Chapter 21 STARTING OVER
Alex
Alex stared at Elias’s outstretched hand.
Snow caught in Elias’s hair. His grey jacket was damp at the shoulders. His fingers were steady even though his eyes looked nervous.
“Start over?” Alex’s voice came out barely a whisper.
“Yeah. Like we’re meeting for the first time. Like I don’t know you wrote me six letters and you don’t know I’ve been falling apart waiting for you.” Elias’s hand didn’t waver. “Just two people. Meeting.”
Alex looked at that hand. Strong fingers. Clean nails. A small scar across the knuckles.
He took it.
Elias’s hand was warm. Solid. Real in a way that made Alex’s chest tight.
“I’m Elias,” Elias said. His thumb brushed across Alex’s knuckles. Once. Soft.
“Alex.”
“Alex,” Elias said as if he were testing the sound. “I like that.”
They stood there holding hands in the snow. People walked past. Nobody looked twice, just two boys in a quad full of couples.
But Alex felt seen. Completely, terrifyingly seen.
“I’m sorry I ran,” Alex said again.
“You came back. That’s what matters.” Elias squeezed his hand gently. “Can we sit? Talk?”
Their bench was covered in snow. Elias brushed it off with his free hand, still holding Alex’s with the other. Like he was afraid Alex would disappear if he let go.
They sat. Close enough that their shoulders touched. Elias finally released his hand and Alex immediately missed the warmth.
“I have questions,” Elias said.
“Okay.”
“When did it start? The watching?”
Alex pulled his coat tighter. “November third. You were reading Mrs. Dalloway in the library. Third floor. You had your headphones in and you were so focused you didn’t notice someone had been trying to get your attention for like five minutes.”
Elias’s mouth quirked. Almost a smile. “You remember the date?”
“I remember everything.”
“Like what?”
“You drink your coffee black. You always sit by the window. You underline in pencil, never pen. You push your glasses up when you’re thinking. You bite your bottom lip when you’re reading something sad.” Alex’s face burned. “I told you. I remember everything.”
Elias was quiet for a long moment. When Alex finally looked at him, Elias was staring with something like wonder.
“That’s not creepy,” Elias said softly. “That’s just paying attention.”
“It feels creepy.”
“It’s not.” Elias shifted closer. “Can I tell you something? I felt you watching. Not in a bad way. In a way that made me feel less alone.”
“You said that in your letter.”
“I meant it.” Elias pulled out his phone. Scrolled through photos. Found one. “Look.”
It was from the library. Study session with someone. But in the background, barely visible, was a figure in an oversized cardigan. Face turned away.
“That’s you, isn’t it?” Elias asked.
Alex nodded.
“I’ve been trying to figure out who you were for weeks. Looking at this photo, I think it would give me answers.” Elias put his phone away. “And you were right there. In the bookstore. The café. The lecture hall. Right there and I didn’t see you.”
“I’m good at being invisible.”
“You’re not invisible to me. Not anymore.”
The snow was falling harder now. Alex’s jeans were getting wet from the bench. He didn’t care.
“Why did you run?” Elias asked. “At the arch. You saw me and you ran.”
“I got scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of disappointing you. Of being real instead of just words on paper. Of you looking at me and realizing I’m not worth it.”
Elias turned to face him fully. “Alex. Look at me.”
Alex did. Those grey-blue eyes up close were devastating.
“You wrote me into caring again,” Elias said. “You made me feel seen when I thought I was invisible. You said things in those letters that I’ve never been able to say out loud. How could you possibly think you’re not worth it?”
“Because on paper I’m brave. In person, I can barely speak.”
“You’re speaking now.”
“Barely.”
“That’s enough.” Elias’s hand moved like he wanted to touch Alex’s face but stopped himself. “Can I ask you something else?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still want this? Whatever this is?”
Alex’s heart was hammering. “Yes.”
“Even though I’m graduating in four months?”
“Yes.”
“Even though I’m a mess who doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life?”
“You’re not a mess. And yes.”
Elias finally smiled. Really smiled. It changed his whole face. Made him look younger. Lighter.
“Good,” Elias said. “Because I’ve been falling for you for weeks and I don’t know how to stop.”
“I’ve been falling since November.”
“That’s not fair. You had a head start.”
Alex almost laughed. Almost. “So what now?”
“Now we figure it out. Together. No more hiding behind letters. No more watching from far away.” Elias stood up. Held out his hand again. “Come on.”
“Where?”
“Coffee. Somewhere warm where we can actually talk.”
Alex took his hand and let Elias pull him up. They walked across campus, hands linked, and Alex felt like everyone was staring. Like the whole world could see.
But when he looked around, nobody was paying attention. Just two boys walking in the snow.
Normal. Easy. Real.
The café was crowded but they found a corner table. Elias ordered for both of them while Alex sat and tried to believe this was happening.
“Black coffee, right?” Elias said, setting down the cup.
“You remembered.”
“I remember everything too.”
They sat across from each other. Close enough to touch but not touching. The table felt like safety and distance all at once.
“Tell me something,” Elias said. “Something you didn’t put in the letters.”
Alex thought about it. “I’m a literature major. I want to write someday but I’m too scared to show anyone my work.”
“Will you show me?”
“Maybe. Someday.”
“I’ll wait.” Elias wrapped his hands around his mug. “My turn. I’m terrified of graduation because I don’t know what comes after.”
“What do you want to come after?”
“I don’t know. That’s the scary part.” Elias met his eyes. “But I know I want you in it. However, that works.”
Alex’s chest felt too full. “We just met.”
“We’ve been writing for three weeks. That counts.”
“Does it?”
“Yeah. It does.”
They talked until the café started closing. About books and classes and fear and hope. About everything and nothing. And it was easier than Alex expected. Not easy, but easier.
When they finally left, the snow had stopped. The campus looked clean and new.
“Can I walk you back to your dorm?” Elias asked.
“Okay.”
They walked slowly. Taking the long way. Neither wanted it to end.
At Alex’s building, they stopped.
“So,” Elias said.
“So.”
“Can I see you again? Like, officially? Not just running into each other?”
“Like a date?”
“Yeah. Like a date.”
Alex’s face burned. “Okay.”
“Tomorrow?”
“You don’t waste time.”
“I’ve wasted enough time already.” Elias smiled. “Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow.”
Elias stepped closer. Close enough that Alex could smell his cologne. Something woody and warm.
“Thank you,” Elias said quietly.
“For what?”
“For coming back. For being brave. For letting me see you.”
Then Elias did something that made Alex’s heart stop. He reached up and tucked a strand of Alex’s hair behind his ear. Just that. Nothing more.
But it felt like everything.
“Goodnight, Alex.”
“Goodnight.”
Alex watched Elias walk away into the dark. Watched until I couldn’t see him anymore.
Then he went inside and immediately texted Des.
Alex: I didn’t run
Des: TELL ME EVERYTHING
But Alex couldn’t type it. Couldn’t put into words what had just happened.
So he just sent:
Alex: We have a date tomorrow
Des: ALEX OH MY GOD
Alex smiled at his phone.
Then looked out his window at the quad below.
No more watching from a distance.
Tomorrow, he’d see Elias again.
And this time, he wouldn’t run.