Chapter 45 Just stop
I feel like an alien in my body. Or as if I'm here in the present, yet I'm not.
The only time I feel remotely myself is when I'm working.
I'm leaving everything on the hardwood floor, I run five miles in the park every morning followed by a two-hour stretching session before I head to the theater.
My body feels amazing.
But inside my soul, something is missing.
I've been trying to do some introspection the last week. Is it because what happened on the night of the engagement where I still feel I was maybe taken advantage of? Or is it because Miguel is gone, and I haven't heard of him?
By now he has to know about the engagement. It was all over social media. It even got a spot in the Sunday newspaper.
The worst part?
Ben never even asked me if it was okay if the news was made public. I might be a performer, but I don't want my personal life plastered all over social media. It's bad enough being under the scrutinizing lens of being my parents' only child, I don't want my romantic life out there as well.
And what would the tabloids say if they ever found out I slept with Miguel?
Oh god, I'm going to have to talk to him, make sure he wants to keep the whole thing under wraps as well. It would be bad for his father's career, right?
What the fuck was I thinking?
I was certainly not thinking with my brain, that's for sure.
I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Am I not supposed to be the happiest I've ever been in this moment? I should be elated, thinking of the perfect date for the nuptials. Yet, the only thing I'm looking forward to is Christmas, when the company is touring Asia.
That means I'll be free. At least for a month.
And I know this is not how I'm supposed to feel, but everyone was so happy when Ben asked me to marry him, I couldn't say no.
I manage to stop thinking about my problems while we learn Gregory's new choreography. Like always, I'm Simon's partner. For some reason or the other, Gregory loves to pair the two of us up.
"Stay with me everyone!" Gregory claps his hands. "I know some of you think oh noooooooo, the Nutcracker is so boring Gregory, why this show. But it's what the people want to see around Christmas."
I smile, I don't think The Nutcracker is boring at all. It's what made me fall in love with ballet. My mother took me to see it when I was four, and I was absolutely mesmerized. Afterwards, I told her I wanted to do that. She took me to my first ballet class just after New Year's, and the rest is history like they say.
Simon kisses me on the cheek after we mastered the choreography. "You're a star!"
I hit him playfully on the arm. "So are you!"
"You can be glad we play for the same team, or I might have taken you for myself."
I laugh. I love it here.
"Simon and Madison, please show the rest how it's done before I lose my mind!" Gregory shouts and we rush to the middle of the studio and go through the choreography, a smile on my face the whole time.
"You know you're his favorite, right?" Fernanda, a great Brazilian dancer plops down next me. She's older than me, and I've always admired her.
"Gregory?" I untie the ribbon to my pointes on a laugh. "I don't think he has any favorites."
She gives me a small smirk. "Then you must be blind. Anyway, I'm leaving after this show. I got a good deal in San Francisco."
My mouth drops open in shock. This company is one of the best in the world, everyone wants to be a principal here. Dancers come from all over the world to try and get in.
"Why?"
Fernanda pats my leg like a mother. "Like I said, you must be blind. None of us are ever getting the lead again with you here. Don't feel bad, okay? You're gonna be one of the greats."
I watch her as she walks off. Was that a compliment? And is what she said true?
I still can't help feeling bad that anyone would want to leave here because of me.
I check my messages and sigh when I read the one from my mom.
Mom: Baby girl! I'm waiting for you at that cute Italian place around the corner from the studio. I have some cute wedding ideas!
I don't know what it is about the wedding that irks me. Is it because I don't want to get married right away or because of Ben?
But why would I feel like this? I knew I was getting married to Ben for years.
My mother looks gorgeous as always, and she gets up with a big smile and her arms open, making me feel instantly bad.
I hug her hard, wishing I could share an ounce of her excitement.
"I missed you!" She says after sitting down.
"I'm sorry, I'm mad busy, and we're learning new choreography. You know how it goes."
She purses her lips and I know what's coming next.
"Don't you rather want to move back home, then? You know I'm a great cook, I can take care of you."
We've had this conversation countless times before, I don't know why she's still even bringing it up.
"I like living on my own, and I'm taking care of myself just fine."
"My baby is all grown up." She makes a tragic face, making me laugh. "Speaking of which, I compiled a whole file of gorgeous venues around the city for you to look at. Or maybe you would like a destination wedding like Farrah. I mean hers was very small, but it was gorgeous nontheless."
She opens her iPad and starts scrolling through the venues like she mentioned, going on about each one of them, but it all blurs together in front of my eyes. To me, they all look the same.
"Beautiful, right?" She's beaming like she's the one getting married. "I was thinking a spring wedding, it's your favorite season."
"Stop!" It feels like I'm about to get a panic attack.
Mom's mouth drops open in shock. "What's wrong baby girl."
I can feel my eyes burning with tears gathering, and I don't want to make a scene and embarrass my mother, so I get up and grab my bag, a sob catching in my throat.
"Just stop." I whisper to her bewildered face before getting the fuck out of there.