Chapter 23 LEARNING EACH OTHER
Alex
Des ambushed him the second he walked in the door.
“Tell. Me. Everything.”
Alex dropped his bag. His face was still warm from holding Elias’s hand. “We had coffee.”
“And?”
“And we talked.”
“Alex, I swear to god, if you don’t give me details I’m going to lose my mind.” Des grabbed his shoulders. “Was it good? Bad? Awkward? Did you kiss?”
“No kissing. It was awkward at first. Then better.” Alex collapsed onto his bed. “We’re seeing each other again tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? Like, actually tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
Des whistled. “He’s not wasting time.”
“That’s what I said.”
“So what are you doing tomorrow?”
“I don’t know. He didn’t say.” Alex pulled out his phone. Stared at Elias’s last message. “Is it weird that we’re seeing each other every day?”
“It’s weird that you’re questioning it. Most people would be happy.”
“I am happy. I think. I’m also terrified.”
“Of what?”
“That this is moving too fast. That I’m going to mess it up. That he’s going to realize I’m not…” Alex trailed off.
“Not what?”
“Not worth this much effort.”
Des sat on his own bed, facing Alex. “Okay. Listen. This guy wrote you back. Multiple times. He asked you to meet him. He searched for you for two hours after you ran. He asked you out again the literal next day. Does that sound like someone who thinks you’re not worth the effort?”
“Maybe he just feels bad for me.”
“Or maybe he actually likes you and you need to stop sabotaging yourself.”
Alex knew Des was right. Didn’t make it easier.
His phone buzzed.
Elias: Are you free for lunch tomorrow? I know a place off campus.
Alex: Okay
Elias: I’ll pick you up at noon.
Alex’s heart jumped. Pick him up. Like a real date. In Elias’s car. Alone together.
Alex: Okay
Elias: Great. Sleep well.
Alex stared at the messages. Three dots appeared. Disappeared. Appeared again.
Elias: I’m really glad you came back yesterday
Alex: Me too
Elias: Goodnight Alex
Alex: Goodnight
Des was grinning when Alex looked up. “You’re smiling.”
“I am not.”
“You absolutely are. Let me see.” Des grabbed for the phone. Alex pulled away but Des was faster. He read the messages and his grin got wider. “He’s picking you up? This is so domestic.”
“Give it back.”
“Not until you admit you’re happy.”
“I’m terrified.”
“You can be both.”
Des was right. Alex was both. Happy and terrified in equal measure.
That night he barely slept. Kept checking his phone. Elias didn’t text again but Alex kept hoping anyway.
Morning came too slow and too fast. Alex changed clothes three times before Des physically stopped him.
“You look fine. Better than fine. He’s already seen you in an oversized cardigan looking like a sad Victorian ghost. Anything is an improvement.”
“Thanks.”
“I’m helping.” Des handed him the blue shirt. “Wear this. Trust me.”
At 11:45, Alex was waiting outside his dorm. His stomach is doing flips. His hands are shaking.
At 11:52, a car pulled up. Dark blue sedan. Elias is in the driver’s seat.
Alex got in. The car smelled like coffee and old books and Elias’s cologne.
“Hi,” Elias said.
“Hi.”
They sat there for a moment. Neither knowing what to say.
“You look nice,” Elias finally said.
“Thanks. You too.”
Elias was wearing a grey sweater. Dark jeans. His hair was slightly damp like he’d just showered. Alex tried not to think about that.
“Ready?” Elias asked.
“Yeah.”
The restaurant was twenty minutes off campus. Small Italian place tucked between a bookstore and a dry cleaner. They got a table in the back. Quiet. Private.
“I come here sometimes,” Elias said. “When campus gets too loud.”
“It’s nice.”
“I thought maybe we could talk. Without everyone watching.”
“People were watching?”
“Yesterday in the café? Yeah. A few students from my sections. I saw them looking.”
Alex’s stomach dropped. “Does that bother you?”
“No. But I thought it might bother you.”
It did. A little. The idea of people watching. Talking. Knowing.
“I don’t care what they think,” Alex lied.
Elias reached across the table. Touched his hand. Just his fingertips against Alex’s knuckles. “You’re a terrible liar.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Just be honest with me.”
They ordered food. Alex got pasta that he barely tasted. Elias kept talking to fill the silences. About his classes. His thesis. Graduation looming.
“Four months,” Elias said. “Then I don’t know what happens.”
“What do you want to happen?”
“I got into a grad program. Literature. Across the country.” Elias pushed food around his plate. “I deferred last year. After my breakup. But they said I could still go this fall if I want.”
Alex’s chest went cold. “Are you going?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t know if I had a reason to stay.” Elias looked up. Met his eyes. “But now maybe I do.”
“You shouldn’t stay for me. We just started this.”
“I know. But I want to consider it. Is that okay?”
Alex didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know if it was okay to be someone’s reason to stay.
“Can I ask you something?” Elias said.
“Yeah.”
“What do you want? From this. From us.”
“I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.”
“Me neither. Not like this.”
“You said you dated before.”
“I did. But it wasn’t…” Elias paused. Choose his words carefully. “It wasn’t like this. We didn’t talk like this. It felt more like performing than being real.”
“What was his name?”
“Carter. We broke up a year ago.”
“What happened?”
Elias’s jaw tightened. “He said I was too much. Too intense. Too exhausting to love. So he left.”
Alex’s hand moved before he could think. Covered Elias’s on the table. “You’re not too much.”
“You don’t know that yet.”
“Yes, I do. You wrote me six letters. You waited at that rose arch. You’re here now. That’s not too much. That’s just caring.”
Elias’s eyes were suddenly bright. He blinked hard. “Sorry. I don’t usually…”
“It’s okay.”
They sat there holding hands across the table. The restaurant hummed with other conversations. Other people’s normal days.
“I want to try,” Elias said quietly. “This. Us. Whatever it is. I want to try even though I’m scared.”
“Me too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Elias smiled. Soft and real and just for Alex.
After lunch, they didn’t want to go back to campus yet. Elias drove to a park nearby. Empty on a weekday afternoon.
They walked through bare trees and cold air. Their breath makes clouds between them.
“Can I hold your hand?” Elias asked.
“You don’t have to ask.”
“I want to. I don’t want to assume.”
Alex held out his hand. Elias took it.
They walked in comfortable silence. The awkwardness from yesterday was mostly gone. Replaced with something easier. More natural.
“I like this,” Alex said.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. The not talking. Just being.”
“Me too.”
When they got back to campus, Elias walked him to his dorm again.
“Same time tomorrow?” Elias asked.
“You really want to see me every day?”
“Is that bad?”
“No. I just don’t want you to get sick of me.”
“I won’t.” Elias squeezed his hand. “I promise.”
They stood there. Close. Not quite touching except for their linked hands.
“Can I try something?” Elias asked.
“What?”
Elias reached up. Tucked Alex’s hair behind his ear as he had before. But this time his hand lingered. Palm against Alex’s cheek. Warm and steady.
“Is this okay?” Elias whispered.
Alex couldn’t speak. Just nodded.
Elias’s thumb brushed across his cheekbone. Once. Soft.
Then he stepped back. Dropped his hand.
“Tomorrow,” Elias said.
“Tomorrow.”
Alex watched him walk away. Then went inside where Des was waiting.
“Well?”
“We held hands.”
“And?”
“And he touched my face.”
“Oh my god, you’re blushing.”
“I know.”
Des laughed. “You’ve got it so bad.”
Alex touched his cheek where Elias’s hand had been.
“Yeah,” he said. “I really do.“