Chapter 46 Advice
Guilt.
Everywhere I fucking turn I always feel guilty.
Guilty because I'm rich while my colleagues sometimes struggle to make ends' meet in an extremely expensive city.
Guilty because I'm my parents' only child and I don't spend nearly enough time with them.
Guilty because I fucked Miguel.
Guilty, because I might not love Ben the same way he loves me.
He's been sending me flowers every day. Every day a little note of how much he loves me and how he can't wait to start our lives together.
I feel like I'm drowning.
"Let's do dinner." Simon throws his arm over my shoulders as we walk out of the studio. "This one's on me, but no fancy schmancy place like that restaurant you took me to last time."
I roll my eyes but can't help but smile. "You asked me to take you there if my memory serves me correct."
"It wasn't as great as I thought it would be." He sticks his tongue out at me.
My phone buzzes in my hand, along with fucking dread in my stomach at the thought that it might be Ben.
Instead it's my aunt.
"Hi, what's up aunty?" I ask with a smile.
"Hey, I was wondering if you'd come by. Have dinner with me, please?" She groans on the other side. "Your uncle is on a business trip and I'm all alone, keep me company pretty please?"
"Sure, I'm quickly getting a shower then I'll come by."
"Perfect! See you later!"
"Are you ditching me!" Simon gapes at me incredulously.
"I'm sorry, it's my aunt." I hug him around the middle. "Raincheck?"
He wags his finger at me when we stop at my car. "You owe me, miss Smith."
Ben calls while I'm driving. He probably wants to do dinner, possibly have sex, but I can't stomach even the thought right now.
I shoot him a quick voice message. "Hey, I'm off to my aunt's house. I'll call you later."
What am I going to do about Ben? This is not normal.
My aunt's penthouse is a fortress to get into. It's no secret in my family that my uncle used to be the head of a mafia organisation, and apparently their lives were always in danger, hence all the security.
My fingerprint can take me up the elevator, but I have to ring the bell and wait for her to open.
"Baby girl!" She smiles widely when she opens the door.
It's uncanny how much she and my mother look alike, and how much I look like them.
"You summoned." I chuckle as I hug her.
"Well, I haven't seen you since the engagement, so I had to do something." She winks.
Again, fucking guilt consumes me. She's like my second mother. She and my mom practically raised all their kids together, they're that close.
"I'm sorry, I've been very busy with learning new choreography, and I'm focusing on strengthening my ankle so I don't have a repeat of what happened." I follow her to the kitchen.
"No sweat. I always tell your mom the kids are grown up, they have their own lives and she shouldn't be so intrusive."
Did I say how grateful I am for this woman? Where my mom is soft, she is fucking hard and painfully honest.
"Dinner is ready." She hands me a plate and I load up on roasted chicken, asparagus and baby potatoes. "I just want you to understand that it's hard for parents when their kids grow up. One minute you have a house full of chaos, and the next everything is fucking silent. It takes a while to get used to, so please try to understand where your mom is coming from."
My fork pauses mid-air. "Did Mom tell you something?"
I sent her an apology text, stating that I was just very tired.
Aunt Farrah pushes her plate away, and I know I'm in for it now. "She did, she said you were very out of character and she thought something might be wrong."
My heart starts beating erratically, and it feels like she can hear it all the way on the other side of the kitchen table.
This is it. Where I lay everything out on the table, where I tell her how I've been feeling, that the pressure of expectations are becoming too much for me.
So why the fuck can't I open my mouth and tell her?
"You know you can tell me everything you wanted right? Your mom is not only my sister, she's my best friend, but I won't break your trust." Her voice is soft and caring. "But I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."
I can't even look at her, because if I do, she will see straight through me.
"Does this have something to do with Miguel?"
My heart skips a beat, and my head whips up. Her eyes are intense and knowing, as if she knows exactly what is going on inside of me.
"What do you mean?" My voice comes out steadier than what I feel.
She shrugs casually and cuts a piece of her chicken as if we're talking about the weather.
"I don't know, you tell me. There was just some tension between the two of you when he was here that Sunday."
Do I lie and tell her it was nothing? I have to lie. What will she think of me if she knew the truth?
"It was just weird having him here, that's all." I gulp down the nerves. " You know him and Ben don't like each other."
"Mmm." My aunt murmurs knowingly. "Look, I know someone who is in love when I see them. And you didn't look like a woman in love."
I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes, and I can't seem to stop them when they start falling, my aunt's face blurry in front of me.
"You don't have to marry someone if you don't want to." She comes around the table and takes me in her arms. Then I start sobbing as fear and relief goes through me. "No matter what happens, we've got you. We always got you."