Chapter 34 What do you mean?
Saraphina
Here is the truth. I need to be honest. I always told people I was saving myself for marriage because I wanted to find a man who would wait for me. That was not true. It was just a story I made up. It was a barrier I put up because I was so afraid of love.
My father left me. I watched my mother’s heart get smashed over and over. It scared me. I did not want to fall in love. I used to think love was for fools and that you could not trust anyone. So I invented all these rules and followed them without question, believing I could go through life without ever being wounded.
That did not work. Now, if you want another truth, I have one more. Meeting Ryan changed me. It broke apart every idea I ever held. For the first time in my life, I wanted to let myself feel something. Even if it ended in pain, I thought I might be able to live with that.
Am I really that person? I never believed I would say this, but I wanted to try love. But I was torn. Trying love with Ryan Jake Williams would be the most foolish thing a girl could do. He was never the sort of man you give your heart to. He would take it, grind it up, and throw it away without a thought. But somehow, even after what happened with Vanessa, I felt like I could believe in him.
Am I an idiot for feeling this? On top of everything, the wedding was almost here. It did not even matter if I should trust Ryan or not, because we had to stop this thing between us right now. Our time was up. It was the best time of my life, but it was never real to start with.
Am I just lying to myself? The answer was perfectly clear.
Today was the day before the wedding, the night of the rehearsal dinner.
Tomorrow, my mother would walk down the aisle to marry the man she loves. Tomorrow, I would walk with her as her maid of honor. Tomorrow, Ryan would stand at the altar as the best man for his father. And tomorrow, all of us would officially become one family. Complicated does not begin to cover it.
Tomorrow all of that would happen, and tonight we had to practice.
The dinner was at a pretty outdoor spot. Little lights and white lanterns hung in the trees. Soft jazz music played. People talked and laughed. Some of our family from New York had even flown in for the wedding, so I enjoyed talking with them, especially my grandmother.
For the dinner, I wore a pale pink dress with delicate patterns, and my hair was in a French braid. I felt good about how I looked, and I noticed Ryan could not stop watching me. Vanessa was there too, stuck to his side, but he hardly looked at her. His eyes tracked me everywhere, and it was starting to make me self-conscious.
“Honey, I believe that young man has been staring at you,” my grandmother said quietly near my ear, nodding toward Ryan.
“Grandma, that is Ryan. Clement’s son,” I murmured back.
“Oh, my mistake,” my grandmother laughed. “My eyes are not what they used to be. I could not tell.”
“There she is! My beautiful maid of honor,” I heard my mother Louisa’s voice from behind us.
“There she is, the beautiful bride-to-be,” I replied, and I gave her a long hug.
“I will leave you two alone for a bit. I want to visit the dessert table again,” my grandmother said as she walked away.
“Oh, sweetheart, you have been such a huge help with all the wedding plans. I could not have managed without you,” Louisa said, her voice bright with happiness.
“Anything for you, Mom.”
“Thank you. I know it has been difficult for you. Growing up without your dad, and all. And I have not been the best mother either. But things are going to be different now. We will finally have a real family.” Her eyes were growing wet.
“Oh, Mom. You have always been my family,” I said. “Please do not cry, you will ruin your makeup.”
Louisa dabbed at her eyes carefully and let out a breath. “Okay, okay, I will stop being sentimental now. Because I have a surprise for you!” Her face suddenly lit up with excitement.
Oh no. What did she do?
As if she heard my thought, Louisa put her hands on my shoulders and turned me around. My eyes went wide when I saw Gabe standing there, looking handsome in his suit.
“I invited him. I thought you might need a little encouragement,” Louisa whispered, giving me a gentle push toward him.
“Mom… it is not like that…” I tried to argue.
“Honey, I know you have seen my heart get broken so many times. You were the one who stayed up with me, eating ice cream, helping me piece myself back together. I think maybe that left a mark on you. You never want to open your heart because you do not want it broken. Is that right? But you can not hide from love forever. Be brave. Take the risk. I did it with Clement, and it is the best feeling in the world. Do not miss out on that just because you are scared of getting hurt.” She took my hand and squeezed it.
In all my years knowing my mother, that was the best advice she had ever given me. I looked back at Gabe, and he gave me a wide smile.
But he is not the one.
My eyes moved until they found Ryan. Our stares met. He gave me a small smile, and my stupid legs went weak.
“Go talk to him,” Louisa said again, meaning Gabe.
Gabe had been trying to contact me, and I never called him back. I really should speak to him. At the very least, I owed him an explanation. So I took a deep breath and walked over. His smile grew bigger the closer I got.
“You look amazing,” he said once I was standing near him.
“Thanks. You look nice too,” I answered politely.
“I have been trying to reach you.”
“I know. I am sorry I did not get the chance to call you back.”
“It is okay. I am glad I ran into your mom at the market, though. I asked about you, and she told me everything.”
“What do you mean?”