74. Old Devil Moon

~ Killian ~

Killian clung to Audrey’s body like it was his only lifeline. His voice was coarse from crying and his eyes were swollen and blue. But for the first time in days, Killian could finally breathe again. He had been holding onto this pain alone for so long. No one could’ve helped him. No one could’ve possibly understood. Losing Caspian was like losing half of himself. No one would know the severity of his pain, except for maybe her.

Audrey was also crying her heart out. She just learned about it this morning from her friends. Killian came by in the afternoon to check up on her. She wasn’t talking to anyone except for him.

Killian learned about Caspian two days ago. He had the same reaction as her the first time he heard it. He kept saying it was impossible. It must be a mistake. Caspian was the strongest guy he knew. He couldn't just die.

“His injuries were fatal. We did everything we could,” the doctor said with a stoic face. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Vanderbilt,”

Killian kept waiting to see if the doctor would say anything else, but he never did. His words were final. That was it. That was that.

“Let me see him,” Killian said.

The doctor nodded and stepped aside, revealing the door to Caspian’s room. Killian limped with his crutch and opened the door. The door swung back and Killian saw his brother lying on the hospital bed. There was a white fabric covering his body and face. Killian peeled the fabric down with and he saw Caspian’s face. His eyes were closed. His skin was pale and blue. It didn’t even look like Caspian anymore.

This isn’t Cas. This can’t be him!

A lump was stuck in his throat and Killian couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t stand looking at Caspian like this. Killian quickly turned his face away. And on the doorframe, he saw his mom and dad had just arrived. The doctor was telling them the news. His poor mother broke down instantly.

“How did this happen?” she cried.

“He sustained extensive bleeding in his vital organs. He’s probably already gone minutes after the impact,” the doctor said, pausing for a beat before adding, “He didn’t suffer too long…”

And that’s supposed to make it better?

“No!” Anna screamed and cried. “No, not my baby!”

Anna Vanderbilt turned her face into her husband’s chest. John held his wife as she shook with tears. He was holding back his own.

“What happened, Killian?” He asked when he saw Killian walking out of the room.

Killian couldn’t give his dad an answer. He closed his eyes and he could see it all happening all over again. Everything was happening in slow motion. Killian was driving through the dark road. The moon and the car’s headlight were his only source of light. The rain was falling and their backup had just arrived. Killian felt calm because he knew that they had won. But suddenly, Anthony’s car came flying out of nowhere. As soon as he saw it, Killian was doing everything he could to swerve the car away, but it was too late. Moments before Anthony’s car collided with them, Caspian yanked his seatbelt off and he lunged to the backseat for Audrey. He was holding onto her as the car tumbled and fell down the cliff. He was covering her and he never let her go.

“He shouldn’t have done it…” was all that came out of Killian’s mouth. “He shouldn’t have jumped…”

If Caspian never jumped, maybe he’d still be alive. But what would that mean for Audrey? Would she still be alive?

Killian didn’t want to dwell in these thoughts. There were all horrible and painful thoughts. So he kept his mouth shut and walked away, leaving his parents staring and crying at the corpse of their dead son.

Killian felt numb.

He didn’t eat anything and he didn’t talk to anyone for the next forty-eight hours. He tried to go see Audrey, but they told him she was resting. Knowing that Audrey was alive and well was the only thing that kept Killian going. He didn’t know what he’d do if he’d lose her too.

“I wanna see him,” Audrey said after a while of crying.

Killian and Audrey were in her hospital bed, hugging and crying for what felt like hours. He had lost track of time. Killian glanced out the window and saw that the sky was dark. The sun had set and the moon was high in the sky. It had been hours.

Audrey was holding onto him and Killian was holding onto her. She had just been given the worst news of her life. It took her a while to process everything. Her head was still down and her voice was small and cracking. Her body was still trembling and her lips quivering. Killian knew exactly how that must felt. He had been through the same exact ordeal.

“Okay,” he said softly into her ears. “Let’s go see him,”

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~ Audrey ~

Audrey was seated in a wheelchair and Killian was slowly pushing it. Other nurses had offered to help them, but they refused. They didn’t want anyone’s help. This was just between them.

Though they weren’t supposed to be down at the hospital mortuary, no one dared to say no to Killian Vanderbilt. The Vanderbilt was a well-known name in St. Jude’s hospital. They even built a wing in this hospital.

Killian and Audrey made their way down to the basement where the mortuary was. The room was all white and filled with metal doors. The autopsy technician spotted Killian and Audrey walking in, and he quickly stood up straighter.

“Mr. Vanderbilt,” he said.

“I’d like to see my brother,” Killian said simply.

“Yes, of course,”

The technician went to one of the metal doors and pulled it open. Then he pulled out the bed and revealed a body lying on it. His face was covered with the white fabric.

“Will you give us a minute?” Killian said.

“You can have all the time you need, sir,” The technician nodded and stepped away, leaving Audrey and Killian alone in the room.

Audrey swallowed hard and she staggered to get up from the chair. She held onto the metal bed, and her hands were shaking as she reached for the white fabric. Slowly, she pulled the fabric down and she saw Caspian’s lifeless face.

It was the most heartbreaking sight she’d ever seen. Caspian was still his beautiful self, but his face was gray and cold like a statue. Audrey couldn’t bear looking at him a second longer. Killian too, he was already looking away the moment Audrey pulled down the fabric.

“It doesn’t even look like him,” Audrey muttered. Her voice was still and small.

“I know,” Killian sighed.

“He was always… smiling,”

Audrey remembered the smiles and smirks on Caspian’s face. He was always lively and playful. His energy was contagious. His laughter was infectious. His eyes were blue and deep like the ocean. But Audrey couldn’t see any of that now. All she could see was the shell of who he used to be.

Audrey leaned down and kissed the top of Caspian’s head. He felt ice cold and Audrey almost flinched in shock. She was desperately trying to cling onto whatever was left of him, but there was nothing left. He was gone. He was really gone.

Tears began trickling down her face again. Killian held onto her and she pulled herself back up. Audrey couldn’t look at Caspian anymore. This was not how she wanted to remember him. Audrey turned her face to Killian and buried her nose into his chest. Killian let out a sigh and pushed the bed back into the metal door. This was not how he wanted to see Caspian either.

“Why did he jump?” Audrey said in between tears. “He shouldn’t have jumped…”

Killian stroked her head gently and let out a deep breath. Then he lifted her chin up with his thumb and said, “Hey, it’s not your fault. He only wanted to protect you. You know him. That’s exactly what he’d do,”

Audrey knew Killian was just trying to make her feel better, but she only felt worse. They both knew Caspian was always reckless. He would do things without thinking about the consequences. He had no regard for his own life and he jumped to protect Audrey and the baby. The baby that he didn’t even want to have. He died protecting them anyway.

“Maybe it’s my fault,” Killian said lowly. “I should’ve seen the car coming. I should’ve done something,”

Audrey shook her head and cupped his cheeks with her hands. Killian tried to look away, but Audrey held his gaze.

“Kill, it’s not your fault,” she said.

Killian knew Audrey was just trying to make him feel better, but he didn’t feel better. He felt guilty. He was driving the car. He should’ve seen it coming. He should’ve acted faster. His mind was filled with all the ‘could’ve, should’ve, and would haves’. Maybe if he had swerved the car faster, or maybe if he had been more vigilant, then maybe his brother would still be alive.

“Kill…” Audrey spoke again, pulling him from his train of thought.

“Yeah?”

“I don't know how I can go on like this,” she shook her head and her tears were uncontrollable. “My heart hurts so bad…”

Audrey never felt this much pain before. It was even worse than the pain of losing her mom to cancer when she was sixteen. Caspian went away so suddenly. It was so unnecessarily cruel. The pain was too much to bear that Audrey thought death would’ve been a much better way out.

“I know it’s hard, love. But you have to keep going,” Killian sighed. He held her tighter in his arms and kissed the top of her head. “You have at least two people counting on you,”

Audrey stopped crying for a moment and looked up at Killian’s piercing blue eyes. He let out a weak smile and pressed his forehead onto hers.

“Me and the baby,” he said again. “We’re counting on you,”

Audrey glanced down to her stomach and she felt something stirring inside her chest. Killian was right. As painful as this was, Audrey couldn’t give up. Caspian died protecting her and this baby. She owed it to him to continue on living.

“Kill… I love him,” she croaked.

“I know,” Killian nodded.

“I love him so much,”

“I know,”

Audrey closed her eyes again and the tears continued to fall. Her hands clung to Killian’s shoulders and she realized that she would never get a chance to hold Caspian like this again. She would never see his smile again. She would never feel his touch again.

“I love him, Kill. I love him…”

That was all that Audrey could say. She kept repeating the words because she truly meant it. She never got a chance to say it one more time to Caspian. That was maybe her one biggest regret. She could only hope he was somehow hearing this.

“I love him so, so much...”

“I know, baby, I know,” Killian cooed and stroked her hair. He sighed and held her in his arms as tightly as he could. “I love him too,”

Audrey broke down even more. She was crying and shaking so badly, she couldn’t even stand on her own two feet. If it wasn’t for Killian holding her, she’d already fallen to the floor. He patiently held and stroked her hair. He kissed the top of her head and listened to her cries. And for the rest of the night, Audrey clung to Killian’s body like it was her only lifeline.

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- - - - - To Be Continued - - - - -