All Of Me Loves All Of You

“Fuck!” Finn looks pissed as he steps through the entrance to our apartment. “I fucking told him not to be here when I brought you back.”

My brain is on a go-slow today so it takes a couple of seconds to realise why Finn is so agitated. Jackson. I step quietly into the hallway, wondering if there’s any way I might be able to make it to my bedroom undetected.

Just then a movement in the living room catches my attention. I stiffen as my eyes adjust to the semi-darkness and I see Jackson sitting on the couch, his elbows resting on his knees, hands cupping his chin. His dark hair is messy as if he has been running his fingers through it repeatedly, and his face is covered in a couple of days’ worth of stubble. But it’s his eyes that really grab my attention; they are bruised and puffy like someone has punched him in the nose. Despite this, though, I feel them piercing right through all my defences down into the furthest reaches of my soul.

A look of relief crosses Jackson’s face, only to be quickly replaced by contrition. I wait in silence. I have no idea where to begin or even how. All I know is my body is a mess and I am close to breaking again; I don’t think my heart will ever recover.

Jackson pushes off the couch and gets to his feet. He walks towards me slowly, as though approaching a wild animal. I am frozen to the spot even as he comes to stand directly in front of me. It only takes seconds for Jackson to cross the room yet it feels like everything is happening in slow motion. I’m aware of Finn moving off to the side but he doesn’t leave me alone, his eagle eyes searching for any indication that he needs to step in. Always my protector.

“I am so sorry, Kat. For what I said, and for grabbing you like that.” He glances pointedly at where my wrist poking out from my hoodie is circled by a ring of bruises.

I am not sure how to respond. Instead, I shrug—I bruise easily, so it’s not like he actually hurt me—before asking, “What happened to your face?”

Jackson grimaces. “Finn.”

“Ah, okay,” I respond, shuffling in discomfort.

“I’m sorry, Jackson. Everything you said was true. I’m no good at this. I just can’t be the person you need me to be…” I trail off as I feel the tears forming. I turn, but before I have the chance to move away, Jackson skims his hands gently up my arms and neck before cupping my face.

He stares into my eyes, his thumbs running across my damp cheeks. “No, Kat, what I said was unforgivable. Not only that, it wasn’t true. I was just hurt and angry and lashed out. Believe me, I know how hard it has been for you to open up. And I hate myself for throwing that all back in your face.” His voice cracks and tears well in his eyes.

“I know what Cara and Lisa said about you,” he continues. “They heard me arguing with Chase about the video, and when I mentioned some of the things you said, they confessed that they had been talking about you in the corridor. I guess you overheard them?”

I give him a small nod and wait for him to continue.

Jackson rubs the back of his neck before explaining, “The only reason I never mentioned the condo in L.A. is because I am actually in the process of selling it. I put it on the market after you walked out on me at the concert because I knew even then that I wouldn’t be leaving the U.K.” My cheeks flame. “And as for my brother, I know how hard it is for you to let people in. I didn’t want to scare you, so I thought if I introduced you to the band first, then it might ease you into it all. James was supposed to be at the wedding, but he ended up having to deal with some crisis,–he’s actually the band’s manager so is always having to sort random shit out for us,–so I was going to introduce you to him later in the evening when he finally turned up. But you disappeared before I ever had the chance.”

I close my eyes and stifle a sob that is threatening to escape. My heart is thumping so hard it feels like it might burst out of my chest at any moment.

“Kat, I love you. All of you. I have been trying to think of a way to tell you, but the only thing I could come up with is this…” Jackson steps back and grabs a guitar that I hadn’t noticed on the side. He starts to strum, and it takes me a couple of moments to realise that he is singing John Legend’s* All of Me*.

As I listen intently to the lyrics, it is like this guy wrote my relationship with Jackson. He sings about curves and edges and imperfections, and it’s like he’s looked into my soul. When he finishes, he gently puts the guitar down and returns to stand in front of me. He threads his fingers into my hair. My breath hitches and then he brings his mouth down onto mine in the gentlest kiss I have ever experienced.

“Well, I’ll just leave you two to it,” Finn gruffly interrupts after a minute reminding me that he’s still in the room.

“Um, actually Finn, you don’t need to go anywhere,” I respond. Despite the small reprieve, my cramps are ramping up again and I know that I need to get rid of Jackson pronto. Stepping back to give myself some room to think, I take a breath, “Thank you, Jackson. For the song and the things you said. I know I’m not easy to be around and I have my issues. I am a hot mess most of the time as Finn can tell you…” I trail off while glancing at my best friend.

“But I think,” the words get stuck in my throat as emotion threatens to overwhelm me, “I think maybe we just need to slow things down a little. Take a step back and make sure we are both in the same place.”

Jackson stares at me silently as if he is daring me to end things, to throw his words back at him. But I know I’m not going to. The fact that he is here, despite Finn smacking him in the face, says it all.

“I need a little time to get my head on straight. I…I am heading into a flare and things are going to get ugly for a while.” Surprise is written across Jackson’s face; this was not what he was expecting to hear. “I’m telling you this now because I don’t want you to think I’m ignoring you or that I’m mad at you. I just need to focus on myself to get through this.”

“Help me understand, Kat,” Jackson pleads.

“The next couple of weeks are going to be bad. Nausea, headaches, bleeding, if my last flares are anything to go by. I won’t have any energy so I’ll pretty much sleep eighteen hours a day. The only time I’ll move will be to go to the toilet. It won’t be pretty. It won’t be fun. I won’t want to text and have conversations because that will take too much energy. My mood is going to take a dive and in all likelihood, I will feel anxious and depressed. That is the reality of what my life is going to be like until I get on top of this.”

A wave of white-hot pain shoots through me causing me to stumble. The colour drains from Jackson’s face. “Um, I think it would be best if you headed off now.” I can barely get the words out through gritted teeth as I attempt to maintain my composure. “I’ll let you know when I’m on the mend and then we can talk properly.” My head is spinning as my body begs me to get to bed before I pass out.

“Okay, Kat,” Jackson acquiesces. “I can see you need to rest. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

I nod, barely holding it together as Finn shows him out.