Chapter 98 Depression
"She hasn't showered in two days."
I hear the conversation above me, but it's as if it's not registering in my mind.
"Kevin feels like shit, because now they made the Superbowl finals for the first time, and he can't be here." It sounds like Mom wants to cry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry for ruining everyone's lives.
"Fuck this shit."
The very comfortable comforter that was over my body gets ripped off me, and my aunt rolls me over on my back.
"Grab her feet, we will carry her to the bathroom."
I'm being lifted from the bed, one of them has my feet and the other is carrying me by my wrists.
"Open the shower."
Again, I hear them, but nothing is registering, until cold water blasts on me, and it feels like I'm breathing for the first time when I suck in air.
"The water is cold!" Mom says.
"You've allowed her to wallow for too long." Aunty's voice sounds relentless. "You're too fucking soft."
They're still arguing while I slowly stand up and get under the water out of my own free will. I'm shivering under the freezing water, but damn, it's making me feel alive. Like I'm a person, a failure still, but it reminds me I'm still breathing.
"Baby girl, are you okay?" I turn around and look at Mom standing outside the shower with a towel in her hand.
I'm not okay. I haven't been okay since that bogus engagement. I was essentially raped, and the shame I'm feeling for not knowing better is eating me up from the inside.
Everything about Ben was a lie. I was fucking hustled, and now someone I deeply care about went through the same thing because of me.
I have terrible judgement of character.
Everything about Miguel is probably a lie too.
He said he loved me. But how could he? He doesn't even know me.
He said he's loved me since school, but it's not me he loves. It's the beautiful, innocent girl he saw my first day of freshman year.
I'm not innocent. I'm dirty, spoilt, tainted by the very person who said he wanted me to be his wife.
I don't deserve love.
I ruined other people's lives.
Gregory's and Simon's.
How would they ever even forgive me for what I've done?
I strip my clothes in the shower, and get out, taking the towel from my mother. Both her and my aunt are quiet, looking like they're waiting for me to explode at any second.
"You have to eat something." Mom follows me when I walk back into my bedroom. "I made some chicken noodle soup."
She used to make chicken noodle soup when I was a kid and got sick. The pasta was like little flower shapes. I loved it. Sometimes I actually wanted to be sick, just so that she can make it for me.
Am I sick now?
My heart sure is hurting with guilt and fucking longing for a man who is probably bamboozling me.
"Sure." I shrug, still shivering from the cold.
I hate that I have to be here. If I was on my own, I could've stayed in bed and withered away without anyone telling me they made chicken noodle soup.
There wouldn't be anyone who cared, and I would've preferred it that way.
Mom leaves, but Aunty stays. I love my aunt, but she has a way of getting the truth out of a person. A truth I'm not quite ready to share with anyone. If ever.
She doesn't say anything though, much to my surprise. She walks over to my walk-in closet and returns with warm sweater and sweatpants. Probably because I'm just standing there, allowing the cold to sleep even further into my bones.
"Simon has been discharged." I knew she had something to say. " And he's been calling you non-stop. Imagine getting out of the hospital looking for your friend, and she doesn't even have the decency to pick up the phone."
It's my fault he was there in the first place. He was there just because he was my friend. I'm the last person he needs to see.
"You have a job, Madison." Aunty stops in front of me, her identical emerald eyes to mine strict, but the worry bleeding through. "A job you worked almost your whole life for. Don't throw that away."
What fucking job? I wanted to dance for Gregory, and now he's leaving and starting his own company. Where is he even going to get the money to get started?
Again, all because of me.
"Right now, you're letting Ben fucking win!" Aunty seems mad now. I don't know if it's directed at me, or Ben. "Don't do that to yourself! You have the whole world at your feet. He's just a little dark spot that is going to get erased sooner rather than later."
We don't know that. He's been ruining people's lives for longer than what we are aware of. Can he even be stopped?
If his goal was to destroy me, he's succeeding.
Maybe I'm the one who will end up in the bathtub, bleeding to death this time around.
It sounds better than this guilt growing bigger and bigger in my chest.