Chapter 57

L I N D Y

Saint Francis Sanitarium had a different way of treatment which had been pretty much helpful for my recovery. They also had strict rules about visitors, no one was really allowed to see the patients who are under treatments like me to avoid problems, complications and miscalculations. There was no cellphones allowed inside and Wi-Fi as well to avoid any social media.

Although they allowed gifts from the outside, it was still hard not being able to see everyone. I didn’t let my negative emotions get the worst of me because I had to be strong for myself and my kids and for everyone else who is waiting for me to head out of this mental facility.

I faced this battle head on and even though it was hard for me to accept the changes that I have had, emotionally and mentally, I am still very thankful for the support that I am getting from my family, friends and of course Harry.

Harry has been sending me hand written letters every day which is something I always look forward to. It felt like we were living in the 70s and 80s where people communicated and fell in love in letters. I sent him letters too since we were allowed inside to make one during our recreational activities.

I miss everyone a lot.

I miss my parents. I miss Avery and her daughter. I miss the lads. I miss Martha so much and our laughter together. I miss Gemma. I miss my twins. And most to all, I badly miss Harry.

I cannot wait to see everyone after I come out here.

When the whole world knew that I was admitted in a sanitarium, everyone had a lot to say as if they know what happened to me. Everyone started judging me as a woman, as a girlfriend and as a mother to my kids for my mental illness and that put a great toll on my life.

It was hard being judged like this and like that because no one knew except for Harry and my family what it was actually like to live like this way. No one knew how hard it was for me to go on with my life acting normal when I keep hearing voices and seeing things which are not true. It was hard. It was so hard, yet people say horrible things easily without thinking.

I no longer minded what they were actually saying about me. Even though ignoring them is something pretty hard to do, I know I had to. It was pretty much unhealthier for my recovery but then I can’t help but think that I am dragging Harry’s name to shame for being admitted here. I can’t stop blaming myself why things happened but when I got inside here, I realized that I was a victim and that I needn’t have to blame myself because I did what I can to protect myself.

The first days in the asylum was hard for me. It was hard to adjust that for the next months this will be my home. Seeing other patients who were mostly struggling with their mental illness and other patients who would scream and go hysterical just because they are having a tantrum is pretty much terrifying.

I tried to force myself into thinking that I am not crazy.

Before I was admitted, I have always felt incredibly sad, angry and always on the edge like someone is always there watching me. Sometimes I would like someone is chasing me and I can hear Bailey’s voices and Griffin’s too. There are days when I would succumb to the voices and I can’t help but reenact the things that happened that night.

I was mentally unstable and I didn’t even know that I was, until Harry had pointed that out for me. I didn’t know and I was not well aware of my actions if Harry did not tell me anything.

I have lived that way a month or two after the accident happened and I guess what happened that night was mentally engraved in my head pretty badly that it caused me such great trauma. I would always have nightmares about it. I would have a hard time falling asleep worrying that there is someone staring at me. I would always make double sure that I lock and unlock and lock the doors and windows in case someone would come inside and harm my kids.

I didn’t know I was doing those things in hysteria.

It was absolutely difficult for me.

When I started my sessions with Doctor Daphne, she was pretty much the easiest to talk to. She was calm, understanding and a great listener too. There’s just this incredible peace that she exudes with and it really touches you.

She mentioned to me that I would have a chance to fight back against my illness if I help myself get better. She also mentioned that it would even help me if I would be admitted to the asylum since the hospital offers activities that really helps people having issues mentally. She said that it would help me.

It was something worth risking for because once I admit myself inside, there is no turning back. Once I admit myself, people would then label me as crazy and I wish people would stop that kind of mentality because the brokenness and struggle that those patients have been dealing with for months and years, is not a joke.

Mental illness is not a joke that needs to be ridiculed and laughed at. And I wish people would get the chance to understand why some people would want to admit to a facility, not because they crazy but because they are experiencing trauma and depression. People need to understand that the battle is not easy.

The first time I got into the facility, I was incredibly scared and nervous. I think Harry was too but he never showed it to me. The nurse got my body statistics and asked me questions about myself, she said it was precautionary measures for patients who were to be admitted. She was very accommodating and smiling too and she never made me feel as if there was something wrong with me.

After the check up, I got so lightheaded and really sleepy and I guess it came from the injection that the nurse gave me. When I woke up, I was already in my cell. I was admitted wearing the patient’s white gown on me and a band around my wrist. I was wearing a pair of white bottoms which was very comforting but the bed wasn’t. It wasn’t the nicest of all beds and it was only about four inches thick. The room was bland. There were no windows, no TV, no picture frames on the white wall but just the bed and the small sitting area where I see a few books.

I rushed to it and found a note which says: The lads and I personally chose these books for you to read while you are having your stay there. Think of it as a vacation in finding yourself again. We love you and we can’t wait to see you outside! -Harry

I smile after seeing that note and it truly made me smile. It was something I wanted to look forward to. There were different kind of books in here which was labeled by the guys’ name on who gave it. It was truly touching.

Days went by and I had a lot of adjusting in the facility. My nurse, Jessie, was incredibly sweet and a talker too. She tells me stories about her family and why she thinks that the patient in here are so strong for admitting themselves here. She inspires everyday with different Bible saying and how I should need to be closer to God.

In all honesty, I was never the religious type and not because I don’t want to but because I never actually believed in the whole celestial things. Every morning she would come to my room and tell me Bible inscriptions which became my thing since then. It was something I looked forward to every single morning and there was this healing kind of feeling that I felt every time I did it.

It felt like, I was closer to God.

The activities in the facility was fun too and it depended on how mentally stable you are to do it. Each patient has a different kind of way which is in their record that’s why the nurses keeps on them on track. The therapy talk and the group sessions held my ground since I met people who were also experiencing the same thing as me. We all had traumatic experiences and events that happened in our lives and how relatable it was hearing their stories of living in constant fear over something which is no longer there. It helped me a lot.

There were days when I would miss my family and I would cry to sleep or cry to Jessie about it when we would have Bible study in the morning. She tells me I need to be strong for my kids and she reminds me of how amazing my progress is which helps me continue healing and helping myself. Jessie was an amazing nurse and an all around listener to every single thing I tell her.

I stayed in the mental facility for about a year and three months and it was not easy. Having only handwritten letters from Harry and my family, it was difficult not seeing them and not hearing their voices. I miss them a lot. I miss all of them. I miss my son Ezekiel and my daughter Emerald. God, I miss Harry.

“I see you are finally leaving.”

I turn around and found nurse Jessie smiling at me. “Nurse Jessie.” I smile at her and rushed to her to give her a hug. “I thank you for everything you have done for me.” I say with a smile on my face.

She pulls herself away, “It is nice seeing you help yourself and become a better person.”

I nod. “You helped me a lot. “

“You helped me too.”

I chuckle, “You made me become closer to God. You made me put my trust in Him and that I should strengthen my faith to help myself move forward.”

“Oh Lindy, for the past year I saw you struggle and grow at the same time. It is truly admiring.”

“Thank you.”

“Well.” She chimes while pulling something out from her bag. “Since it is your departure day and I will awfully miss you, here is a gift.” She pulls out a new Bible. “I asked Father John to bless it for you.”

“Oh my gosh it’s beautiful.” I say as I accept it. “Thank you so much!” I hugged her again.

Once we were done with our conversation, she helped me out of the room and my emotions were surging from inside out. I didn’t know what to exactly feel knowing that I am finally going to be discharged from here. I felt a whole lot different and there was excitement, fear and this uncertainty of how the whole world and my family and friends would accept me after being admitted.

The day I stepped inside the facility, it was different. I was different. I had all this negative emotions inside me and I was always scared to death. But now, stepping out, finally, I feel a whole lot better. I feel calmer and happier than I have ever been. I feel like I am myself again and it has been so long since I felt this way.

When nurse Jessie walked me to the lobby, right then and there, my tears filled my eyes as soon as I see my parents and Harry carrying Ezekiel and Emerald. They were all smiling at me and seeing them again after more than a year long is indescribably heartwarming.

I ran my way towards them and hugged them as tight as I could. I hugged my dad who told me, “You are very brave Lindy. I’m so proud of you.” Those words even brought me to tears. I hugged mom who also whispered the words, “I know you could do it. We miss you.” I cried even more just hearing it coming from her.

“I miss you all so much.” I cried.

My eyes landed on my kids who were looking back at me with their beautiful green eyes. They have grown so big and so fast. “Hi Ezi and my baby Em.” I cooed as they were both smiling at me.

“Mama.” Ezekiel says with a wide smile which brought more tears to my eyes.

“Oh baby.” I cooed as I kiss his forehead then Emerald’s. I didn’t know being called that would feel to good. I didn’t know that he even knew how to say it.

To my surprise, Emerald started reaching out to me and looked like she wanted to transfer. I was too happy that even if I was away, they still know who I am. I gladly accepted her in my arms and kissed her puffy cheeks. “Hi baby.” I say as she rest her head against my shoulder and smiled at me.

Finally, I travelled my head back to Harry who is just smiling at me. His hair is shorter now and he looked neater too with his long hair out. He wears his usual pair of skintight jeans, white shirt and a dark brown Chelsea boots.

“Hi, you.” He says with tears in his eyes.

I feel my tears building again, “Hey, you.”

I landed into his chest the next second and hugged him back while the both of us cried together.

“I missed you.” He says while he keeps kissing my hair again and again as his arm held around me so tight.

“I missed you too.” I answered as I pulled my head up to him, “You waited for me.”

He nods, “I would never wait for anyone but you.” He plants a kiss on my lips.