Chapter 52 Heartbroken

Chapter 52 Heartbroken
ANDERS'S P.O.V 

"We won," the voices whispered. No laughter, no mirth.

I sat there, staring at the closed door, the smoke from the cigarette threatening to choke me. I closed my eyes for a brief second, then put it out on the ash tray, then leaned back. 

"She was scared," I said, my voice low, almost tentative. "Anyone would be scared in that moment."

"Are you really going to defend her even now? Are you reslly going to say that she would have acted any better under different circumstances?"

"Yes," I said simply. "I know you want me to punish her. I know you want to be happy that she reacted that way. But she was scared. I saw it in her eyes. Being scared is human. Not everyone can be us and... I don't want to punish her for being human."

There was a brief silence. I took in a deep breath, my cheek still slightly stinging, but something else stung more.

"Look at me, Anders."

I shook my head. "I don't want to."

"Look at me!"

I moved. Away from the desk and towards the small mirror on the far edge of the library shelf. I looked up to the glass, but my reflection was not staring back. In there was the thing that was inside of me.

The wolf that had manifested when I turned fifteen. The same wolf that mum had begged me to keep quiet about. The same wolf that had ruled underneath my skin till I wasn't sure where I ended, and it started.

I closed my eyes. The silver wolf used to be separate on the rare times I looked at the mirror and saw them. Now, they were mostly merged. Almost like the evil had won and the silver wolf; the little silver that I had managed to inherit, hadn't been strong enough to fight it.

"You are fucking pathetic, Anders. What next? Are you going to forgive? Go in there and curl up with her like a man starved of affection and carrying his heart on his sleeve?"

"Yes," I whispered, far too tired to lie. I brought the glass of whiskey to my lips and took a slow sip, letting it burn down my throat.

"Do you have no pride? Look at us, Anders. Have we ever begged for something so much? You saw the way she approached you today. Decisive, firm. Next time it will be with a knife. With wolfsbane. With fangs drawn to claw straight at your heart and I fear you will bot be able to stop her. I fear you will not..."

"Fear?"

"Yes. Fear. Have I ever been this vulnerable?"

I thought about it. I remember how calm I... we had been when I entered this very house and saw my mother, cold and dead. I remember how precise we had been when we killed Florence's wolf before my wolf went dormant.

I swallowed hard. "You have never been vulnerable."

There was a beat of silence.

"Think about everything we have done. How far we have come. Think about.."

"You liked her first," I said finally, my voice breaking. "Don't you remember? You saw her at the lake, and you stirred."

"I never liked her, Anders. I was scared, and your body that already found her attractive did not know the difference."

My eyes widened. 

"Yes. I am fucking scared of that woman, Anders. Something about her energy makes me want to rip you, her, this entire pack into unrecognisable pieces and I don't know how long I can pretend I need to stay in here and beg you to end her. You know how feral this can get. You know how dangerous we can be. End her. Let her bleed before she understands the power she holds. Give us her blood and avert this danger before she is the one to ruin us."

I closed my eyes as they stung hard. "I.... I can't. I can't do it. It feels like... like something inside of me will rip in pieces if she is hurt. I can't be the one to do it. I can't lie to you anymore. I don't need time. No amount of time will make me able to hurt Storm. She... she does things to me."

They looked almost disappointed. "Look at you."

My reflection slowly stared back at me. My fingers were shaking around the glass, the finger marks from earlier still stood stark against my skin. And in my left eye, just a tiny little thing was a single tear.

I didn't even cry when my mother died. 

"You are crying," said the dark wolf, voice low. "Have you fallen that deep? Or is this because you are heartbrken? Is this because you know that there would be no salvation beyond this? That it is either you or her, and it was never meant to be both of you?"

I closed my eyes. Yes. Fuck, yes, I am heartbroken. 

Because like a fucking fool, once she came into that shower, her eyes big and beautiful and asked me for permission to love me, something inside of me gave way. I tucked her in. Not in my heart. It was far too dark. The only clean place in my chest, and I... I protected her.

Somehow, that trust, that vulnerability, it didn't even last a day.

I slowly went on my knees, my chest heaving hard, my trembling hands slowly covering my face, my body shaking hard.

Fuck, Anders, no. Please don't do this.

But I already did it. When I mistook danger for attraction. When I fed my obsession off a platter of need, and when I stupidly began to want something that I should have never even looked at.

For the first time in my life, the only threat I could see was the reflection in the mirror. Whether it was me, my wolf, or me and Storm standing behind me staring straight at the mirror. 

How do I outrun something that lives within my own skin? How dare do I have to run before I look at my own ripped skin and see that I had outrun it? Or is this my sign to keep running forever?