Chapter 57 Granny Knows Best
THEODORE
"I'm just wondering what you're doing here, Granny," I replied as I walked up to her and kissed her cheek.
"Well, when you bailed on me and the entire family and disappeared to God-knows-where, I grew worried, naturally. Your mother told me you were back, so I decided to stop by and see how you were doing."
I scratched the back of my neck. "I'm sorry about that."
"You're not well. You're acting distant and not like yourself at all. What is it? We'll have some dinner and you'll tell me exactly what's plaguing you."
I sighed. "I don't think I even want to talk about it."
"Well, you will because I'm telling you to. Grab me some black pepper, will you?"
Half an hour later, we were seated in the dining room and she poured me a glass of wine. I felt much calmer now that she was here. Granny had a way of making me feel better about anything. I hated it when she moved away to London.
I lost the one person I could talk to when it happened.
"Now, I want to hear it all."
I shrugged. "What can I say? I met a woman."
She looked at me with a glow in her hazel eyes. "Ah. I see. And she's the one woman who doesn't want you."
"That obvious?"
"Of course. What happened? Who is she?" She paused, then narrowed her eyes. "Don't tell me it's that secretary your mother keeps complaining about."
"She's my executive assistant, not a secretary. Or was." She waited for several beats. I cleared my throat. "What can I say? I had to let her go."
"You've never let go of anything in your life. You were like your father in that sense."
"Yeah. Well, it was the right thing to do."
I took another sip of wine, then started eating. Her eyes haven't left my face. "If there's one thing I learned in life, it's that if something is meant for you, it'll come to you."
I hated that notion more than anything, but I didn't disagree with her. No, fucked up things happened, and sometimes, you lost the thing you were supposed to end up with. I told her, "Yeah. Maybe."
"What about Carmella? Your mother has strong opinions about this."
"Trust me. I know. It drives me nuts. She always wants to control everything. She drove Dad crazy, too. I saw it with my own eyes! Maybe that's why..."
I stopped myself and the wave of anger that hit me from out of nowhere subsided.
Granny said calmly, "You know better than to excuse your father's behavior, Theo. You're free to do whatever you want until it hurts someone."
I dropped the fork and rubbed my eyes. "I know. I didn't mean that."
"He was my son, but I will never excuse what he did. Now, tell me, what can I do for you? How can I help you and this young woman?"
"You can't. I've already decided."
Granny laughed. "Come now, Theo. You're really going to let her go? You fired her? What even happened? I want to hear it from the beginning."
"I don't think that's such a good idea."
How could I tell her that, now that I was thinking about it all, I felt ashamed by my actions? I was driven by this intense need to have her. Claim her. Own her. I'd been this way for a long time. It was fucked up, and I'd given up on questioning it for a long time.
Control. That was the name of my game. Always had been. Even with sex. I had to be in charge of everything. By controlling my partner's pleasure, I felt in control of my own life, as crazy as it sounded. I'd never questioned this before, and always assumed that it was just the way I was born. Who cared? If anything, my travels around the world assured me that there were a lot of people like me.
But this situation with Alice Rhodes...it was the most humbling experience of my life.
"Why not?" she questioned around a mouthful of steak. She then picked up her wine glass and gulped it down. "Do you really think that I can't find this information if I want to? Don't be so naïve. I can clearly see that you're upset about this whole thing."
I shook my head. "What does it matter, anyway? It's not like she belongs in our world."
"Those are your mother's words."
"You want to tell me that you don't feel the same way? What if I told you that I wasn't just interested in a fling?"
Granny surprised me by laughing. "Don't insult me, Theo. If it were a fling, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I know what's at stake, and I have to admit to you that I'm curious about the young woman who has left my grandson—my favorite grandson—in this state."
I rubbed my face. I was so tempted to tell her everything, but Granny was even more stubborn than me, and I didn't want Alice to feel even more cornered. "I had my chance to do things the right way and I blew it, alright?"
"Even God gives second chances."
I sat back in my chair. "You know I'm not all that religious. I don't believe in that stuff."
"Well, I do."
"Granny...it's over, alright? I just want to move on from this. I did enough damage, and there's no way around it. Tomorrow, she'll collect her last paycheck and we'll go our separate ways."
After a beat, she asked me, "But why are you giving up so easily? Surely you haven't known her that long. What could have happened? Doesn't she love you back?"
Love. The word slapped me across the face and I forgot how to breathe. Was it love I felt for her? Fuck, what did I know about love? "I think she feels the same way about me, but I'm not sure of anything anymore."
"Avoiding the word, huh? That's how you know it's real."
I sighed. I needed a cigarette. "It doesn't matter anymore. Please, Granny. I need you to listen to me."
She leaned closer to me with her utensils in her hand. Her signature scent hit my nostrils and reminded me of the times when I'd spend an entire day with her, back when she used to live with all of us, right here in this house. I was the only one who wanted to keep it after she decided to move away. "Only if you tell me why you're so set on giving up! I need to understand your motivations, Theo."
I thought about her question for a few beats, then told her, "Because I refuse to be someone who controls other people."
"Ah," was all she said. "Well, Theo, if that's what you want, then I won't argue with you there. You're grown and old enough to make your choices. Right?"
I nodded, and we ate in silence for several long minutes.