Chapter 24 NOT A SECRET
Elias
One week of seeing Alex every day and Elias was completely gone.
They fell into a routine. Lunch together. Coffee after Alex’s classes. Walking across campus holding hands while other students pretended not to stare.
Elias didn’t care about the staring. Let them look. Let them whisper. Alex was worth it.
But Alex cared. Elias could tell by the way his hand would tighten when they passed groups of students. The way he’d pull away if they saw someone from Elias’s department.
On Friday, exactly one week after Valentine’s Day, Professor Hartley called Elias into her office.
“Sit,” she said.
Elias sat. His stomach dropped. “Is something wrong?”
“That depends. Are you dating one of your students?”
“No. Alex isn’t in any of my sections. He’s not even in classes I assist with.”
“But he is an undergrad.”
“Yes.”
Professor Hartley leaned back in her chair. “I’m not saying this to judge. I’m saying it because people are talking. And you need to be careful.”
“We’re not doing anything wrong.”
“I know that. But perception matters, especially for you. You’re graduating in four months. References matter. Reputation matters.”
Elias’s jaw tightened. “So what are you saying?”
“I’m saying be smart. Be discreet. Don’t give anyone ammunition.” She softened. “I’m happy for you, Elias. Really. I don’t want this to blow back on either of you.”
When Elias left her office, his hands were shaking. He texted Alex immediately.
Elias: Can we talk? In person?
Alex: What’s wrong
Elias: Nothing bad. Just need to see you.
They met at their bench. The one where Alex had waited after running. Where they’d had their first real conversation.
“What happened?” Alex asked.
“Hartley talked to me. People have noticed us. They’re talking.”
Alex’s face went pale. “About what?”
“About us. About me being a TA and you being an undergrad. It’s not against any rules since you’re not my student, but people don’t care about details.”
“So what do we do?”
“I don’t know. Be more careful, I guess. Less obvious.”
Alex pulled his hand away. The loss of contact hurt more than it should.
“We haven’t even kissed yet and people are already talking,” Alex said quietly.
“Does that bother you?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” Alex pressed his palms against his eyes. “I knew this would happen. I knew people would notice and talk and make it weird.”
“It’s not weird. We’re not doing anything wrong.”
“It feels wrong when you say we have to hide.”
“I’m not saying hide. Just be careful.”
“That’s the same thing.”
They sat in tense silence. Elias wanted to reach for Alex’s hand but didn’t. Proving Alex’s point.
“I don’t want to stop seeing you,” Elias said.
“But?”
“But maybe we need to be smarter about it. Off campus more. Less hand-holding in public.”
“So hiding.”
“Alex.”
“No, you’re right. I get it.” Alex stood up. “I should go. I have class.”
“Wait.”
But Alex was already walking away. Not running this time. Just leaving.
Elias sat there for a long time. The bench felt cold without Alex next to him.
His phone stayed silent all afternoon. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
At six, Elias couldn’t take it anymore. He drove to Alex’s dorm. Texted from the parking lot.
Elias: I’m outside. Can we please talk?
Five minutes passed. Ten.
Then Alex appeared. Hands shoved in his cardigan pockets. Face carefully blank.
“Hi,” Elias said.
“Hi.”
“Can we go somewhere? Talk properly?”
“Where? On campus where will people see? Or off campus where we can hide?”
“Alex, that’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it?” Alex’s voice was sharp. “You’re asking me to be careful. To not hold your hand. To what? Pretend we’re just friends?”
“I’m asking you to help me protect both of us.”
“From what? From people knowing you’re dating someone?”
“From people making this into something it’s not. From rumors that could hurt your reputation or mine.”
Alex laughed. Bitter. “I don’t have a reputation to protect. I’m invisible, remember? You’re the one people actually notice.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?”
Elias ran his hands through his hair. “I just got out of something that destroyed me. I’m trying not to let this get destroyed before it even really starts.”
Alex’s expression softened slightly. “Carter.”
“Yeah. People talked then too. Made our relationship into gossip. Into entertainment. I don’t want that happening to us.”
“I am not him.”
“I know. But I’m still scared of losing this. Of losing you.”
They stood in the parking lot while other students walked past. Going about their normal lives while Elias’s felt like it was falling apart.
“I don’t want to hide you,” Elias said quietly. “I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you in public. I want everyone to know you’re mine. But I also want to protect you from the shit that comes with being with someone like me.”
“Someone like you?”
“Someone graduating. Someone who doesn’t know what he’s doing. Someone people talk about.”
Alex was quiet for a long moment. Then: “Can I show you something?”
“Okay.”
They walked to the library. Third floor. Alex’s spot by the window.
“This is where I used to watch you,” Alex said. “From here, I could see you but you couldn’t see me. Safe. Invisible.”
“Alex…”
“Let me finish. I watched you for months from this spot. Safe behind glass and distance. And I was so lonely I could barely breathe.” Alex turned to face him. “I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want to be safe and invisible anymore.”
“I’m not asking you to be invisible.”
“You’re asking me to be careful. To hide. That’s close enough.”
Elias’s chest hurt. “So what do you want?”
“I want you to decide if you actually want this. If you want me. Because I can’t do halfway. I can’t be your secret.”
“You’re not my secret.”
“Then prove it.”
Elias stared at him. At this boy who’d been brave enough to write those letters. Brave enough to show up. Brave enough to demand more.
“Okay,” Elias said.
“Okay, what?”
“You’re right. I’m scared and I’m trying to protect myself by protecting you and that’s not fair.” Elias stepped closer. “I want this. I want you. And I don’t care who knows.”
“You’re just saying that.”
“I’m not.”
Elias reached for Alex’s hand. Alex let him take it.
“I’m sorry,” Elias said. “For making you feel like you had to hide. For letting fear win.”
“I’m scared too.”
“I know. But maybe we can be scared together instead of apart.”
Alex’s fingers tightened around his. “What about Hartley? The talking?”
“Let them talk. We’re not doing anything wrong.”
“People won’t see it that way.”
“Then we’ll prove them wrong.”
They stood there holding hands in the empty library. The sun is setting through the window. The same light that had fallen across Elias months ago when Alex first started watching.
“Can I ask you something?” Elias said.
“Yeah.”
“Can I kiss you?”
Alex’s breath caught. “Here?”
“Here. Now. If you want.”
“What if someone sees?”
“Then they see.”
Alex looked terrified. But he nodded.
Elias cupped his face with both hands. Gave him time to pull away. Alex didn’t.
Their lips met softly and carefully. Alex made a small sound. His hands came up to grip Elias’s jacket.
The kiss was brief. Gentle. Over too soon.
When Elias pulled back, Alex’s eyes were still closed.
“Okay?” Elias whispered.
“Yeah. Really okay.”
“Can I do it again?”
“Please.”
This time Alex kissed back.