Connection

“So,” Finn begins as he flops down beside me on the sofa. “Is all forgiven?” It has been a month since the wedding fiasco and I am only just starting to feel like myself again. Conversations with Jackson have been limited but he has still been checking in with me most days and I have been responding when I feel up to it. I have discovered that we both share a weird fascination with crap taxidermy so most of the time we have been sending each other weird memes which has kept things light but has also meant that we have not touched on the deeper issues between us.

“I don’t know,” I admit with a sigh. “I mean we both said some bloody harsh things in the heat of the moment, and I can’t help but think that these are the things that will break us. I’m not sure I can put myself out there like that again.” Rubbing my temples, I let out a sigh. “I know I’m a selfish bitch. I know I keep my defences up so that no one can get close. I know that I deliberately don’t invest my emotions in anyone other than you and Soph. But what I don’t know is how to change. I have been this way for so long that I really don't know how to let him in. Even just the cracks he’s managed to get through so far scare the shit out of me.”

“Garry?” Finn asks softly.

“Yup, fucking douchebag Garry.” We fall silent, the sounds from the quayside filtering up through the open windows and filling the void.

I’m startled from my thoughts by a buzzing on my phone and when I pick it up I see that it’s a video call from Jackson. He’s not done that before and a jolt of worry courses through me. Nervously I accept the call, wondering why Jackson would be calling.

“Hey,” I greet Jackson as his face fills the screen. His hair is damp and touseled like he’s just gotten out of the shower and I ache to run my fingers through it.

“Hey, Kat,” Jackson responds with a hint of surprise in his voice. "Sorry, I wasn’t sure if you would be up for a call?”

“That’s fine,” I reassure him. “Are you okay?” Jackson seems a little on edge but I’m trying not to read anything into it.

“I should be asking you that,” he responds with a soft smile, relaxing his expression slightly.

“I’m doing better. Should hopefully be up and about by the end of the week.”

“That’s great news. Listen, the reason that I’m calling is that I have to fly out to L.A. later today.”

“Um, okay?” I respond unsure why Jackson is telling me this.

“The sale of my condo has gone through and I have to go out there and handle some things in person. There’s some stuff like guitars that I don’t trust to the movers and need to pack them myself.”

“Of course!” I agree. That’s perfectly understandable, I’m just not sure why he’s telling me this.

“I just wanted to let you know because of the time difference, I didn’t want you to think that I had dipped out on you.” My brain is finally starting to connect the dots.

“It’s all good, Jackson,” I reassure him. “It sounds like you are going to have your hands full. How long are you going out for?”

“I’m hoping it will just be the week. There’s a load of paperwork to sort out but I’m hoping the lawyers will have that all in hand so it's just a case of signing everything over to the new owners. Then it’ll be sorting the movers and seeing some friends before heading back.”

“That sounds like a lot to get done in a week,” I sympathise and I take in the intense expression on Jackson’s face.

“I have stuff I need to get back for.” Jackson delivers his statement in a matter-of-fact tone but there’s a twinkle in his eye.

“Okay.” Of course he does. He’s Jackson-freaking-Smith, lead guitarist of a rock band. With loads of friends and family. Of course he has a busy life here in the U.K.

“You, for one.” Um, I wasn’t expecting that and my surprise must be evident as Jackson continues, “Look, I know I said I would give you space but I want you to know that, no matter what has gone down between us I am only a phone call away. Being on the other side of the world makes that much harder and I want to be able to get to you straight away if you need me.

“Hey, don’t cry, Kat. Kat, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” I haven’t even realised that tears are running down my face until I glance at myself in the tiny window on my phone. I swipe them away hurridly at Jackson’s distress.

“I’m okay, Jackson,” I hurry to reassure him. “Just hormonal and overly emotional.” I can’t believe that I have just admitted that to Jackson, to anyone really, but when I see the relief on his face, I’m glad I have.

We chat for a bit longer but when it becomes clear that my energy is flagging, Jackson tells me he has to go and get ready for his flight.

“Rest up, Kat,” Jackson instructs. “If you are feeling up to it, let’s do something when I get back. Like a movie or a picnic or something.”

“That would be lovely,” I respond and it really does. With soft goodbyes from the both of us, we end the call and I drop the phone into my lap with a small sigh.

“That went well.” I nearly jump out of my skin. How on earth had I forgotten that Finn was sitting on the other end of the couch?

“Um, yeah.” I can feel the blush rising in my cheeks as I realise that Finn has sat through my entire conversation with Jackson.

“So maybe, if you want to change,” Finn says referring back to our earlier conversation, “Maybe you should think about talking to a therapist or something. Someone who can help you work through your fears and whatnot.”

“Maybe.” I shut my eyes and wonder how that would even work.