Chapter 165 My Heart Holds Memories

Chapter 165 My Heart Holds Memories
Rain

It’s so bizarre to walk through the front door of this house, my house, and not remember it. I see all of the pictures all over the walls that speak of a life with this man beside other members of my family and me, not to mention my children, and I have no recognition of any of it. 

I saw the picture of my dad standing next to me while I held my daughter. I was in a hospital bed, and you could tell I had just given birth, but I remember none of it. He was smiling, and he looks so much like me, or I guess I look like him. There is no denying the family ties we share. 

Then to see the wedding photos of us together, and not remember a bit of what was supposed to be one of the biggest events in my whole life. From what I have seen, it appears that it was beautiful, but we haven’t talked about too much around that yet. I have rather shied away from talking about the details of our wedding day. I take a deep breath and just try to prepare myself for the next big hurdle. 

Just down this hall is the door to the nursery. That is where the nanny is with our two children. Two children who I don’t honestly remember at all. I hope when I see them that I will feel something for them. I have seen pictures of them so I know what they look like. I’m hoping that seeing them alive and moving in front of me will help me feel connected to them in some way. 

I can’t help the nerves that rush through my body as we get to the door of the room in question. Sade doesn’t knock; he just opens the door. I see an older woman, probably in her early fifties, on the floor with a wiggly body in her lap. There is a little boy on the floor playing with some big cars that he is scooting around. 

They all look up at us as we come in the door. The kids smile, the little boy yelling dada, and rushing to Sade. Then when Sade picks him up, he turns to me. The biggest smile breaks out across his face, and he yells, almost crying, “mama”. With that, he flings himself towards me, and I have to catch him in my arms. He buries his head against my neck, and he is crying. 

I have no idea what to do except to rub his little back and try to soothe him. He seems like he really missed me, and with his upset, I find tears filling my eyes automatically. I may not have physical memories of this little boy, but feeling him against me and in my arms pulls at something in my chest. My heart expands and squeezes at hearing his distress, and I just want to make him feel better and comfort him. 

He pulls back and smiles again, then he leans forward and kisses my cheek. I am having trouble keeping the tears at bay now, as he snuggles in against me again. Wow, this is very dramatic; I didn’t expect him to react like this. I suppose being without your mom for a whole week when you are almost two is a big deal. 

The little girl is crawling across the floor, and Sade went to scoop her up. She is crying and upset, and he is trying to hold onto her as she is flinging herself towards me. The nanny is wiping tears as the kids are going nuts. I’m not sure I can hold her and him at the same time. So I do the only thing I can think of. I sit down on the ground, and Sade comes and deposits her in my lap. She is now crying, but at least Connor has stopped. He's not letting me go, but he is no longer sobbing; now just she is. I am trying to comfort her and pull her up against me, and she is basically trying to climb me. 

Sade brings over a couple of large pillows to help prop me up as I support both of these kids. I am finally managing to soothe them some. Then Saoirse rather surprises me when she seems to be trying to nurse, and gets her mouth on my breast, ending up with a large baby slobber wet spot on my t-shirt.

I look up at Sade, “Ah, have I been nursing her?” 

He seems a bit surprised, “Well, you hadn’t for the last few months, but it was always something you did to soothe her, so she must be associating when you used to breastfeed her and you comforting her. That’s probably what that is. I’ll go get her a bottle so you can feed her, and it will probably help. I’m not sure how you would feel about trying to nurse her. Your milk has been a bit touch-and-go as you haven’t been nursing, but it didn’t stop completely.” I nod, although I didn’t know that. 

Sade squats down beside me, “I know this is weird for you, but they remember you. They still have a connection to you. So, for her, this is the most natural thing in the world. It was a big thing for you with both of the kids that you were very dedicated to. So, it’s a connection to you that she remembers. I know this is uncomfortable for you. You don’t have to do anything, Rain. I can get her a bottle; she’s had a bottle for a while, it will be okay. Please don’t stress.”

I take a deep breath and nod, deciding that is just more than I can process right this second. I’ll think about what I want to do about all of that. This is just huge and feels so foreign. I can feel this emotional connection to both of them as I snuggle and soothe both of them. They cling to me, obviously have missed me a whole lot. 

Now, I just need to process this and try to wrap my head around what my heart is telling me. I love these children; my heart bloomed when I held them. I don’t have any memories in my head, but it seems my heart still does. I will have to work with that.