Chapter 70 LOVE OR NEW YORK
Alex
Alex typed and deleted three different responses. His fingers were hovering over the screen.
“Don’t respond yet,” Des said. “Think first. What do you actually want?”
“I want him to stay. I already said that.”
“No. What do you want? Not what you think you should want. What actually makes you happy?”
Alex thought about it. Really thought.
“I want him to be happy. Even if that means leaving.”
“Then tell him that.”
“But if he leaves, we’re over. Long distance won’t work. Not with my dissertation. Not with everything.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. But you can’t ask him to give up his dreams. That’s not love. That’s control.”
“So what do I do? Let him go? Cancel the wedding?”
“Or you figure out a way to make both things work. But first, you have to be honest about what you can handle.”
Alex stared at his phone. At Elias’s message. At the choice being offered.
He called instead of texting.
Elias answered immediately. “Alex?”
“Don’t decline it.”
“What?”
“The program. Don’t decline it because of me. That’s not fair to either of us.”
“But you said to choose. I’m choosing you.”
“By giving up something you’ve dreamed about since undergrad? That’s not choosing. That’s sacrificing. And eventually, you’ll resent me for it.”
Elias was quiet. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying we need to talk. Really talk. About what we both want. Not what we think we should want. What we actually want.”
“Okay. Come home. Let’s talk.”
Alex drove back. His heart is pounding. His mind was racing with possibilities. All of them scary.
At home, Elias was sitting on the couch. His laptop is open. The acceptance letter is on the screen.
“I didn’t decline it yet,” Elias said. “Waited for you.”
“Good.” Alex sat next to him. Not touching. Creating space. “Tell me about the program. What makes it special?”
“It’s NYU. Top-ranked. My advisor would be someone I’ve admired for years. The funding is full. Stipend plus tuition. It’s everything I wanted when I first applied to grad school.”
“Why didn’t you go then?”
“Because I met you. And staying felt more important.”
“And now?”
“Now I don’t know. I love you. I want to marry you. But I also want this. And I hate that I have to choose.”
“What if you don’t have to choose?”
“What do you mean?”
“What if we figure out a way to do both? You go to New York. I finish here. We make it work somehow.”
“Long distance? For how long? Two years minimum. Maybe more.”
“That’s a long time.”
“It is. And I don’t know if we’d survive it. We barely survived Carter and Ashley and everything else. How do we survive two years apart?”
Alex didn’t have an answer. Because Elias was right. Long distance would be hard. Maybe impossible.
“What if I came with you?” Alex asked.
“You can’t. Your dissertation. Your advisor. Your whole program is here.”
“I could transfer.”
“You’d hate it. You’d resent me. Just like I’d resent you if I stayed.”
They sat in heavy silence. The weight of the decision is crushing.
“Maybe we’re not supposed to get married,” Alex said quietly.
“Don’t say that.”
“Why not? Maybe the universe is telling us something. That we’re too young. That we want different things. That love isn’t enough.”
“Love is enough. It has to be.”
“Is it? Because right now it feels like we’re forcing something that doesn’t fit.”
Elias’s eyes filled. “What are you saying? You want to call off the wedding?”
“I don’t know what I want. Yesterday I was planning our future. Today I don’t know if we have one.”
“We do. We always have. We just have to figure out how.”
“How, Elias? Tell me how we make this work. Because I don’t see it.”
“We postpone. Put the wedding on hold. I go to New York. You stay here. We visit when we can. Video chat every day. Make it work for two years. Then when we’re both done, we figure out where to live together.”
“That’s not a life. That’s waiting. Putting everything on hold.”
“It’s temporary. Just until we’re both finished.”
“Two years minimum. That’s not temporary. That’s forever when you’re twenty-three.”
“So what’s the alternative? I give up the program? You give up your dissertation? We both sacrifice and end up miserable?”
“Maybe. Or maybe we break up. Let each other go. Pursue our dreams separately.”
The words sat between them. Terrible and honest.
“You don’t mean that,” Elias said.
“Don’t I? Maybe we’re holding on because we’re scared. Because we’ve been through so much. But that doesn’t mean we’re supposed to be together forever.”
“I don’t believe that. I believe we’re meant to be.”
“Based on what? A letter I sent three years ago? Some romantic idea of fate?”
“Based on the fact that we love each other. That we’ve fought for this. That giving up now throws away everything we’ve built.”
“Or it acknowledges that we want different things. That love isn’t always enough.”
Elias stood up. Started pacing. His hands are in fists. “I can’t believe you’re saying this. Two weeks before our wedding.”
“I can’t believe you applied to leave without telling me. But here we are.”
“That’s not fair. I was going to tell you.”
“When? After the wedding? After I’d already committed my life to you?”
“No. This week. I swear. I just needed to figure out what I wanted first.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you. And I want the program. I want both.”
“That’s not an option.”
“Why not? Why can’t we figure this out?”
“Because one of us has to sacrifice. And I’m tired of being the one who sacrifices.”
“When have you sacrificed?”
“I almost left grad school because of you. I put my life on hold when James was in the hospital. I’ve rearranged everything around us. Around making this work.”
“And I turned down a program three years ago. I stayed when I could have gone. I’ve sacrificed too.”
“And now you want to leave. So what was the point? What was any of it for?”
“For us. For building something. For trying.”
“Trying isn’t enough. Either we’re committed or we’re not.”
“I am committed. Why is that so hard to believe?”
“Because committed people don’t apply to leave. They don’t keep secrets. They choose their partner over everything else.”
“That’s not fair. You’re asking me to give up my dreams to prove I love you.”
“No. I’m asking you to be honest. About what you want. About what you’re willing to fight for.”
“I’m willing to fight for us. I’m just not willing to give up everything else.”
“Then maybe that’s your answer.”
Elias stopped pacing. Looked at him. “What does that mean?”
“It means you should go. To New York. Pursue your dreams. Without me holding you back.”
“I don’t want to go without you.”
“But you want to go. That’s enough.”
“Alex.”
“No. You’ve made your choice. Even if you don’t want to admit it. You want the program. You should take it.”
“And us?”
“I don’t know. Maybe we can postpone the wedding. See how far distance goes. Maybe we break up. Figure ourselves out separately.”
“I don’t want to break up.”
“Neither do I. But I also don’t want to marry someone who’s already planning their exit.”
“I’m not planning an exit.”
“You applied to a program across the country. That’s an exit. Whether you meant it that way or not.”
Elias sat back down. His head in his hands. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Neither do I.”
They sat in painful silence. The apartment is too quiet. The future is too uncertain.
“Can I ask you something?” Elias said finally.
“Yeah.”
“If I decline the program. Stay here. Marry you in two weeks. Will you ever forgive me for hesitating?”
Alex thought about it. Honest answer. “I don’t know.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means even if I stay, we’re broken. Because you’ll always wonder if I wanted to leave. If I chose you out of guilt instead of love.”
“Did you?”
“No. But you’ll never really believe that.”
“Because you didn’t tell me. You kept it secret. That’s the problem.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. But I can’t undo it. So what now?”
“Now we decide. Together. What we actually want.”
“I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”
“But you also want the program.”
“Yes.”
“Then go. Take it. Don’t give it up for me.”
“And the wedding?”
“We postpone. Call it an engagement extension. Give ourselves time to figure out if long distance works.”
“What if it doesn’t?”
“Then at least we tried. At least neither of us gave up our dreams.”
Elias reached for his hand. “I love you.”
“I love you too. That’s not the question.”
“Then what is?”
“The question is whether love is enough. And honestly? I don’t know anymore.”
They sat holding hands, both were scared and uncertain.
The wedding was in two weeks.
And neither of them knew if it would happen.