Chapter 53: Edge of Cowardice

Storm's P.O.V

I watched the sun set again. Anders's essence slowly left my skin, almost like everything that was loyal to him had abandoned me.

I closed my eyes, my mind reeling. I had tried. God knows I had tried. But in the face of my own self-righteousness, I had shown myself the truth. That whatever emotions I had felt back then were surface and would never have survived the truth of what Anders truly was.

Now I am sitting here in the wreckage I made, fully aware that I wouldn't mind having him even if he was the monster everyone else had already seen.

I slowly stood up. Giving him space was tempting. Staying here and hoping he comes around would be what the Storm from before would have done. The coward. The one who listened to some celestial silver wolf over her own heart.

I walked straight to the studio and pushed the door open. I half expected Anders to be sitting there, still hurt, still needing me to leave.

He was there, but he was sitting, hunched over the desk, one hand under his head, his eyes closed.

He was asleep.

I closed the door behind me and walked towards the desk. His lips were very slightly parted, his breaths even, his hair falling over his eyes.

He looked beautiful like this. Unguarded. Unbothered by the need the world had placed upon him. Whether it was to be alpha, whether it was to be evil, or soft for me... right here, this was the only thing that mattered.

I leaned forward, my fingers gently pushing back his hair. He stirred immediately, his brows furrowing as his eyes slowly came to a focus on me.

For a long minute, neither of us spoke. I just stayed there on the edge of the desk beside him, my fingers still resting on his temple.

My vision blurred for a long moment, and I swallowed hard to push down the lump that rose in my throat. It didn't work.

"Why are you here?" Anders asked, his voice low.

I pushed my fingers forward, pushing his hair behind his ears. "I am sorry. I came to say I am sorry. I came to tell you thank you. I came to beg. I came to ask you to come back to bed with me. I came to tell you that I miss you."

His lips parted a little more, and before I knew it, I slowly went to my knees, my hands reaching up to cup his face. He let me pull him to me, my lips parting against his, tears running down my cheeks hard.

"I am so sorry. I was scared. I was foolish. I looked at you then and... I was a fool. I... I should have waited a bit more." My hand dropped to his chest where his heart beat steady against mine. "I should have waited for the me who knew your heart. Who knew you as the man who had every leverage above her and chose not to use it, I am so sorry, Anders. I was so scared. Of everything I felt... "

"Don't." His voice was soft. Low. Very far from Anders and still very like him. "Please don't talk to me about your feelings because... because if you tell me right now, on your knees, that you feel even a sliver of the obsession that drove me down this path, then I am going to forgive every single thing and then spend the rest of my life proving to you that I deserve it. "

"Anders."

"And I don't want to forgive you. Not now. I don't want to believe you want to share beds with me, or showers, or fuck, your heart. I don't want to believe you want to look at me with those galaxy filled eyes and... I don't want to fall harder. It's always harder to recover."

My voice broke on a choked sob, and I moved even closer, till my lips were brushing his, till I could barely breathe without his air humming in my blood.

"Please," I whispered against his skin. "Please, Anders, I... I will wait. If you need time, if you need... if you can promise that if I wait then you would look at me again, then I would wait. Please."

He looked up, his eyes meeting mine. He looked like he was holding back a storm. Like he was chained behind vortices that I still could not see, and was far too selfish to ask him to weather just like that.

I leaned in slowly, taking his lips, tasting his restraint, the anger that he was still too kind to unleash upon me.

I held unto him like he was a lifeline. His fingers dipped into my hair and held me there as he kissed me back.

He moved away suddenly, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

"Please, leave," he whispered, his fingers now gently massaging my scalp, betraying the things he was saying. "Please, Storm."

I closed my eyes. "I will come back," I whispered, brushing his lower lip. "This isn't me running away like a coward. This is me respecting you, but I will be back."

He said nothing as his fingers slowly, almost reluctantly left my hair. I stayed there, still shaken, still needing his warmth, his essence and his scent.

I placed a small kiss on the edge of his lips, then fully leaned away. He watched me as I stood up and slowly walked to the door, half determined to keep my promise, half hoping he would come back so the promise could dissolve between us like bad smoke.

I held the door knob and turned to him. He was watching me, eyes dark, hidden behind his hair and lashes.

I opened the door and walked away, my heart breaking into pieces. My mind reeled. Not just with the soft moments, the manifestation of his soft spots for me. But also with what everyone considered to be evil.

Now, for some reason, all I saw was survival.

The growl inside of me made me know that shift was not something the silver wolf appreciated.