Chapter 120 Giving Up
A while ago, James came in with a sandwich. It's still sitting right where he placed it. It was tuna salad. Not that there was anything wrong with tuna. I'd eat dog food if I had to at this point. But I just couldn't bring myself to eat it.
"C'mon baby, you need to eat. You have to keep up your energy for later!" He insisted, but I didn't even bother opening my mouth. Who knows if he poisoned it? "See? I made this for you! I love you, dammit! I don't want you to die on me. You are supposed to be mine!" He rambled, even though, I wasn't paying attention.
The bastard already knocked me out once, I'm not going to let him do it again. He didn't touch my sandwich, he had his own, along with something to drink. I think it was beer. Smelled like it. It made my stomach sick.
I miss Rick. "I love you, little dancer," he mumbled along my skin as he kissed me. "You are so beautiful. We are going to have our own little family... No one will ever take you away from me again..."
I miss his warmth and care. I can practically feel his spicy-musky scent surrounding my frozen body. If I die, I want to smell like him. Not James.
I miss his arms. His lips. His...
I remember just this morning he was inside me, filling me to the brim. He was so warm. He was life. He was love. He was my everything. He was my forever. And I left him...
I blink.
Huh... I guess my eyelids are still capable of movement. I guess that's good to know. Kinda useless, but I can still blink...
I don't know if he will ever find me. And that would be my fault. I left him without even giving him a chance to change my mind. I left like a coward, telling him to take care of my sisters. What kind of woman does that make me? Why the hell couldn't I stand up for once in my fucking life and say "HEY BITCH! HE'S MINE!"?
Maybe it's because I've been under Beth's iron fist for so long, I've learned to keep my mouth shut. It was my decision to leave without letting him explain a damn thing.
And see how well my decisions have worked out lately?
First off, I ignore all the red flags about James. (To be honest, I didn't expect him to be a fucking psychopath, or I would never have dated him in the first place!) And even after I caught him cheating on me, I decided to give him a second chance! What the hell was I thinking?
I don't regret giving Rick a chance. Richard Kingston actually deserved a chance to redeem himself. And I could tell, even with James in there trying to steal me away from him, he had changed from the young man I thought I knew. Even for the very short time we were together, I was the happiest I'd been in my life. But the moment I saw the skank, I just fucking ran.
I wonder if I'll live long enough to tell him I'm sorry. I wonder if he is missing me as much as I am missing him. I wonder if he is just giving up.
I'm giving up. I have nothing left to live for. My sisters will be safe with Rick. And as much as I love him, he's not here right now. I don't know if he will ever find me. And if he does find me? Will he still want me after James has used me over and over again? What if he thinks I'm just not worth it anymore?
So, what is the point? I'm fucking tired of being used as a sex toy. All I've done for the last few hours is have my legs spread (without my consent) while James the world wonder screws my brains out, like the piece of shit he is. I wonder if he's on the little blue pill...
"Hey, baby. Ready for another round?" He smirks down at me. I don't know what he's expecting me to say. I don't think he's so fucking stupid to think that I would actually enjoy any of this.
When I think of sex, it will always be the way Rick took me. Careful, full of passion and love. He wouldn't stop telling me how much he loves me. Even as he was pounding inside me, he always told me he loves me.
But I refuse to look at him. I know he's there. I can practically feel him, like a venomous snake ready to pounce again and again until I finally give up on life.