Chapter 73 Goodbye Kiss
The age of 18 was a fragile age.
To me, Arden wasn't just my mentor, a popular dude, or the most brilliant boy of our circle, he was my first love. I have been crazy for him since I was fifteen.
And as I knew, so did my feelings.
His smile, his voice, his breaths, his composure. There was nothing about him which I could criticize. I used to daydream about him all the damn time.
There was something so mesmerizing about him, that among the whole crowd. Arden was all I saw.
Once again, we were in the library, I wasn't looking at my notes. I was looking when he was focused as if my studies mattered to him more than it did to me.
“You have to solve this like this. Are you following?”
He looked up, raising his brows to check if I got it or not.
My heart was thumping, the closeness was controlling me. Losing my senses, I quickly looked down at the equations, my face heating up with shyness.
“I... yeah. I am following. You just make it look so easy,” I whispered, unable to suppress my smile.
“The way you explain things... You're so smart, Arden. I don't think anyone else could explain things better than you.”
“It's just logic,”
He shrugged casually, a proud smirk coming to his lips though his eyes were already drifting back to the textbook.
“It’s more than that,” I pushed with an admiration I couldn't quite hide. He saw but never paid heed to it.
“You have this way of seeing the world. I wish I could see things the way you do.”
I was practically offering my soul to him, my words laced with desperate sweetness.
I was dying for him to notice me, to adore me as much as I do.
I wanted him to look at me and see the girl who was drowning in his presence.
Instead, he just chuckled, reaching over to ruffle my hair with the casual affection one might give a younger sister.
That was not how I wanted him to treat me.
“Oh you, Alyssa, you’re such a dreamer. You admire me too much. ”
I leaned into the touch of his hand, even though it was gone in a second, even before I could immerse in it.
To him, the touch was nothing, a fleeting gesture of encouragement. To me, it was a mesmerizing gesture.
“Thank you, you look after me so much.”
“Why not? Your father trusted me with you.”
He grinned and I did not like how it sounded. I wanted him to do this for me wholeheartedly
“Arden?”
“Hmm?”
“I'm really glad it's you,” I smiled sincerely, “Thank you… Truly.”
“Don't worry,” he chuckled melodically, finally offering a brief smile.
“We’ve got this topic to cover. I’m not going anywhere until you’ve got this down. This should be enough.”
He went back to his work, oblivious to the fact that I was memorizing the shape of his hands, the scent of his cologne, and the crushing weight of a love he didn't even know existed.
I knew I wouldn't be able to survive if I didn't confess.
These feelings could gobble me, I couldn’t carry the silence anymore.
I found him later with his best friend Vince, he looked quite perturbed, they were probably having an argument.
“Vince, I told you, I am trying. What else can I do?” Arden whispered worriedly.
“Then you should have thought about it before, asshole.”
I came, clearing my throat, “Ahem.”
“Oh, hey, Alyssa.” Arden forced a smile, waving his hand to me.
“Arden… I.. I want to talk to you alone.”
“Sure. What is it? Is everything alright?”
“Of course, waste your time tutoring brats.” Vince muttered and walked away, leaving us alone. I flinched to hear that.
“I think Vince hates me.” I mumbled.
“He is sour to everyone. Don’t mind him.” Arden chuckled nervously, “You tell me, what brings you here?”
“Arden, I-I want to confess something.”
“What is it?”
With my cheeks burning, I looked down, not thinking of the consequences, I decided to burst my feelings.
“I.. I like you, Arden. I really, really like you.”
I confessed my uncontrollable feelings, mentally prepared to hear his reply, well aware this was nothing but a stupid idea.
My palms were sweating, my heartbeats were increasing. His stare on me was piercing, especially the way it softened with pity.
“Alyssa, listen…” He took a deep breath, upholding his posture, calm and devastating composure. Not a single shift.
“You’re so young, you have a life ahead of you. I-I.. uh… I am flattered, truly... but I don’t feel that way. You’ll find someone who does.”
He had been so... kind. That was the worst part.
It should have ended there.
I should have treasured my leftover dignity but, ah, 18, I wasn’t… the best.
When the rumor first reached me that he was leaving for years, my world collapsed. I couldn’t accept this reality.
The day of his departure, the airport was a chaotic blur of rushing strangers and among them Arden will mix and leave forever.
I couldn’t think. My heart refused to accept his departure. I knew I would scatter in an irrecoverable way if I let him leave without a proper goodbye.
“Arden! Wait!”
He turned, surprise flickering in his eyes, followed quickly by a shadow of pity.
“Alyssa? What are you doing here?”
“Don't go,” I begged, the words coming out, messy and loud.
People were staring, but I didn't care. I was a girl drowning, reaching for a hand that wasn't being offered.
“Please. Just... stay. Or take me with you. I’ll do anything.” I sobbed wretchedly, tears spilling endlessly.
“I can't do that,” he said gently, his hand extending to hold my shoulder to comfort me, “Go home, Alyssa. Please.”
“Don’t… please…” I grabbed his coat, my fingers trembling.
“Just once,” I whispered, the most pathetic sentence I had ever uttered.
“Kiss me. Just once. So I have something to remember. Please, Arden. Just one kiss. Please, please, I beg of you. Kiss me.”
I was begging him so badly, sobbing agonisingly, refusing to let him go or move until he completed my hopeless request.
His eyes widened, the disapproval was transparent in his eyes which was quickly followed by… pity.
He didn't want to kiss me, it was written over his face.
He didn't crave me, not even once. He just wanted the crying girl in front of him to stop breaking apart in public.
He leaned down.
It wasn't the dreamy, soul-consuming kiss I had dreamed of for years.
It was dry, a brief peck of lips. It was a charity.
At that time, to me, it was heaven. My first kiss, even if it was cold and a vacuous request but it meant the world to me.
At that time, I cherished the sensation of his lips against mine as no less than a divine blessing.
"Goodbye, Alyssa," he forced a smile, pulling away with a look of guilt and anguish.
He turned and walked toward the gates, and left with no idea when he would return.