Chapter 63 Chapter LXIII

Chapter 63 Chapter LXIII
“You said I was the only one for you,” I finally whisper, looking away from him, still unable to hold his gaze. “You said there was never anyone that could compare.”
Spencer sighs, and I notice that there are tears blurring my vision that I hadn’t noticed until now. “And I meant it, Hayden. That was a stupid mistake, a dark moment in my life I wish I could forget. It meant nothing—”
“You were going to fucking marry her, Spencer. How can you tell me it meant nothing?” I interrupt, staring up at him, too worked up to even fathom what he is saying. “You don’t get engaged to someone that means nothing to you.”
“I said it was a dark period in my life, Hayden. What do you want me to say? It meant nothing. We ended things before it got more serious, and that’s it. What else do you want me to tell you?” Spencer rubs his face in frustration. “I wasn’t in a good place back then, and Kendal manipulated me. I got carried away. You had your fair share of bad choices, too, didn’t you? This is mine.”
“How do you expect me to take this? Up until a couple of days ago, I believed I was the only one for you,” I cry out, aware that I sound childish and spoiled.
“And you still are. I’m with you, aren’t I?” Spencer counters, shoving his hands into his pockets again, clearly unsure of what to do with them. He inhales sharply and licks his lips before continuing. “You know what the problem is with us? You don’t trust me. You don’t believe in us. You’re constantly trying to find something to justify you distancing yourself from me. No matter what I do or say to you, it will never be enough, will it?”
His words feel like a physical blow to my face. It literally feels like he has just punched me.
I bite my lower lip to prevent myself from crying in front of him, but by the way my chin is trembling and my throat is itching, I can tell I’m not succeeding. 
“That’s not fair,” I breathe out. 
“I know. But it’s the truth, isn’t it? You know I’m right, Hayden. You’re constantly trying to find excuses for us not to be together. The mistakes we made in the past are in the past. But you can’t seem to accept that. It feels like you’re constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for our ghosts to come back and bite us in the ass.”
“And can you blame me?” I snarl back in a loud voice. I instantly regret it, hoping I haven’t woken up Mom and Dad. I don’t need an audience.
“No, I don’t blame you. But we talked about it, and I thought you had gotten past it by now. But I was wrong. And I can’t make this…us,” he points between us in a tiring gesture, “work all by myself. This is supposed to be a two-way street, Hays. And you’re not meeting me halfway here.”
I swallow the bitter taste his accusation has left on my tongue and look away from him. I can’t stare at him any longer. All I want to do is go back to my bed upstairs and curl up under my blanket until I fall asleep and pretend my love life isn’t falling apart in front of my eyes.
What hurts me the most is to know Spencer is right, and I can’t seem to find a way for my mind to make peace with it. Why can’t I be more confident? Why can’t I trust Spencer and our relationship completely? Why do I allow the fear of the past to haunt me and distance me from the man I love? We are not who we used to be back then. We have grown, faced hardships, and become stronger. 
So, why am I boycotting us now?
“What does this mean for us then?” I ask, slowly looking back at Spencer. His eyes are still dark under his cap, but I can see the glint of sadness in them as he stares back at me.
“I don’t know, Hays,” he answers with a shrug. He looks and sounds tired, but more than that, he seems heartbroken. And I can’t blame him because that’s exactly how I feel. The only difference is that I’m responsible for this going off track. So off that I don’t know if I can bring it back to the way it used to be before. “All I know is that you need to figure out what you want because I’m not going to fight for us alone.”
Spencer steps away from the fence and climbs into his car before I have the chance to even make sense of what he’s just told me. The loud roar of the engine is the only thing I can focus on as I watch him drive away from me, leaving me out here in the cold night by myself, my only companion the moon, shining over me as if mocking the pitch-black darkness I feel inside my heart right now.
How come I’m the one who fucked this up?