Chapter 25 DEAR E
Alex
Alex couldn’t feel his legs.
He was kissing Elias. Actually kissing him. In the library where he’d spent months watching from a distance.
Elias’s hands were warm against his face. His lips are soft and careful. Like Alex was something precious that might break.
When they finally pulled apart, Alex couldn’t open his eyes. Couldn’t face the reality of what just happened.
“Hey,” Elias whispered. “Look at me.”
Alex opened his eyes. Elias was smiling. Soft and real and just for him.
“Was that okay?” Elias asked.
“Yeah. Really okay.”
“Good. Because I’ve been wanting to do that for a week.”
“Only a week?”
“Okay, maybe longer. Since the letters, probably.”
Alex’s face burned. “Me too.”
They stood there. Close enough that Alex could feel Elias’s breath. Could smell his cologne mixed with coffee and something uniquely him.
“What now?” Alex asked.
“Now we're going to get dinner. Like normal people on a normal date.”
“We’re not normal.”
“No. But we can pretend for a few hours.”
They left the library holding hands. The sun had set completely. Campus lights made everything glow orange.
Alex waited for someone to stare. To point. To make this weird.
But nobody did. Students walked past without looking twice. Just two boys holding hands. Normal. Easy.
Maybe Elias was right. Maybe it didn’t matter what people thought.
They went to the Italian place again. Got the same table in the back. Ordered food that Alex actually tasted this time.
“Can I tell you something?” Elias said.
“Always.”
“I was so scared to kiss you. Thought maybe I’d be bad at it or you’d change your mind or I’d mess it up somehow.”
“You didn’t mess it up.”
“Good. Because I want to do it again. A lot.”
Alex’s face went hot. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. If that’s okay.”
“It’s very okay.”
They ate and talked and Alex felt lighter than he had all day. The fight from earlier felt distant. Less important.
After dinner, Elias drove him back to campus. Parked in the lot behind Alex’s dorm.
“Thanks for today,” Alex said. “Even the fighting part.”
“Why the fighting part?”
“Because you listened. You didn’t just tell me to deal with it. You actually heard me.”
“I always want to hear you.” Elias reached across the console. Took his hand. “Even when you’re mad at me. Especially then.”
“I wasn’t really mad. Just scared.”
“Of what?”
“That you’d realize this was too complicated and give up.”
“I’m not giving up. I told you. I’m in this.”
Alex looked at their joined hands. The way Elias’s thumb rubbed circles on his wrist. Such a small gesture. It made his chest ache.
“Can I ask you something?” Alex said.
“Anything.”
“The grad program. The one across the country. Are you still thinking about it?”
Elias was quiet for a moment. “Yes. But also no.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I don’t know what I want anymore. A month ago, leaving felt like the only option. Now…”
“Now what?”
“Now I have a reason to stay. And that changes things.”
Alex’s stomach dropped. “Don’t stay for me.”
“Why not?”
“Because what if it doesn’t work out? What if we try and fail and you give up your future for nothing?”
“Are you nothing? Alex.”
“You know what I mean.”
Elias squeezed his hand. “I know you’re scared. I am too. But I’m not making any decisions without thinking it through. And whatever I decide, it won’t be just because of you. It’ll be because it’s what I want.”
“What do you want?”
“I don’t know yet. That’s the scary part.”
They sat in silence. The car engine was ticking as it cooled. Other students walking past in the dark.
“Will you tell me?” Alex asked. “When you figure it out?”
“You’ll be the first to know.”
Alex nodded. Tried to push down the fear building in his chest. Four months until graduation. Four months until Elias might leave.
Four months that suddenly felt like nothing.
“I should go,” Alex said. “Des is probably having a breakdown wondering where I am.”
“Okay. But Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I kiss you goodnight?”
Alex’s heart jumped. “Here? In the parking lot?”
“If that’s okay.”
It wasn’t really okay. Anyone could see. But Alex nodded anyway.
Elias leaned across the console. Cupped Alex’s face. Kissed him soft and slow.
When they pulled apart, Alex was breathless.
“Goodnight,” Elias whispered.
“Goodnight.”
Alex got out of the car on shaking legs. Walked to his dorm without looking back. If he looked back, he’d want to kiss Elias again. And again. And maybe never stop.
Inside, Des was lying on his bed scrolling through his phone. He looked up when Alex walked in.
“Well?”
“We kissed.”
Des sat up so fast he almost fell off the bed. “WHAT. When? Where? Tell me everything.”
“Library. Third floor. Like an hour ago.”
“Was it good?”
Alex touched his lips. They still felt warm. “Yeah. Really good.”
“I knew it. I knew this week was leading somewhere.” Des grinned. “So what now?”
“I don’t know. We’re dating, I guess. Officially.”
“You guess?”
“We are. We’re dating.”
Saying it out loud made it real. Made his chest feel too full and too empty at the same time.
His phone buzzed.
Elias: I can’t stop thinking about kissing you
Alex smiled despite himself.
Alex: Me neither
Elias: Tomorrow?
Alex: Yes
Elias: Good. Sleep well.
Alex: You too
He set down his phone. Des was watching him with a knowing look.
“You’re in deep,” Des said.
“I know.”
“Like, really deep.”
“I know.”
“So what happens when he graduates?”
Alex had been trying not to think about that. “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.”
“Will you though? Four months isn’t a lot of time.”
“Des.”
“I’m just saying. You should talk about it. Make a plan.”
“We are talking about it.”
“Are you? Or are you just hoping it works out?”
Alex didn’t answer. Because Des was right. They were hoping. But hope wasn’t a plan.
That night, Alex lay in bed staring at the ceiling. His lips are still tingling. His heart is still racing.
He’d kissed Elias. Finally. After months of watching and wanting and writing.
But the kiss came with a timer. Four months until graduation. Four months until everything changed.
Alex pulled out his phone. Opened his notes app. Started writing.
Dear E,
I kissed you today. Well, you kissed me. But I kissed back. And now I can’t stop thinking about it. About you. About us.
Four months feels like forever and no time at all.
I’m scared of running out of time. Scared of losing you before I really have you.
Is that stupid? Probably.
But I wanted to write it down. Like the letters. Like before.
Because some things are still easier on paper.
He saved it. Didn’t send it. Just kept it for himself.
A reminder that this was real. That kissing Elias had happened. That whatever came next, they’d face it together.
Or at least, that’s what Alex hoped.
His phone lit up one more time.
Elias: Still thinking about you
Alex: Good
Elias: Goodnight Alex. For real this time.
Alex: Goodnight
Alex closed his eyes.
Four months.
They had four months to figure out if this could last.
Starting tomorrow.