Chapter 33 Who am I trying to fool?
Ryan
“Saraphina, open the door.” I said it again and again, but she did not answer. I had done a bad thing. A really bad thing.
I made Vanessa leave hours ago, and I had been outside Saraphina’s door for so long. She never came out. She did not leave her room all night. She did not even come down for dinner. Her mother thought she might be ill, and I could only sit there at the table, staring at her empty chair.
“She has been on edge all day. Perhaps the wedding is making her worry, too?” Louisa said about Saraphina.
“Let her have some space,” my father told her. “Seeing her mother marry again… it might be too much for her.”
“She is such a good girl,” Louisa said with a sigh. “I do not know what I did to have her in my life.”
I knew that feeling. I left the table and tried her door again. Still nothing. I wanted to break this fucking door down, but I knew that would only make it worse. I have to fix this. I have to make it right.
Saraphina
The rain was coming down hard that night. I never left my room. I just stayed on my bed, watching it beat against the glass.
‘Knock’ ‘Knock’
I had heard that same sound for hours. Ryan would not give up. I wanted to be cool, to not care, but I was not. I was so hurt, and I did not want to see him. The thought of his face made me want to cry.
It just hurt too much.
The gentle knocking kept on, but I did not move. I wanted him to leave me be. I needed to think.
“Go away!” I finally shouted.
“Saraphina,” his voice came through the door.
“I said, go away!”
Then, it went quiet. The knocking stopped. I listened for a long moment, but there was nothing. He was gone.
He listened to me. So why did I feel worse?
The silence just made me more sad. I was so pathetic. I groaned and buried my face in my pillow, wishing I could disappear.
I cried for I do not know how long. My pillow was soaked, and I felt like the most foolish girl alive. I was still crying when I heard a new sound.
‘KNOCK’ ‘KNOCK’ ‘KNOCK’
This time, it was not at the door. It was at the window. I turned my head and saw him there, outside the glass.
“Hey,” he said, and he waved.
It was pouring. My window does not have a ledge or anything. It was a stupid, dangerous thing to do.
“What in the hell are you doing out there?” I said, pushing the window up.
“You would not open the door,” he answered.
“So you climbed up here?”
“Can I come in, please?”
“No. Go away.”
“Saraphina…” he begged. “I just need to talk to you. Please.”
His hands were slipping on the wet frame. The rain had soaked him completely, and seeing it made my chest ache.
“Fine,” I sighed, moving back so he could climb inside.
Dripping wet, he pulled himself through my window. He closed it behind him, but he was so drenched he was making a puddle on the floor.
I got a towel from my bathroom and tossed it to him. “Talk,” I said, my voice short.
“Are you angry with me?” he asked, drying his hair.
“What do you think?” I let out a bitter laugh, then grabbed my pillow and smacked him with it.
“Okay. I earned that,” he said, breathing out hard.
I walked to my bed and sank down against the headboard. I pulled my knees up to my chest.
“Saraphina,” Ryan said, his voice low. He sat on the edge of the bed. “I am sorry.”
“No, you know what?” I stopped him. I waited a second before speaking. “You do not have to be sorry, Ryan. I do not know why I am so upset. You and I are just having fun. We are not a couple. We are barely anything. We are nothing. So I do not get to be upset. You can fuck Vanessa if you want. You can bring her to the wedding. It should not matter to me..” But I could not finish. Ryan took my face in his hands and his mouth was on mine. I tried to push him away, but his kiss was gentle. It was so soft. He had never kissed me like that before.
That kiss made my whole body go weak. Then I remembered. Those same lips had probably been on Vanessa just a little while ago.
“No!” I cried, pulling back. Ryan looked surprised, and something like pain was in his eyes.
“Saraphina, when you said we are nothing… you do not mean that, do you?” he asked. His eyes were full of wanting.
“I do not know,” I said, turning my face away.
He took my chin and made me look at him. He studied my face. Then he spoke. “We did not do it.”
“Do what?”
“I did not fuck Vanessa. We did not have sex. She did… put her mouth on my dick. I hated it. The whole time, I kept wishing it was you..” He did not get to finish. My hand flew out and cracked against his cheek.
‘SMACK!’
I had slapped him. His skin was red where I hit him. Ryan stared, completely shocked. I was shocked, too. I did not know what made me do it.
“Oh… I…” My voice was a dry rasp. I did not know what to say.
I thought he would be angry. Instead, a strange look came over his face. And he smiled.
“Why are you smiling?”
“Because this shows you care. It means we are not nothing,” he said, like he had won.
My hand went up again. I wanted to wipe that stupid smile off his face, but Ryan caught my wrist in the air. His hold was solid, and no matter how I pushed or fought, he would not let go.
“Let me go!”
“Never,” he said, and his grip only got stronger. He wrapped both arms around me so I could not get free.
Ryan lifted me easily and set me on his lap. He held me against his solid body, and I was surrounded by his clean, male smell. I stopped fighting. I knew I could not win. I still felt so hurt, but I also did not want him to let go. It was the strangest feeling. For a while, we just stayed like that, quiet, hearing each other breathe.
“Vanessa and I… that will not happen again,” he said into the quiet. “It was a mistake. It meant nothing.”
“Do you want her?” I heard myself ask.
“Not the way I want you.”
“Were you two ever together?”
“No. We were just friends who fucked sometimes. We knew how to make each other come. That is all it was.”
“You have no feeling for her?”
“No,” he said, leaving no room for doubt.
“Tell me the truth,” I pushed. “You can tell me. I would understand.”
Ryan shook his head. “I have only ever felt anything with one girl. And now I see how stupid I was, almost ruining it for something so empty.”
He sighed and leaned his forehead against mine, his eyes holding mine.
“I am sorry. I am a jackass. You have every right to be mad. I deserve a thousand more of those slaps,” he said. He paused. “I will even teach you how to throw a proper punch. You can hit me a thousand more times.”
I almost smiled, but I bit my lip hard to stop it.
“This… thing between us. It is really hard for me. But I promise I will do better.” He took a deep breath, and his eyes told me he was being honest. “There is only one girl I want like that. And even if you are not ready, I will be patient. I will wait. Because you are it. You are the one I want.” He gave me a long, soft kiss on my forehead.
“What if I am never ready?” I asked.
“Then I guess I will die without ever having sex again,” he laughed.
Oh, damn you, Ryan Jake Williams. Damn you completely.
With his forehead on mine, our noses almost touching, Ryan spoke quietly. “Forgive me?”
“Ryan…”
“Please. Forgive me.”
His eyes said everything. All the hurt inside me just melted away. I could not stay angry. I could not push him away. How was I supposed to live without him? And right then, I knew. I think I have fallen for him. But holy hell, no.
That was not the plan. I could not let that happen. I needed to get my feelings under control. This was supposed to be just fun, right?
Before I could find an answer, Ryan’s mouth was on mine again and every thought left my head. Without stopping the kiss, he held me tight and leaned us both back onto the bed. We kissed for a long time, and I held onto him like a child afraid of losing her favorite thing. It seems my common sense had left the building.
Ryan stayed in my bed that night. We slept holding each other until morning. He left through the window so our parents would not see him come from my room. As I sat up and looked at the shape his body had left in my sheets, I understood how big this was. My common sense was back, and it was scolding me for everything I did last night. I was mad at him for being with another girl, but I forgave him. I clung to him as I slept. I remembered my rules, about stopping when things got serious.
Oh, fuck. Who am I trying to fool? This is already so much more than serious.