Chapter 15 ..... bruises on his knuckles
Ryan
I held my hands under the cold water. My knuckles were split open. The water stung where it touched the raw skin, washing the blood away. It hurt, but I thought about her, and I knew she was hurting a lot more.
God, she had looked so scared. I just wanted to hold her.
I lay in bed, turning over and groaning, trying to find sleep. But every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face. She had been terrified. I got there just in time. If I had been a few seconds later, I do not know what he would have done to her.
When I held her in my arms, I could feel everything she was feeling. All that fear. I just wanted to take it all away. I wanted to pull her so close that she would know, for sure, that she was all right.
I need to know that she is all right.
I rolled out of bed and started for the door, but I stopped. I thought about what would happen if I actually went to her room.
What would I do? Knock? Ask her if she can sleep? Hold her if she says she is scared? Kiss her forehead? Touch her face? Lie down next to her? Lie down with her?
I could picture it all, and I knew it was not the right thing to do. I saved her from Cameron, yes, but I had to save her from me, too.
Fuck.
Going to her room would only make everything worse. As much as I wanted to hold her and make sure she was okay, I made myself stop. I turned around and got back into bed.
Saraphina
I found myself standing at my door, my hand on the knob, before I really knew what I was doing.
What was I thinking? Was I really going to go to Ryan’s room?
Oh, Saraphina. You have been through a lot. You are not thinking straight, and this is not the answer, I told myself. Sure, it would feel good to have him with me for a little while, but what then? With all the confusing tension already between us, it would not end well.
I sighed and let my hand drop from the doorknob. As I turned away, I saw Ryan’s black jacket draped over a chair. I picked it up and put it on. Wearing it was almost like having his arms around me.
It is so sad. And so pathetic.
But with his jacket on, I went back to bed. His smell was all over me again, and it felt like he was right here. I lay down and closed my eyes, and I let myself pretend he was really here. That his face was close to mine. That if I reached out, I could touch him.
Oh, this is not right, Saraphina. But it is not wrong, either. And for now, it has to be enough.
I was not seeing Cameron anymore. All I could see was Ryan. The way he looked at me. The way he held me. I felt safe. I felt warm. And with that thought in my mind, I finally fell into a quiet, deep sleep.
"Saraphina, honey! Time for breakfast!"
The next morning, my mom’s voice woke me up. I was still tired, but a small smile touched my lips when I saw the black jacket still wrapped around me. It made me feel warm and happy inside, like I had actually woken up next to him.
Stupid girl. You are so pathetic.
I remembered him saying I could keep it, and my heart did a little flip. I got out of bed with more energy and went to get ready. For a second, I thought about putting the jacket in the laundry. But if I washed it, it would not smell like him anymore. So I folded it up neatly and hid it in my closet instead.
When I walked into the kitchen a little later, Mom was cooking eggs. Clement was drinking coffee and reading the paper. Ryan was eating cereal. His eyes found me the moment I walked in.
"Saraphina, you are finally up. Come on, we have eggs," Mom said, her voice bright.
"Thanks," I said, taking a plate.
"How was the party last night? You two got home pretty late," she asked. My breath caught in my throat. Ryan looked at me, his face full of concern.
"It was okay. Nothing special," I said, my mouth full of eggs.
"Did you meet anyone nice?" Mom asked again.
"Uh, yeah, a few people," I replied.
"Why are you wearing a scarf? It is like eighty degrees outside," she said with a little laugh.
Oh, right. I had to wear this to cover the bruises that bastard left on me. I could not tell her that.
"Really? I feel kind of cold, actually. Weird. Ha. Hey, these eggs are great," I said, laughing a nervous laugh and changing the subject. "What did you put in them?"
"Oh, it is a secret ingredient! Let me tell you." She started talking all about some cooking show she watched. I nodded like I was really listening, but I was just glad we were not talking about me anymore.
When Mom turned back to the stove, Ryan looked right at me. While no one was watching, he formed the words with his mouth. "You okay?"
I smiled and gave him a sure nod. He looked like a weight had been lifted off of him.
"So, you ready for the big game tomorrow? It is the first one in the qualifying series, right?" Clement said to Ryan as he put his newspaper down. Ryan’s attention snapped to his dad.
"Yeah, I feel good," Ryan said, clearing his throat.
"Hey, what happened to your hand?" Clement asked suddenly. That is when I saw it, the bruises on his knuckles. They were a real mess.
"Ah... from training. I must have hurt myself," Ryan answered.
Lies. I knew exactly where that came from.
"You must be training very hard, then! We are so excited to watch you compete tomorrow," Mom said to him.
Ryan gave her a nod and a polite smile. I waited until no one was looking and then I looked right at him. I formed the words with my mouth. "You okay?"
The corner of his mouth turned up into a knowing smile, and he just winked at me.