75. Mystery Of Love

- - - - - One Week Later - - - - -

~ Killian ~

“I’m sorry for your loss,”

“He will be greatly missed,”

“My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family,”

These were the words that Killian kept hearing repeatedly for the entire day. For the past week even, these were the only words that people could say to him. The Vanderbilt home and Killian’s old apartment were flooded with gifts, letters, and calls from people all over the country. And since today was Caspian’s funeral, these words could never escape Killian’s ears.

Killian was tired of hearing the same stupid things, but he only smiled and nodded his head. Even though he hated being here in this church, shaking all these people’s hands, Killian wore his best suit and tie and stood there anyway.

The funeral was a big event. Important people from all over the country were in attendance. The mayor of New York City was there with his entire family to pay his respect. They even closed down the entire street to accommodate the amount of traffic.

Caspian would find this hilarious.

Killian couldn’t help but scoff. Caspian always liked big parties and getting attention from everyone. He would have loved seeing this. So many people were coming up to him to tell him how much they missed his brother and how great of a man he was.

Killian listened patiently as people came up to him to share stories about the Caspian they remembered. Caspian was always fun to be around. He was crazy, but he was a lot of fun. Sure, he was reckless and he broke a lot of hearts. But no one could deny that their life was much more colorful with Caspian around.

As Killian was smiling politely at the people that shook his hand, he noticed a girl in a black dress, black hat, and sunglasses entering the church. She was walking with her dad and her two best friends. Even with all the cover-ups she was wearing, Killian knew it was Audrey. He could spot her a mile away.

Audrey received several stitches on the side of her head after the accident. Her eyes were also swollen and dark. She hadn’t been sleeping for days and she was crying all night. People probably thought she dressed that way to look fashionable, but no one understood the pain she was carrying. No one, except Killian.

Though Killian was wearing a smile, he was actually dying on the inside. He wanted to get away from this bullshit hypocrisy. All these people were talking like they knew the real Caspian. They knew only a part of him. No one knew the best part. Caspian had the biggest heart in the world. And only two people ever saw that.

“Thank you all for being here today,” Killian said into the mic as he stood on the stage.

The priest had called for the family members to give a eulogy. Killian was chosen to speak on the Vanderbilt family’s behalf. He stared at the sea of people before him, and the photographers were taking pictures. He recognized many faces, but Killian only locked eyes with one. Audrey. Though she was wearing dark sunglasses and he couldn’t really see her eyes, he could see her heart and soul. She was feeling the same things as him. He let out a small smile and she smiled back in return.

“On behalf of my family, I would like to begin by thanking everyone that is here today and for those who have sent their condolences. We have received countless calls, letters, flowers, visits, and thoughts and prayers. They have been both comforting during this difficult time and have been a reminder of the impact that Caspian had on so many others,”

Killian was reading from a small note in his hand. His words were carefully crafted and they weren’t his own. These were the words that his parents wanted him to say, so he said it for them.

“My name is Killian Vanderbilt and I’m very lucky to call Caspian Vanderbilt my brother…” Killian paused for a moment as he read the notes on the paper. He was supposed to talk about how great of a Vanderbilt Caspian was. He didn't like what he was reading. It all sounded so fake. Caspian would be sneering in his grave if these were the last words Killian said about him. Killian scoffed, shook his head, and scrunched up the paper in his hand. He decided to talk freely instead.

“…Caspian was what one would call an independent spirit. He hated structure and order. He refused to play by the rules. He was always… wild,”

Killian couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t following the script or playing by the rules. He was channeling his inner Caspian. It was ironically funny and sweet at the same time.

“Caspian’s life motto was ‘go with the flow’. He always said that life is what happens when we’re too busy planning. I didn’t agree with him before, but the older I get, the more I realize that Caspian was right. Sometimes there are things that will blindside us no matter how hard we try to know everything. Sometimes there are things that happen beyond our comprehension. Like this one, for instance,”

Killian paused and cleared his throat. His voice was cracking a little.

“But if Caspian were here today, I know he’ll tell us to just fúck it,” Killian said again. “Fúck it all to hell,”

Some people broke out laughing, and some others were gasping and whispering. His mother and father looked appalled, but Killian only smiled. And Audrey was smiling right with him.

“Caspian will tell us to let it go and go with the flow. Force nothing. Trust that whichever way it goes, it’s for the best,”

Killian paused again to hold the tears from falling. He glanced at the coffin in front of him and the picture of a smiling Caspian next to it. His head was suddenly filled with flashes of memories of his childhood with Caspian. Caspian was such a big brother. He always teased and taunted Killian. But he also taught Killian everything he knew.

“I learned a lot growing up with Caspian. I won’t be the person I am today without him. The best and the worst moments of my life have him in it... Caspian taught me what it means to be alive. He taught me what it means to love. He taught me how to be a man. I can only hope I’ll be half the man he was someday...”

Killian glanced at the coffin one last time and smiled, “Thank you for always having my back, Cas. Thank you for being the best brother anyone could ever ask for,” then Killian turned to Audrey, staring at her meaningfully and said, “We will love you forever,”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Later on that day, on November 11 at 3 in the afternoon, Caspian Vanderbilt was laid to rest in the Greenwood Cemetery in New York City. A beautiful stone and statue were erected above his grave.

Anna Vanderbilt couldn’t stop her tears as she watched her son’s coffin being brought down into the grave. John Vanderbilt could only stare with eyes full of regret and sorrow. Audrey’s eyes were unseen behind the sunglasses, but Killian could tell that she was crying.

Killian made his way through the rows of people and stood directly behind Audrey. Mikey and Olivia moved aside to give him space. Killian stood closely next to her and took her hand in his. He laced their fingers together and Audrey gripped his hand back tightly. They were looking to the front as the coffin was being lowered down. They may appear strong to the bystanders, but their shaking hands were telling a different story.

In the midst of this harrowing moment, holding her hand was the one thing that kept Killian sane. The same went for Audrey. And no one else knew of this pain. No one else saw. No one else understood.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After the burial, the Vanderbilt family held a small private service in their home. Killian had spent the entire day fake smiling and listening to people talking, he couldn’t take any more of it. With a glass of bourbon in his hand, Killian escaped the party and headed up the stairs. He thought about going into his room, but he saw the door to Caspian’s room slightly ajar. He decided to walk that way instead.

Killian entered Caspian’s old room and the first thing he noticed was the smell. It smelled just like Caspian and it made his heart twist and ache. Killian slowly made his way inside and he was walking to Caspian’s desk. Killian opened one of the desk drawers and he found a small gold necklace tucked inside.

Killian couldn’t help but smile. He picked up the necklace and his thumb traced over the engraving. 'C + K' it read. It was the Christmas gift they got for Audrey when they first started dating. She gave it back when she ended the engagement. Caspian must’ve saved it.

“That was a great eulogy you did,”

Suddenly, his father’s voice was heard and Killian turned his head around instinctively. John Vanderbilt was standing by the doorframe with a glass of bourbon in his hand.

“Oh, hey, dad,”

“What are you doing here?” John asked.

“The same thing you’re doing, I guess?” Killian shrugged.

John stifled a laugh and nodded his head. He then took a step inside Caspian’s room. There was a picture of a young Caspian and Killian on the bookshelf and John let out a sad smile.

“What a kid, huh?” he said as he stared at the photograph.

Killian didn’t say a word back. He only stared at his father. It was the first time he ever saw his dad showing this much emotion.

“I never got a chance to tell him how proud I was of him,” John said again.

“Were you ever?” Killian asked.

“He was my firstborn son. I was always proud of him,” John was holding back his tears. He kept staring at the photograph as he sipped his drink. “I just knew that he could do better. He had so much potential. I kept pushing him because I wanted him to see that too. But I pushed him too far and I drove him away. I should’ve learned to stop,”

Killian paused for a moment. He saw a single tear falling from his father’s tired face.

“You didn’t drive him away, dad,” Killian sighed. “That was his choice. Caspian always wanted to be free,”

“Maybe if I had done things differently…”

“It’ll still have the same outcome,” Killian said sternly. “He never liked working the nine to five. That’s just who he is. He’s great with ideas though, he was always… out of the box,”

John and Killian exchanged a knowing look. Their lips curved up a small smile.

“You were with him after he quit the company. He lived at your place in Brooklyn,” his father said suddenly. “Was he happy then?”

Killian smiled and nodded his head.

“He was extremely happy. The happiest I’ve ever seen him,”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

After talking to his dad about Caspian, Killian’s heart was filled with more sorrow. He missed his brother so terribly. He wished he could tell Caspian the things their father said. Caspian would’ve loved it.

Later on that night, light snow was falling on the ground as the party continued at the Vanderbilt mansion. Killian didn’t feel like drinking and being around these people, so he took his coat and an umbrella, and he left the memorial service.

Killian made his way back to the cemetery where Caspian was buried. The winter night was cold and the snow was falling harder. The dark cemetery was covered in white and it looked eerily beautiful.

Killian thought he’d be alone at Caspian’s grave. He wanted to talk to his brother about some things. But Killian stopped his tracks when he saw someone else was at Caspian’s grave. A young woman in a black hat and dress was bending down to put flowers on his grave.

“Audrey?” he gaped.

Audrey turned around and saw him. She gave him a weak smile. She was standing alone without any umbrella and the snow was covering her head and shoulders. Killian strode over to her and put the umbrella above her head.

“Sweetheart, what are you doing here?” he asked again.

Audrey glanced at the grave and sighed. “I’m not gonna leave him all alone,”

“He’s not gonna be alone,” Killian said as he took her hand. “He has us. He’ll always do,”

Audrey’s lips twitched into a smile. It was a smile mixed with a frown. Although she knew Killian was right, she was still feeling sad.

“I like your eulogy,” she said suddenly as if to ease the tension.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

Killian smiled. “There’s actually a part that I left out. I figured those people wouldn’t understand anyway,”

“What is it?”

Killian tilted her chin up and his piercing blue eyes bore deep into her soul. He took a moment to stare at her and he just marveled at the sight.

“The best thing about Caspian is how he loved,” Killian said. “When he loved something, he loved it so severely that everything else becomes secondary. He was generous beyond measure. He loved without barriers. I have never seen a love that great before and I probably never will,”

Audrey’s eyes turned glassy as she stared at Killian. He only smiled and stroked her chin with his thumb.

“My brother and I love the same thing. The same girl. But he never once made me feel like love is a competition. Love is meant to be shared. And I’m lucky to have been able to share that love with him and with you,”

Killian let out a soft sigh and rested his forehead on top of Audrey’s. Her lips began to quiver. He knew she was going to cry again.

“It’s the greatest love story I’ve ever known and it’s not over yet. Even though he’s not here with us physically, I know he’s with us in our hearts,”

Killian then took out the gold necklace from his pocket. Audrey gasped as soon as she saw it.

“Kill? That’s…”

“Your necklace,” he smiled and put the necklace around her neck. “I know Caspian said we both got it for you for Christmas, but this was actually his idea. This was all him,”

He always had such bright ideas.

Audrey couldn’t help the tears from falling. She stared at the necklace on her chest and her heart was breaking. Killian could see and feel it too.

“Audrey, I meant what I said before. I love you. I wanna marry you and I wanna have a family with you,” Killian tilted her face up to him again. He stared at her with tender and pleading eyes. “Losing Caspian is like losing half my soul. I don’t wanna lose my other half ever again,”

Killian’s chest was pounding. He closed the distance between their bodies and leaned for her lips. Their noses were touching and their lips were only an inch away. And just before they touched, Killian stopped and said, “Audrey Nicole Huntington, will you marry me?”

*

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- - - - - To Be Continued - - - - -