Chapter Eleven

“JEWEL, did you see– Jewel? Jewel!” I didn’t pay attention to what mommy was saying. I didn’t mean that either.

I just went straight to the bedroom, and that’s when I was able to release the tears I had been holding back.

“I-I should be her, eh! I should be the one holding him, and I must be the one with him! “I closed the door and started throwing what I could see because of the excessive whirlwind. No!

“That should be me, not Courtney. That should be our Jihan, not Rodney!”

The rumble of things does not end. I jumped on the bed and then pressed my face against the soft pillows.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I may be going crazy. Or maybe I’m really crazy! This ain’t normal.

“She’s my wife. I’m Jewel Antonio! We’re married. Rod and I are married. We have a child, for Pete’s sake! Where is Jihan? What happened to my baby?”

I still want to cry. I wanted to hurt myself, but I knew then that the truth would not change.

It never changed that I was defeated, and everyone left me.

In the middle of what I was thinking, I suddenly heard mommy knock. I quickly adjusted myself. I wiped the wet face from my own tears.

She slowly turned the door, and her smile opened up to me. Smile as if telling me I can do everything, and she is just here.

When she chose to sit on the side of my bed, I wasted no time and started hugging my mother. She’s the one that’s keeping me in tacked.

“Ma. . . Ma, I’m sorry.” I started crying.

She immediately sighed. I thought she was sure I was going crazy or taking drugs.

“Even if you do not understand, I just want you to know that I love you very much. I’m sorry if I left you with daddy. I’m sorry if I was satisfied with the message where we could only talk then. Ma, I’m very sorry. Ma, what. . . whatever happens, please, don’t do it. “I simply looked up to see mommy’s reaction, but she just stared intently at the tears.

“Y-You are not alone, Ma. We are fighting, right? We are not even together. . . but we are fighting. Ma, don’t do it. Don’t end those suffering. Don’t end everything. I’m still here, Ma. Fight with me, please. . . “

I could not continue speaking because of sobbing. I still have a lot to say, but nothing came out of my mouth but sobs.

I want to tell her how much I love her. I want to go back to all the happy memories with mommy. I want to tell her about motherhood. I want to tell her how much I love Jihan too. I want us to talk about Jihan’s firsts; his first word, the first food he ate, his first walk. . . his cries and his laughs.

I also want to be proud of what I did suddenly to my mother. . . I want her to be happy with me. I want to say everything about the family I formed, but that makes no sense now.

A family that I am not sure if is true or just formed in imagination.

Mommy’s hands were cold when she tried to touch my cheek and raise it, then align my face with hers. Like me, her tears never stopped flowing.

“Jewel, my daughter. . . I haven’t been a good parent to you.”

I want to shout at her, and I want to prove that what she is saying is not true. But despite all this, I was still unable to open my mouth to speak. I shook violently, but he just smiled at me.

“I-I love you.” She smiled again even though tears were coming out of her eyes. “I will not be lost beside you, Jewel. Even if death drags me somewhere, I will be forever with you. I will always watch over you. I will always be impressed by what you do, and I will always be proud of you. Even if I did bad things to you before, mommy’s love for you would never be erased. Always remember that” she muttered. We were both short of breath because we were crying so much.

I can no longer almost see mommy, and she is blurred in my eyes because of the tears in my eyes.

“Jewel. . . I need to tell you this. Never let go of what is for you. Do not allow other people to destroy everything you have worked so hard to build. . .”

I frowned too much. I’m starting to get confused. Impossible. . . what mommy is saying now seems like she knows everything. Does she know? Is everything true then?

I could barely see, but I could feel mommy’s cold hands on mine. She gently caressed it as she often did before putting me to sleep.

“Fix everything, Jewel. Give what is yours. . .”

Even though it was a mess, I was able to tighten my grip on mommy’s hand. They are cold and shivering. I smile every time she retaliates by also tightening her hands on the grip.

That smile quickly disappeared when I felt his grip suddenly loosen. I stiffened even more in the seat.

“Mommy, no. . . please! Please don’t leave me again. Ma! Ma, no!” I knew I was shouting loudly, but I could not hear my own voice. It was not registered in my ear, so I was quickly nervous.

Mommy might not hear me either. She might leave me forever.

With each loosening of the grip, I just tightened my arms even more.

“No! No one will let go, Ma! Listen to me, please. . . you will not leave me. You will not leave me again, will you? You promised Jewel, Mommy! Don’t you ever let go of my hand! “

I try to reach her, and I try to tighten my grip on mommy’s hand even though it no longer holds me.

“Jewel. . . open your eyes. They are waiting for you.”

In an instant, I immediately heard a deafening shout. I quickly blocked my hands to my ears, causing me to completely release mommy’s hands.

I cried again. I wanted to chase her, but I couldn’t even move. The deafening cry also remains.

I can no longer hear myself sobbing. I could hear nothing but the shrill and mermaid-like shout of someone.

Later, it suddenly stopped. I found myself in a dark place. I was alone, crying, and terrified.

Am I crazy?

Hallucinations. . . Am I crazy? Where have I been?

Deafening silence prevailed before I finally heard an unfamiliar voice.

“Maybe her eyes are closed, but she’s just there. . . She’s waiting for you. Only then can she wake up.”