FEAR AND ANXIETY (PART TWO)

FEAR AND ANXIETY (PART TWO)
What was going on with me? What happened to me being so confident and having this zeal of being able to take on anything in the world? Why was I hesitating?
Why was my heart beating so fast like it was about to pump out of my chest any moment from now? I was panting and slowly, slowly getting out of breath?
Why did saying those words finally became so terrifying?
"What's wrong with you, Oceana?"
I could sense the mockery in his tone and wished the ground would just open up and swallow me up.
"What happened to the assured princess of the realms? Everyone looks up to you, everyone adores you and also look up to you as their role model. You worked so hard to be where you are right now; don't ruin it because of me. You were quite sure of yourself wanting to be my mate earlier, what's stopping you, Princess of the ten realms and the Mackenzie Clan?" He laughed.
I shut my eyes, spilling down tears.
"I thought you were chasing me to accept you, you were so eager to claim me, but you failed to think of the consequences it was going to cause. Are you scared of telling them, then why do you want me? Why do you yearn for your fucking brother."
"Stop repeating that word." I yelled fearfully and fixed a look of hostility at him. "And stop mocking me."
"Why?' He came closer to me. "Are you disgusted, afraid to face reality, facing the harsh truth of life, and you keep saying you love me?"
"Of course, I do love you." I defended myself as I shouted.
"No, you don't.' He flatly stated "You are only saying that because you are moved by the bond."
I shook my head. "No." I disagreed.
"If Carmine were to come here and tell you he was your mate as well, would you love him?"
What kind of a question was that?
"I don't look at Carnine the way I look at you. I've always loved you, since I was a child. I just never realized it until you said I was your mate. That's why all those years I couldn't forget about you, you were all I ever thought of. I finally realized that I have been in love with you this whole time. The love I have for Carmine is that of a brother, but with you it is so difficult and different."
"I don't care about those words you just spilled out of your mouth, what I'm more concerned about is for you to tell the world about who your mate is."
"Your reputation will be damaged.' I reminded him.
He shrugged his shoulders. "And so.'
"You will suffer so much, Gerard, they will never let us be together." I cried out.
"Do you think I care about all that? If I actually gave a fuck, I wouldn't bring this up, would I?"
"Gerard, don't do this, let's settle this in another way." I suggested with a stain voice.
"No, I disagree. We are going to do this my way, let's put an end to this now." He pointed at the view. "Let them know the truth; it is very simple or end this madness."
"Why are you insisting I do such a thing for you to accept me?"
"You are terrified, isn't it?" And I bet you thought of the things you were going to go through if you had done what I was telling you to do. Let me guess, a lot of thoughts came into your head, and you got scared of how you were going to fail miserably, how pitiable your life was going to be, and what your parents will do to you, and you know for sure, they wouldn't take this lightly with you, and you were also worried about how the people, the clan, were going to make you look, and how they were going to tag you as a cursed Alpha who committed a taboo and then, you will be hanged on a pole or stone to death, and your name will be wiped out of history, and no one will remember an Alpha called Oceana."
"Gérard, it's not what you are thinking."
"Then, spill the tea, Oceana, show them that you are not terrified and suffer the backslashes from them. I thought you were so bold, why are you holding yourself back? What's the matter with you?"
"Why are you forcing me to do this? Are you perhaps testing me to see if I truly love you?"
"No, that's not my reason for doing this, I have other plans as well."
"I don't know why you are doing this, but you are hurting me, Gérard." I wiped off my tears. "All these years, you left me, and I missed you so much." I was always your favorite, I loved you so much, but you left and that broke my heart, you never called, texted, or checked on how I was doing, you left me all by myself. After you left, I was bullied, I fought hard to be stronger, be a confident Alpha; I wanted to be someone everyone will be proud of; you had no idea what I wanted, you had no idea what has been happening to me or what I went through in the hands of our parents. You forgot about me for six fucking years, no contact." I began sobbing. "What…that…u…what…sobs." I cleaned off my tears. "Please don't push me to do this, I need some time." I cried even harder and fell to my knees; my heart ached so badly, and it wasn't because of what I told him.
I was moved to tears because of what he wanted me to do and I couldn't do it. The shame and guilt began killing me inside.
I loved him, but the fear and the anxiety of what was going to happen was making me hesitate.
I was beginning to feel very low about myself, and it felt as if everything I have ever said was a lie. I felt as if my words were just empty truth and promises. I couldn't even do a simple thing for him, and I keep chasing him and telling him to accept me when I can't even handle a fire.
I loved him, and I don't know where to start. Was he going to leave me and not talk to me again? Was he going to think that I was just an Alpha with no brains? Why do I feel so terrified, and why was he so quiet when I talked? I wonder what he is thinking in that head of his and why he was so silent.
"Are you done?" He spoke, and I stood up from the floor I broke down and looked up at him. "Why are you crying?"
I shook my head. "I just felt so emotional, that's all."
"You were just close to the pavement, and you were scared of announcing it. Don't make a fire you can't handle, and from today on, stop trying to bully Emily and chasing me to claim you, because I wouldn't do such a thing. Stop pestering me and focus on your life; it will be for the best. Let's end this once and for all."
"I don't understand." I clenched my sweaty hands, I could sense a heavy lump in my throat.


"I don't want to do this anymore with you either, but from now on, stop all these matters, the next time you mention it again, I will leave, and this time I won't be coming back ever again."
"Gérard," I whispered.
"You heard me. Stop misbehaving and making me look bad, okay? I don't want the clan to start rumors of you clinging onto me and start getting suspicious, just stop all this nonsense and focus on your life and reputation, and get married to the best Alpha in the clan and be his wife, give him children."
"You are such a jerk; you don't even have any feelings at all. Do you even notice how those words come out easily? Do you know how hurtful and disgusting hearing these words from you is? Do you have any idea how bad it is, and you look at it and think it is normal after what you did?" "You are not even remorseful."
"Cut the crap; I'm not your lover or your husband, okay, and I think I should stop talking to you and maybe you will understand."
"You want to stop communicating with me."
"Yes." He said. "I can't be talking to a pervert who lusts after her big brother, I call those types of people, whores."
Out of rage, with my face wet with heavy tears, I smacked him hard across the face.
His long white hair covered the spot I slapped him, and I noticed his blue eyes glowing for a second before he turned and looked at me without touching its spot.
"How dare you call me a whore and a pervert, jerk?" "You are an asshole who also lusts after me as well and hides his feelings because of some bullshit." I yelled furiously at him.
"Don't you ever slap me again."
I shouted at the top of my lungs. "What are you going to do about it, huh?"
"Oceana," he warned.
"Do your worst, Gerard, I'm not giving up." I went on and noticed someone standing far away.
I looked and saw Carmine, surprised he was there, as he moved towards us, confronting Gérard.
"Why are you so hard on her, huh?" He asked, and Gérard only chuckled.
What was wrong with him?
"Warn her to stay off of me if she doesn't want to get killed." He walked past Carmine and stopped. "I'm married now, let's all move on with our lives."
"Stop making it sound so easy," Carmine stated, and what did he mean by that?
Gérard laughed. "I said what I said, and no one could stop me. You should also think about yourself as well."
Carmine frowned. "And what was that supposed to mean?"
"Face reality," Gérard said without looking back at us. "Later." He uttered and walked out on us, and from that day on, he began to seriously avoid me, and I didn't know what to do.
I became lost, unsure of the next direction to take, after I ran away from Carmine, ignoring him no matter how many times he called after me. I didn't want to speak to him or anyone else, I was just down and devastated, waking up early in the morning, going to school, coming back to the clan, and walking straight to my room.
That became my routine; I didn't want to talk to anyone, and after what Gérard did to me, I became a hopeless puppy.
Rumors out of the blue began to spread all over the palace about how Gérard and I were spotted kissing at the Pleasure House.
I was dumbfounded, and everything around me felt like it was crumbling apart.
What the hell have I done?