Chapter 64 Chapter LXIV

Chapter 64 Chapter LXIV
The entire week goes by uneventfully. Every morning, I go to the bakery to work, leaving only when the sun has already set, and go back home to focus on my novel, which is miraculously halfway done by now.
It is the only thing keeping me excited after my bitter argument with Spencer on Sunday. I haven’t talked to him at all since, and he hasn’t tried to contact me either. Not that I was expecting him to. He made it pretty obvious that he was mad and done with me when he walked away from me that night.
Poppy, Lauren, and even Chad tried to snoop around, separately cornering me to see if I would blurt something out, but I wasn’t ready to tell them that I screwed everything up. In fact, I’m not ready to face the new reality of my life yet—that being that I have no idea if Spencer and I are still together.
He didn’t break up with me—or at least not that I know of—but I need to try and fix this. However, I have no idea how to do it. The whole thing with Kendal feels stupid now that I look at it with a clear mind, even if it still hurts me a little to know I’m not going to be the first and only person that Spencer ever proposes to.
But I need to accept it and make peace with it because it’s just how things are. I can’t change the past, no matter how much I’d love to. 
And on top of everything, I don’t want to lose Spencer.
Now that I got him back, I can’t begin to imagine what it’d be like to not have him in my life anymore.
A knock on my bedroom door pulls me back from my thoughts. I look up to see my mom’s head peeking through the door gap as she stares kindly at me.
“Can I come in?” she asks softly.
I smile at her, nodding slightly. “Of course, Mom.” I put aside my laptop and scoot over so she can sit beside me in bed. “Is everything okay?” I ask, even though it’s obvious she just came to check on me. 
“I should be the one asking you that question,” she replies, her expression soft and comforting. “You don’t need to talk if you don’t want to, but it is my duty as your mom to ask.”
I reach for her hand and squeeze it, offering her another smile. “I know, and I appreciate you for caring, Mom. I do.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I guess I’m just trying to make sense of my feelings and thoughts right now.”
“You don’t have to go through that alone. I know you need to make the decision for yourself, but sometimes, it’s okay to ask for help,” she tells me. “And even though you have Poppy and your siblings for that, a mother’s advice might be just what you need. We do have a superpower, you know?” Mom chuckles, bumping me in the shoulder.
“Yeah?” I indulge her, raising my brows.
“Hmm,” she muses proudly. “The whole experience, more mature, ‘I’ve been in your shoes’ kind of thing,” she explains with amusement.
“Right…” I consider what to say. My mother has always been a good friend to me–and an amazing listener. She always gives me the best advice, and when I went through my first breakup with Spencer, she was there for me the whole time, even when I just needed a shoulder to cry on. I guess I was just too young and self-absorbed back then to cherish and value her support as I should. “I don’t know how to fix my mess. I don’t know how to teach myself to trust someone completely, to give myself away entirely to someone else. What if I end up getting hurt again? What if this time I’m broken beyond repair?” I finally ask.
My mom nods, offering me a reassuring smile. “That’s what living means, Hays. Risking and carrying that constant fear that something might not work out.”
“Well, that sucks,” I grumble, rolling my eyes.
“Real life sucks sometimes, but the good moments we live, the great memories we create, they are worth it,” Mom says. “And choosing to trust someone else with your heart, that’s not an easy thing to do. It takes a lot of courage to give your most precious possession to another person.”
“How did you do it? How did you know Dad was the right one for you?” I never really cared to ask her about this before, mainly because I thought it’d be weird to have this conversation with my mother. But now, it just feels… right.
If anything, my mother’s answer will be something I’ll hold dear to my heart. Her marriage with Dad isn’t perfect, but is any marriage?
The most important thing—and that is what I consider crucial in a marriage—is that they respect each other, they are there for each other no matter what, and they are ready to face whatever life throws at them–together.
Their companionship is enviable. Something anyone would die to have in a marriage.
And to be fair, it’s something I always had with Spencer.
“You just know it. I know it’s cliché to say this, and not very helpful, but it just feels different. It just…clicks. You realize you want to share every single aspect of your life with that one person. Even the bad aspects. Especially the bad ones. You can’t imagine sharing them with anyone else,” my mother answers. And even though it is not what I wanted, or expected, to hear, every single word makes sense to me. 
Because that’s how I feel about Spencer.
I never doubted he was the one for me, but now, I couldn’t be more sure of it.
I have a huge mess to clean up, and I hope he’s still willing to forgive me for being so childish and immature about the whole situation with Kendal.