I feel this... pull. Not only attraction, but I feel safe around him. He makes me feel things I never thought I could feel before. For the first time in my life, I feel like I matter to someone outside my sisters.
I try to blink my tears away, but it's just not working. Everything just blurs right now. I'm pretty sure I'm going to crash my car if I don't get a grip on my emotions right now. My hands are shaking on the steering wheel. I feel panicky. I'm hurting in ways I didn't expect to.
I can't tell if I'm more upset that Melissa went after Trent and made me question his intentions, or myself for pushing him away. I really should've just stayed with him. But honestly, I don't know if I can trust myself. What if I'm reading everything wrong?
This was always where Josie worked best. She can read my emotions before I knew what was going on. I wish I had her here with me. She could tell me what I can't see.
"I expect you to come back to me," he stated.
Does he really want me back so badly? My whole life I've been made to feel worthless, it's hard for me to imagine someone like Trent even wanting to talk to me, let alone come back to him.
I think about our conversation, such as it was. If he was telling the truth, it means I was indeed jumping to conclusions, and now I feel so guilty. I pushed him away because I thought he was just using me... Like Uncle Jay. I really don't think I could handle it if he was like him in any way.
I remember the broken look on Trent's face. He was upset with me that I wasn't taking into account his feelings. I didn't mean to do that. But I guess he was right. I treated him like he was already guilty of hurting me, when I didn't give him the time to explain things.
Honestly, I'm surprised he let me go... Not easily, but he did let me go. Maybe he could tell what a mess I am.
"That has to mean something, right? He's giving you the space to breathe. He's not demanding you listen to him. He didn't try to control me... He just... stepped back," I reason with myself.
Why the hell do I always talk to myself when I'm nervous? Sooner or later, I'm going to be answering myself!
I told him I just needed time, and maybe that's the truth. Maybe I just need to clear my head. Will he forgive for pushing him away from me? For leaving him there looking absolutely miserable?
Or will he just give up? Am I just too much maintenance for a guy like him? And what exactly am I to him anyway? I barely know him! Sure, we went to school, but he was with the popular crowd, and I was... Just me.
He was treating me so sweet earlier, and then I pushed him away. I told him I thought Melissa was right. I didn't want my heart to get broken if all he was just going to be a friend. It just doesn't seem like it would be worth it...
Maybe I was wrong.
I hate thinking with my emotions. I try so damn hard to keep them locked up, but the hurt that shocked my body couldn't be contained the second I saw Melissa all over him. I saw her kissing him, and it wasn't just jealousy that spiked. It was something deeper... Almost like betrayal.
I didn't stick around for him to tell me she was just throwing herself at him. Actually, I can totally see her doing that. She's a bitch and loves drama and attention. I wonder if she did it just to make me feel insufficient.
Well, it worked. It also splintered my heart into a million pieces. Pain sharper than I'd felt since I learned my parents died, crushed me. I couldn't even breathe. I panicked.
"I should've stayed!" I mumble, trying to focus on the road. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. My brain needs more oxygen or I'll never think straight.